Panic On The Streets Of Ponty as Fifty Shades Shows In Cinema

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Leek Rarebit reports from the opening night of Fifty Shades

The highly anticipated but controversial BDSM movie Fifty Shades of Grey had its opening weekend in Pontypridd last Saturday. Or at least that’s what the paying patrons of the Sardis Road Community Cinema were expecting.

Ponty had an easy away game so the majority of the town was expecting a quiet weekend and had not prepared for the surrounding villages to visit. The town’s kebab shops were all closed and had later opening hours than usual, and the pubs were set up for a slow afternoon as all had senior discount promotions on to encourage trade from the nearby old folks home. Chairs had been removed to allow mobility scooter access and table parking. Drivers had a one drink limit or risked having their scooter charging cable unplugged.

Hundreds of hungry, thirsty moviegoers queued in the afternoon down pour to ensure their seat for the erotica. The local pound shop sold out of Quavers multi packs and family sized bags of Maltesers. The cinema is licenced so cans of cherry coke remained on the refrigerated shelves. Special packets of Love Hearts with S&M inscriptions* ordered in for the occasion went within minutes after the words got out.

*some printable examples:
be my slave
do me sideways
my forever an@l
whip me big boy
say my safeword

The queuing line began to build around 1pm in anticipation of a 2:30pm start. The shuffling crowd were amicable if not a little nervous and the rain was still just a drizzle when the ticket window opened. Word started to filter back down the line that the promised gimp mask free with every two tickets were quickly running out. We were later informed someone had made a mental arithmetic error and had not ordered enough black faux leather maniac gimp masks. Apparently 300 divided by 2 was too difficult for the Saturday employee studying an Applied Mathematics degree at the Uni.

The line broke and fell apart when the lucky 45 ticket holders already wearing their free masks began taunting those still in the queue.There were very few consenting submissives in the line and no one knew what anyone else’s safeword was. Confusion led to argument which quickly escalated to bitch slappin’, pinching, biting and scratching. Fortunately the increasing precipitation stopped any attempts at lighting the wax candles some had brought and the wind chill factor discouraged the Doms from golden showering. When the police finally arrived they struggled to find anyone not already in hand, thumb or big toe cuffs.

Police declined to comment when interviewed but did let slip they had never seen as many nipple clamps in one place after they had searched the 45 arrested last Saturday. They also mentioned the confiscated gimp masks will be donated to the local Masonic Lodge for initiation ceremonies and the end of year Christmas parade.

The movie will be rescheduled once the 45 currently held in the violent offenders wing of the local prison are released on bail. This may be some time as most have requested to remain in their shared cells as they’ve never had so much fun. The constabulary are also missing a few upper management personnel and the surrounding churches will have reduced services until replacement clerics can be found.