Newport’s Toxic Smog Drifts West to Cardiff

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Newport’s permanent cloud of toxic smog has spread west towards Cardiff.

Residents in the Welsh capital have been warned to lock themselves in their houses amid fears that everyone could suffer asthma attacks.

Cloud investigator Colin DullArse told WalesOnCraic:

“We usually see this cloud of toxic shit lingering over Newport. It’s a mixture of old farts, car exhaust and spliff smoke. It usually stays away from Cardiff because it’s such a squeaky clean place to live. However, we are advising that everyone gets indoors and locks all the windows and doors. No one wants to experience the Newport Smog.”

Authorities are advising that people spend at least three weeks inside their homes.

“If you do need to go out, take full breathing apparatus with you. You won’t be able to see where you’re going but at least you’ll be able to breathe.”