Newport Town Centre Evacuated After Zombie Scare

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Newport Town centre was evacuated yesterday afternoon and put on a state of emergency after two American tourists raced (well, not raced, but waddled) to the town’s police centre, claiming they had seen real, living (or real, dead) zombies wandering around the town.

‘There were about 40 of them,’ Todd Backpack from Ohio informed WalesOnCraic. ‘They were really ugly looking creatures with dead eyes who were moaning and groaning and swearing a lot.’

The state of emergency was reduced to a ‘just a normal Friday afternoon in the town’ after police discovered the Americans had not actually seen zombies, but had simply stumbled on a gang of regulars from the Local Wetherspoons, standing outside the pub having a fag.

‘If I was a zombie,’ said Darren Girohead, the mayor of Newport Wetherspoons, ‘I would have definitely eaten them two….did you see the size of ‘em….like two dumper trucks in peacock shorts.’

The American tourists were last seen heading up to Pontypridd. God help them.o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o