New Welsh Film Likely To Cause You To Soil Yourself

“If you were terrified by the Exorcist.
If you screamed at the Shining.
If you cowered in the corner at Hallowe’en…”

Then fear not. You will actually shit yourself if you dare see the new Welsh film coming soon to a theatre near you, according to Welsh film-maker Gwilym TwoPorches.

‘How Green Was My Bell-End? (After A One Night Stand in Rhigos)’ is due to hit cinemas in November and the Welsh director is keen to point out how scary the film will be to Welsh film-goers:

“I took my Mam to watch the first screening and she literally stopped breathing for 17 hours afterwards. She’s ok now though. I also took it down the club to watch it on VHS and Brian the Barman literally shat his stomach out there and then on the floor in front of us. It took us 20 minutes to get it all back in with a sweeping brush. He was ever so embarrassed that he gave us all a Babycham free on the house like.”

The local press have also praised the film after seeing the preview screenings. Cardiff Evening Standard said that it was  ‘The best film ever made in Rhigos – we gave it a thick 6 and a half inches out of seven’. The Deri Star announced that ‘We haven’t got electricity yet….so we haven’t seen it…but me brother’s mate’s uncle’s cousin from the red house by the Post Office said it was good’ while the ‘Rhigos on Sunday’ said ‘F-ckin’ cheek… wasn’t green…just a little limey.’

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