Mexican bandits threaten Valley Lines train service

Train bosses were forced to cancel trains between Cardiff and Pontypridd last night after an attack by Mexican bandits left a staff member with a grazed knee.

Rail Manager Tony Bigspecs told WalesOnCraic:

“Unfortunately, a gun battle took place between rail staff and the bandits on the 20:26 from Cardiff to Ponty last night. The evil outlaws made passengers and staff eat hot chilli fajitas and wear large Mexican hats until dawn. No one was killed but a member of the rail staff grazed his knee and will probably be off work for 12 months.”

In another serious incident, Red Indians stopped the Ystrad Rhonnda train and scalped the ticket inspector and pinched a box of fire water (gin) before taking two blonde haired young girls to become squaws.

Bigspecs said:

“The poor ticket inspector, who’s worked for the company for the past 103 years, is still unable to return to work and is looking for a good wig maker. CCTV cameras shows the red faced attackers surrounding the train from all sides before disabling its security system by sticking a lolly stick into it, preventing it from being able to move.

“It’s getting worse. We have always had cases of gangs trying to pinch trains – miners, nurses and the odd priest but it’s getting worse. Now we have Mexicans, Indians, monsters and cavemen. What next? Bloody Nazis? I blame the government.”

The last two months has seen a number of incidents including:

July 5th: Pontypridd to Treherbert – aliens misbehave before zapping the Treherbert train station with zap guns.

July 8th: Dinas Rhondda – drunken tennis players pissed over ticket inspector and beat driver with racquet before escaping over a grassy hedge.

July 15th: Maesteg – cows throw stones from bridge. Passenger loses eye. He was from the Rhondda, so he did have 3 eyes to start with.

July 28th: Whitchurch – gangs of Mormons and Salvation Army members have running battles on the lunch time express. Several people killed, one fatally.

August 3rd: Ynyswen – OAPs rebel against the lack of tea facilities. Train overturned and left on track.

August 27th: Llandaff – Driver spat at by nuns and stripped of all his clothes and thrown into a bunch of stingy nettles. Driver now recovering in a giant dock leaf.

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