McArthur Glen to be the new Porthcawl as sea levels predicted to rise

Popular shopping outlet McArthur Glen is expected to be the new Porthcawl, according to experts.

Environmental hippy naysayers are predicting that Wales is facing devastating sea-level rise due to gross planetary mismanagement by successive governments.

Aggressive neoliberal policies have driven public consumption of stuff, underpinned by flagrant overuse of fossil fuels, to a point where the planet has literally figuratively said ‘Enough’s enough, I’m too effin hot, this ice is too effin heavy – it’s got to go.’

Respected weather expert and bright-coloured tie-wearer Derek Brickwatch said:

“Sea levels will rise a tidy amount in the next 100 years. It is likely that Porthcawl will have to relocate to McArthurGlen.”

We put this to Priscilla Preseli, formerly of Pembroke Dock, who now runs a B&B in Porthcawl for fag-stained tradesmen and Elvis Festival goers.

A red-cheeked Priscilla said:

“I’m tamping. It’s disgusting. I don’t pay my Council Tax for this.”

She continued:

“There’s tradition at stake. The fine people attending our annual Elvis Festival won’t be able to shag behind Spar or shit on the middle of the roundabout by Beale’s. I doubt that the Suits Direct shop at the Pines would allow that kind of free-spirited celebration of the great man. And what am I going to do with my B&B? I’ve spent a fortune on knitted hoover covers, glass fish and toby jugs.”

Walesoncraic looked at the logistics of moving Porthcawl to McArthurGlen and found some interesting facts. The move would reduce the cost of Brummie tourist visits to Wales by a whopping 12%. The cost of chicken noodles at the Glen oriental food stall is £2.50 cheaper than Finnegans’ Fish and Chips. Add to that a 23% lower risk of flip-flop loss due to the quality paving at the Glen. Win win. However, our research predicted a 44% drop in safety standards if the Coney Pleasurebeach Funfair has to be bolted onto the Odeon Cinema roof.

We leave the final word to Derek:

“I am genuinely concerned. If Porthcawl relocates to McArthur Glen, Barry will have to move to the Talbot Green Shopping Park; and they don’t like us up there. I cut the ribbon on a Sports Direct store there last year and it was packed with dreadful Valley types wearing Elvis wigs looking for somewhere public to take a shit.”

get your will done

The Latest

To Top