Marauding goats in Llandudno have told local residents to brace for a final assault on the town.
The goats have taken up strategic positions within the town centre in preparation for a complete takeover.
One goat, who didn’t want to be identified, told WalesOnCraic:
“We’ve been waiting for this opportunity for many years. Usually, the town is full of old codgers who arrive on their Wallace Arnold coaches. We’ve been up on that hill, biding our time and waiting for the right opportunity to attack. This moment is now here. We’ve been sending some of our lads down into the village on scouting missions. There have been a few clashes with the local police but they’ve got no idea what’s about to hit them. We’ve got battalions coming from all over North Wales. By the end of the week, the town will be completely overrun by goats. And this summer, you won’t see bands of OAPS all roped together at the pier, surgical stockings flapping in the breeze. Oh no. You’ll see us. Doing goat things like bleating and eating rose bushes.”
Local police have said that they are powerless to stop the takeover because they are too busy trying to stop cockwombles deliberately coughing on other people.
“We’ll accept our fate,” said one top police commander.