Horoscopes January 2021

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january-horoscopes
Hello sweeties. I do apologise for being late with your horoscopes this month. I was due to organise our local Psychic Fair last week but it was all cancelled because of unforeseen circumstances. But here’s your January stars as promised:

Aries

Mar 21 – Apr 20

January is a great time for you to get out in that garden and start sorting it all out. That Christmas Tree that you lugged in the corner behind last year’s uneaten barbeque will need to go, as will that ‘For Sale’ sign that you hilariously nicked on the way home from that pub the night you ended up in bed with that salesperson from Superdrug. Lucky garden tool – the hoe.

Taurus

Apr 21 – May 21

Your bovine stock comes to your aid this month when you run out of Oxo cubes. Your planned meal for your illegal guests is in danger of falling flat on its face as you forget to get some gravy, but in an act of inspiration, you simply scratch your head hard enough over a saucepan to create a beautiful beefy broth to pour over the guests’ dinners.

Gemini

May 22 – Jun 22

As the sign of the twins, you have great fun shagging the same person. They are under the impression that they have one partner, when in fact, you’ve both been getting your end away. Just remember to play safe and have the same story. Lucky yellow-crescent shaped fruit– the banana.

Cancer

June 23 – July 23

The sign of the crab. Diddums.

Leo

July 24 – Aug 23

Ah Leo. Yet again, another brilliant month for anything you do. Things just can’t get any better for you can they?

Virgo

Aug 24 – Sep 23

I happened to meet a Virgo last week and they were very sweet and rather sexy. Your reading’s still shit though so I’m not going to bother giving it to you. Sorry.

Libra

Sept 24 – Oct 23

You’ll get a new job as a librarian this month Libra. But unfortunately, all the libraries are closed so there’s that. Romance is possible this month, but unlikely unless you get that halitosis sorted out pretty sharpish.

Scorpio

Oct 24 – Nov 22

Ooo. Evil Scorpios. Those nasty people who rub Vicks VapoGel over door handles and leave the toilet seat up. How heartless. Your nastiness doesn’t go unnoticed this month though and you are nominated for the “Nasty Person of the Week” Award at work. However, you’re beaten to the post by the guy who wiped his arse in the tissue that he left on the toilet roll for the next person to find. Pure. Evil.

Sagittarius

Nov 23 – Dec 21

Your new business of soup making goes from strength to strength and by the end of the month, you will own all the soup in the world. However, a minor discretion with a member of staff has you up in court in a case of sexual harassment. Deny it all and destroy all the Closed Circuit tape – go on – you can do it – you’re the boss.

Capricorn

Dec 22 – Jan 20

Enterprising Capricorns set up a new business too this month selling cock pills. You spend four solid weeks with your advisors, devising a clever marketing strategy. You final decision is to hack into every person’s email, send global emails to people and hope that it doesn’t go in their spam box. Unlucky Anti-virus programme– any.

Aquarius

Jan 21 – Feb 19

The watery sign of the zodiac. You’ll suffer from intimate moistness this month due to the soaring temperatures. Panty liners may be the answer although if it gets too bad, you can always try Toggles or Pampers. Remember to keep hydrated and to keep cool by not wearing any clothes.

Pisces

Feb 20 – Mar 20

All good things come to those who wait. Be sure to check out my readings for you next month.