Hello sweeties. I do apologise for being late with your horoscopes this month. I was due to organise our local Psychic Fair last week but it was all cancelled because of unforeseen circumstances. But here’s your January stars as promised:
Mar 21 – Apr 20
January is a great time for you to get out in that garden and start sorting it all out. That Christmas Tree that you lugged in the corner behind last year’s uneaten barbeque will need to go, as will that ‘For Sale’ sign that you hilariously nicked on the way home from that pub the night you ended up in bed with that salesperson from Superdrug. Lucky garden tool – the hoe.
Apr 21 – May 21
Your bovine stock comes to your aid this month when you run out of Oxo cubes. Your planned meal for your illegal guests is in danger of falling flat on its face as you forget to get some gravy, but in an act of inspiration, you simply scratch your head hard enough over a saucepan to create a beautiful beefy broth to pour over the guests’ dinners.
May 22 – Jun 22
As the sign of the twins, you have great fun shagging the same person. They are under the impression that they have one partner, when in fact, you’ve both been getting your end away. Just remember to play safe and have the same story. Lucky yellow-crescent shaped fruit– the banana.
June 23 – July 23
The sign of the crab. Diddums.
July 24 – Aug 23
Ah Leo. Yet again, another brilliant month for anything you do. Things just can’t get any better for you can they?
Aug 24 – Sep 23
I happened to meet a Virgo last week and they were very sweet and rather sexy. Your reading’s still shit though so I’m not going to bother giving it to you. Sorry.
Sept 24 – Oct 23
You’ll get a new job as a librarian this month Libra. But unfortunately, all the libraries are closed so there’s that. Romance is possible this month, but unlikely unless you get that halitosis sorted out pretty sharpish.
Oct 24 – Nov 22
Ooo. Evil Scorpios. Those nasty people who rub Vicks VapoGel over door handles and leave the toilet seat up. How heartless. Your nastiness doesn’t go unnoticed this month though and you are nominated for the “Nasty Person of the Week” Award at work. However, you’re beaten to the post by the guy who wiped his arse in the tissue that he left on the toilet roll for the next person to find. Pure. Evil.
Nov 23 – Dec 21
Your new business of soup making goes from strength to strength and by the end of the month, you will own all the soup in the world. However, a minor discretion with a member of staff has you up in court in a case of sexual harassment. Deny it all and destroy all the Closed Circuit tape – go on – you can do it – you’re the boss.
Dec 22 – Jan 20
Enterprising Capricorns set up a new business too this month selling cock pills. You spend four solid weeks with your advisors, devising a clever marketing strategy. You final decision is to hack into every person’s email, send global emails to people and hope that it doesn’t go in their spam box. Unlucky Anti-virus programme– any.
Jan 21 – Feb 19
The watery sign of the zodiac. You’ll suffer from intimate moistness this month due to the soaring temperatures. Panty liners may be the answer although if it gets too bad, you can always try Toggles or Pampers. Remember to keep hydrated and to keep cool by not wearing any clothes.
Feb 20 – Mar 20
All good things come to those who wait. Be sure to check out my readings for you next month.