Guide To: Boy Racers

We know what you’re thinking– Boy Racers – those immature dickheads who
have nothing better to do than drive like arseholes in their shite-looking cars.

And do you know what? You’d be absolutely right! So we’re bringing you the lowdown these annoying little shits.

The Drivers
Usually aged between 17-25. After this age, most of them grow up and get themselves a decent car and a job. Most ‘scallies’ have low paid jobs and have no idea how to budget money. To finance their expensive hobby, they either take large loans or ask their parents to fund them.

In Car Entertainment
ICE as it’s known (In Car Entertainment) is the most important element of the car. Most boy racers will own a stereo with a very fancy (and ultimately pointless) graphic equaliser. After several months, the boy racers will ditch their stereo in favour of another stereo with a larger
graphic equaliser display. Pedestrians and home owners alike should be able to hear a boy racer’s car stereo from a distance of over a mile, thanks in part to the sub-woofer.

Short for ‘modifications’, mods are designed to make the cars look, handle and sound better. Unfortunately, as most boy racers can only engineer up a McDonalds burger with fries, their
attempts to ‘do the car up’ only results in hilarious results. Here are the most common:

EXHAUST– Most of us have a cheap piece of metal that takes the exhaust gases away from the engine and away from the car. Boy racers have very expensive pieces of metal that takes the exhaust gases away from the engine and away from the car. This results in the car sounding more like a tinny fart rather than the monster car it’s supposed to sound like. The exhaust manufacturers are having a field day exploiting the boy racers’ high disposable income.

ALLOY WHEELS– These range from the cheap £20 versions, to the mega expensive ones that get nicked after a few days on the car.

BODY KIT– Oh dear. Where do we start? These are moulded bits of plastic that are stuck onto the car to make it look like another car. A better car usually.

DUMP VALVES– These are the hilarious sounds made by a 1.1 Vauxhall Nova as they change gear, sounding all the world for some huge juggernaut’s air brakes. Some are simply speakers fitted to the car that produce a whooshing noise. Honest.

WASHER JET NEONS– Designed to highlight the fact that the boy racer has….erm….. washer jets.

UNDER CAR NEONS– You may have spotted these – lights that appear under the car to give it the impression of floating. In fact, these prove their worth when the AA is called out to try and fix the car by the roadside.

INSURANCE– Insurers despise boy racers just as most of us do. But they have very good reason to – they’re a high risk. Boy racers get round this problem by not declaring all of their mods– and effectively voiding any claims you may have against them if they hit you.

Don’t you just love ‘em?

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