OAPs across Wales have embraced this week’s scorching heatwave by announcing that they’ll be unbuttoning the top buttons of their duffel coats.

Senior citizens across Wales have said they might even turn down their heating as temperatures are set to reach 500°C.

OAP Glenys Wrinkles told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s been getting a little bit warm for us oldies but as you know, we do like to moan about how cold we are, even in a heatwave. The people on the telly have told us to expect warmer weather but unless we reach the same temperature as the sun, we’re unlikely to be taking off our duffel coats. We may unbutton our top button, which will help with the ventilation and stop us from smelling too much like chicken soup.”

The heatwave is expected to last until after Coronation Street on Thursday.

“We don’t know what’s going on with this weather system at the moment. It’s kind of got out of hand and we think it’s to do with all those people using under-arm deodorants back in the 1980s. Either way, it’s going to be piggin’ hot and I suspect that it’ll trigger lots of people moaning about how hot it is. They love that sort of thing.”

Cooler weather is expected later in the week.

“We’ll get through this week and hopefully we’ll have our top buttons done back up by the weekend,” added Mrs Wrinkles.

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Forecasters at the Met Office have issued an unprecedented amber warning after new modelling revealed that underboob sweat levels across Wales are expected to reach a staggering 89% next week, the highest reading since records began in 2019.

The forecast, presented at a hastily arranged press conference in Cardiff Bay, shows a band of “intense humidity and questionable bra support” sweeping in from the Bristol Channel on Monday, with conditions deteriorating sharply by Wednesday afternoon.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said senior meteorologist Gwyneth Pryce, gesturing at a weather map dotted with small damp cloud icons hovering just below chest height. “Normally we talk about rainfall in millimetres. This week, for the first time, we’re talking about it in bra cups.”

The Met Office’s new Underboob Index, developed in partnership with sportswear manufacturers and “several very sweaty volunteers from Merthyr Tydfil,” combines temperature, humidity, and synthetic fibre content to predict where moisture is most likely to gather beneath the bust.

“Tuesday is looking particularly grim,” Pryce continued. “We’re expecting a ridge of high pressure to sit directly over Swansea, trapping warm air against people’s torsos for up to six hours at a time. If you’re wearing anything underwired, my advice is: brace yourself, and maybe bring a flannel.”

Reaction across Wales has been mixed. In Newport, 34-year-old teaching assistant Carys Bevan said she had already adjusted her plans. “I was going to wear my good top to my sister’s barbecue, but not with an 89% chance of swamp conditions under there. I’ve laid out three spares.”

Others were less convinced of the science. “It’s a Tuesday in Wales,” said retired postman Gareth Hopkins from Bridgend. “It’s always 89% something under there. Sweat, rain, regret. Doesn’t need a forecast, just needs a mirror.”

Local gyms have reportedly seen a spike in bookings for “breathable fabric only” classes, while at least one Cardiff department store has moved its moisture-wicking vest range to the front window under a sign reading “BE PREPARED!”

The Met Office stressed that the 89% figure refers specifically to “localised underboob accumulation” and should not be confused with the separate, slightly more modest 67% armpit outlook also released this week, which forecasters described as “a much calmer situation, weather-wise.”

Asked whether the unusual focus on underboob conditions might set a precedent for future bulletins, Pryce was non-committal. “Look, people want to know what to expect when they get dressed in the morning. If that means we occasionally have to say the word ‘underboob’ on the Six O’Clock News, then so be it. We’re a public service. We go where the sweat takes us.”

The warning remains in place until Friday, when forecasters say conditions are expected to “dry up considerably,” though they have declined to rule out a “damp Saturday resurgence.”

Overweight men have also been warned.

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The speed limit at one of Wales’s most popular tourist destinations has been raised to 20 mph.

Sightseers at Newport’s Brynglas Tunnels will now be able to admire the queuing traffic both visiting and fleeing the country.

Andy Bellend, a spokesman for the Ministry of Tunnels told WalesOnCraic:

“We always like to do something special for motorists at this time of year. Whether it’s shutting roads or demolishing them completely, we thought we’d do something a little bit thoughtful this year.

“We met down the Three Bells and decided that this year, we’d raise the speed limit at one of Wales’s most finest tourist attractions to 20mph. This is in keeping with the national speed limit and we’d like to think that this will bring deep joy to our motorists.

“We were thinking of opening a disco in there but we had nowhere to hang the disco balls so we knocked that idea on the head,” he added.

The Brynglas Tunnels were built by the Norman invaders back in 1066. They were wanting to go over Brynglas Hill but were a bit scared of heights so decided to go through the hill instead.

The tunnels are visited by over 3 billion motorists every day.

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The south Wales town of Barry, which was built especially for the TV series Gavin and Stacey, is home to some wonderful tourist attractions. WalesOnCraic gives you the lowdown on the must-see places to go if you go there

1. The Second Hand Greggs Shop

Not content with having just ONE Greggs, the people of Barry have their very own SECOND HAND Greggs shop, which sells all the shit that no-one bought the day before. Greggs call it the Greggs Outlet. Barry people don’t.

2. The Park Bench That Beppo Used To Sleep On

Poor Beppo. Despite his drunken rants at kids, not may people knew the real reason why he hit the streets. Now since departed, Beppo - WE SALUTE YOU!

3. Where the Lido Used to Be

The Lido over the Knap was where people used to go swimming. There was a campaign running to reinstall the pool so that the people of Barry could go outdoor swimming again and attract visitors but the Council filled it all in with grass and tarmacked a path across it.

4. Where The Pleasure Park Used to Be

Once a thriving hub of summer fun, you can still get the same thrill by paying £3 to win a shit toy by hooking a plastic duck with a sweeping brush with a hook on the end.

5. The Civic Amenity Site

You can get rid of all kinds of shit here. You just need to go to Sully to do it.

6. A Zumba Class

Go to a Zumba class. You’ll feel great. Probably.

7. A Charity Shop

Go to a charity shop and buy crap that people cared so much about, that they put it in a bin bag and took it down to the charity shop.

8. Where They Filmed Gavin and Stacey

See where they filmed a mildly amusing comedy quite a while back. The Vale of Glamorgan Council are projecting their entire 2026/27 budget based on the hope that they might do another series and draw millions of people from around the world to see where it was filmed.

9. See Where Fred West’s Ashes Were Scattered

Serial killer Fred West had his ashes scattered on Barry Island beach. Come see where the naughty scamp ended up.

10. Barry Hospital

Barry Hospital got its name after a competition in a local newspaper. The aim of the competition was to come up with a new name for the new hospital in Barry. The winning entry was ‘Barry Hospital’. A month after it opened, the roof blew off. And yes, all of that is true.

A prank from a man in Bargoed backfired spectacularly yesterday after he tried to trick his neighbours with a ‘wrong bin day trick’.

Self-styled ‘bin-fluencer’ Timmy Wonderballs thought he’d prank his neighbours but was caught out when his garden waste wasn’t collected.

Quietly gathering his thoughts from his sofa in his front garden, he told WalesOnCraic:

“I thought it’d be a laugh to put the green garden waste bins out when it was in fact, black bin day. I got up early yesterday and quietly rolled my black bin out into the street. Throughout the day, I could see the old codgers looking out of their window to see what everyone else was putting out. It was Eric and number 42 who saw mine and put his black bin out. After that, it was plain sailing because they just copied each other. By 9pm, I was laughing my hairy arse off.”

But Timmy’s actions came back to haunt him the following day:

“I was going to switch my black bins for my green garden bin under the cover of darkness but I started watching Busty Babes on this special channel I pay for and before I knew it, it was 9am the next day and the bin men had been and gone. Now I’m stuck with my black bins full of stuff and have to wait another two weeks before they come back.”

Timmy said even though he classes himself as a bin-fluencer, he wouldn’t be repeating the same trick again.

“My back garden smells like a Biffa processing plant and with the warmer weather, it’s attracting flies.”

Timmy is planning to put his correct bins out next week in order to start getting rid of his garden waste.

A Porth couple have decided to divorce, but have said that they’d still like to stay brother and sister.

Chris and Chris Jones got hitched three years ago, but things turned ugly at a local bingo hall last week.

Chris (the male one) told WalesOnCraic:

“We do usually take two dabbers to bingo so that we got one each like. But last week, Chris started using my one. I told her to use her own but she glassed me in the face with a bottle. Obviously, I wasn’t very happy with that so when we got home, I told her that we need to face facts and that the marriage wasn’t working. She said ‘ok’ so we then applied for a divorce online. I want to keep the house but so does she so we are going to have to have a fight about that one.”

Chris (the other one) added:

“I can’t not have him as a brother. Who’s going to unplug my sink when it’s full of crap? This divorce can be done in a nice way but I do want the house.”

The couple are now dating (other people, not each other).

Welsh government officials have announced that Newport is to be tarmacked over to create a relief road on the M4.

The new relief road will allow visitors from England to reach the thriving metropolis of Cardiff much quicker.

Andrew Conehead, head of Welsh Roads and Stuff, told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve always had a problem at those bloody tunnels for years. They’ve become the biggest car park in Wales. So last night, when I was in bed, I thought of a new idea which will allow people to go straight over Newport and onto Cardiff a lot quicker. My idea is to tarmac over Newport and plonk a lovely big road on top. That way, people can get from England to the important places in Wales a lot quicker.

“I’ve spoken to the boys down the yard and they’ve got some spare tarmac left over from when we didn’t build that race circuit in Newport. They said that they can have the job done by the end of the month, which is great news.”

The relief road won’t include street lighting or safety barriers because the Welsh government has been looking to cut costs to fund their £4bn plastic straw recycling plant in the south Wales valleys.

Tarmacking is expected to start this weekend.

A nudist beach is set to open in the tropical north Wales resort of Prestatyn.

The designated beach will allow sun worshippers to walk around with their giblets out unhindered.

Simon ‘Shady’ Glenn, spokesman for the Get Yer Baps Out naturist campaign, told WalesOnCraic:

“When I was a youngster, I was always the ugly one in the class. As such, I never got to see women’s bits so when I grew up, I decided to campaign on the naturist theme to see naked women.

“We have pressed hard to get ourselves a nudist beach here in Prestatyn and I am happy to say that the envelope of cash I left at the Planning Office seems to have had the desired effect. I’ll be opening the beach next week and I’ll be taking both my binoculars and my camera to record the event.”

The new beach will include changing huts and an ice cream van.

“I can’t wait to see who comes. I’ve invited my mate Tony down for the day. He rarely sees naked women too so it’ll keep him happy. We might go for some pie and chips after,” added Mr Glenn.

Photo: Eirian Evans

A Welsh council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at, and threatened pedestrians.

Five lorries belonging to the Coed-y-Rhiw County District Council repeatedly told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break yer legs,’ when put into reverse gear.

Council spokesman, Darren Greysuit told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve had reports that several of our refuse collection lorries have been swearing at shoppers. We are investigating the matter but I’m convinced it was a former employee of ours, Craig Tightnuts, who is behind this. He got sacked last week for photocopying his arse and we know he’s the guy who looks after the reverse alarms on our lorries. If I find him, I’ll be breaking HIS legs.”

Shoppers were alarmed at the reverse alarms. 87-year-old Doreen Trolleybird told WalesOnCraic:

“Normally them things are pretty polite and ask me nicely to move out the way. This was way over the top. I was left emotionally scarred. I’ll be phoning the Samaritans in the morning, once I’ve done my drugs run.”

The humble hot dog has its roots based in Germany and the US. But it was today announced that the assembled dish of a sausage in a sliced bun has been chosen as the most popular tea in Wales.

The Welsh Hot Dog Appreciation Society’s Hugh Weiner told WalesOnCraic:

“We loves an ‘ot dog for tea, we does. They’re just so yummy. I remember when I was a kid, my mam used to make hot dogs for tea every night. She’d serve them up with red sauce and a napkin. I never ate the napkin, of course, because I’m not mental. But I am now over 30 stone and I can credit my mam for that.

“What I like most about hot dogs is they way the skin snaps when you bite into them. It’s then that the flavour of the stuff they scrape off the slaughterhouse floor really pops in the mouth. I serve them to my kids for tea every night now, following in my mum’s footsteps, bless her soul. I’m so happy to see that hot dogs have made it as the number one tea in Wales.”

The hot dog first originated in Germany, but was then welcomed by the US.

“We even had some for breakfast this morning,” added Weiner. “My teenage son sprinkled some stuff on them. They have a very unusual taste but I feel great. No idea why I woke up with a sheep in my bed though.”

In what aides are calling ‘a very big, very beautiful foreign policy announcement,’ President Donald Trump declared yesterday that the United States intends to assert ‘total and complete dominance’ over the Menai Strait.

Speaking from the Oval Office, Trump told reporters:

“People don’t know this, but the Menai Strait, and I’ve spoken to a lot of people about this, very smart people, it’s very strategic. Very, very strategic. More strategic, frankly, than the Strait of Hormuz. Nobody’s talking about it. I’m the only one talking about it.”

When a reporter pointed out that the Menai Strait is roughly half a mile wide, handles no oil tankers, and is most frequently used by kayakers and the Britannia Bridge railway service, Trump waved a tiny orange hand dismissively.

“That’s fake news. We have intelligence, tremendous intelligence, that suggests the Welsh are moving things through there. Big things. Could be very dangerous things. Could be sheep, the likes of which we’ve never seen before.”

In a late-night post on Truth Social, Trump elaborated:

“The Strait of Hormuz is very important, everyone knows this, I know this better than anyone. But the Menai Strait? NOBODY is watching the Menai Strait. Iran knows it. China knows it. Gwynedd County Council knows it. Disgraceful!!!”

Welsh First leader Gwilym ap Gwilym responded with a statement that read, in its entirety: “We have a suspension bridge. We’re good.”

The Pentagon confirmed it had conducted no threat assessment of the Menai Strait but added that it would ‘look into it’ if asked. The USS Gerald R. Ford carrier group is currently in the Mediterranean and is, according to defence officials, ‘not going anywhere near Bangor.’

A spokesperson for the Anglesey Sea Zoo declined to comment because they were too busy shovelling elephant shit.

American stuntman Evel Kneivel is set to wow UK audiences this summer by both coming back from the dead AND leaping the Bristol Channel on a motorbike.

The famed US daredevil will take off from Penarth Pier and hopefully land somewhere near Weston-super-Mare in late August.

Event organiser Tammy Twang told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s been quite a boring summer so far so we thought we’d bring a splash of American excitement to south Wales by organising this jump. We’re going to build a very long ramp on Penarth Pier and Evel is going to come down the hill opposite at top speed, launch off the ramp, and hopefully land somewhere near Weston-super-Mare.

“If we can get the right wind conditions on the day, he may end up in Devon so we’ve got some lads on standby there to catch him if he does. Our first challenge though is to raise Evel back from the dead as he died nearly 20 years ago.”

Evel was famous for his daring escapades during the 1970s and 80s. In 1985, he famously leapt over the English Channel, landing on two wheels and giving out Wham bars to kids as he did.

A BMW driver was spotted in Cardiff, using his indicator correctly yesterday.

Reports say the driver used his indicator correctly at a roundabout.

Eyewitness Natasha Munch told WalesOnCraic:

“I never thought I’d see it in my lifetime but I guess I was in the right place at the right time. This BMW came up sensibly to the roundabout and stopped correctly at the line. The driver waited patiently for a gap in the traffic and put on his indicator to show that he was wanting to turn right. When he saw an opportunity, he proceeded to pull into the roundabout, using the correct lanes. THEN - he indicated to pull off the roundabout and onto the exit road. I was speechless.”

The remarkable event was also witnessed by other motorists, who couldn’t be arsed to speak to us.

A local garage has said that one of its drivers had taken a BMW out for a test drive after replacing the ashtray, possibly explaining the mysterious event.

Evening classes have been introduced to a Welsh city in a bid to show people how to use apostrophe’s correctly.

Classes start in September for those who struggle to use the punctuation marks correctly.

Course director Simon Sniffle told WalesOnCraic:

“We are still shocked in this day and age by the amount of people who cant seem to use their apostrophe’s correctly. My wife works as a teacher and even she can’t get that shit right. We’ve decided to set up some evening classes as its’ the only way that people can get a better understanding of there proper usage.

“Classes start in September and costs £50 with a free cup of orange squash. We were going to bring in some biscuits but my greedy little fingers couldn’t stop myself from stealing them and eating them all. I think I’ve got a bit of a problem actually. I may need to see someone about my addition to biscuits. It’s making me obese.”

Classes need to be pre-booked in advance so that Mr Sniffle can ensure they’res enough orange squash.

A spillage of a shipment of 5,000 dildos sparked a scramble at a Welsh beach on the weekend.

A queue of Fiat 500s and Minis stretched back 5 miles from Cwmhard Beach after the cargo ship capsized and spilt its load.

One of the first to the beach was Mary Munter, who told WalesOnCraic:

“I had a phone call from my best friend who said that there’d been an incident down at the beach. She said that the ship had hit the beach and 5,000 dildos were up for grabs. I turned off my S Club 7 album and jumped straight into my Fiat 500.

“When I first got to the beach, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The whole beach was strewn with plastic cocks as far as I could see. I got my Kwik Save bags out of my boot and started collecting them. I must have collected well over a hundred; some of them haven’t even been used before! I’m now going to get them on Vinted to see if I can get something for my efforts.”

Traffic came to a standstill at the beach as sightseers collected the phallic fun sticks to take home.

“I got one for me, my Mam, and my Nan,” said another excited visitor. Local shops have been warned to stock up on batteries in the next few days.

A park runner from Caerphilly has been left devastated after beating her previous personal best but forgetting to post it to social media.

Emily Jiggles beat her previous personal best by 30 seconds but rued the opportunity to post it to social media.

The 30-year-old mum-of-none told WalesOnCraic:

“I goes to the park run every weekend as it’s my opportunity to wear the tight leggings I bought in Primark a few weeks back. I’ve got all the kit - bit white daps, a thing to strap my phone to my arm, and a tight white top that makes my titties look good.

“I was determined to beat my PB this weekend and I put every effort into doing just that. I ran as fast as I could and before I knew it, I had a new personal best. I was so thrilled that I went to the local pub and downed 8 pints of Stella. The problem is that I passed out and totally forgot to post my news to Facebook. I know all my friends would have been so thrilled to see my news and now they are all left devastated that they don’t know it.”

Emily hopes to beat her personal best again next week and it determined to post it to social media if she does.

“I’m determined to post it to social media again if I does,” she added.

Organisers of this year’s Wales Ironman competition have announced a new category that will put men’s endurance to the test - sitting through a hen do in Merthyr.

Lads will have to sit through seven straight hours of bad karaoke and incessant screeching to be in with a chance of winning this year’s title.

Organisers told WalesOnCraic:

“We like to push the boundaries of what the human body can endure. We’ve put men in water and asked them to swim; we’ve put them on bikes and told them to pedal; we’ve even then given them some daps and told them to run a marathon. But this year, we’re upping the ante and looking to sort the men from the boys.

“Our participants will now have to sit through seven hours of a hen do in Merthyr. They won’t be allowed to call for help, they can only visit the bathroom once every two hours, and they won’t be allowed to go on their phones. Instead, they’ll have to sit through seven hours of bad karaoke and incessant screeching to see if they really are as tough as they say they are.”

Ironman contestant Mike Blister told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m not sure if this is a step too far. I accidentally found myself in a hen do when I was on a night out in Cardiff and I came away feeling used and dirty. We’ll have to see how we can cope with this new category. I fear it might just be too hard to put myself through.”

Organisers have stocked up on inflatable cocks ahead of this year’s competition.

“We’ve got loads of inflatable cocks,” said one organiser.

A man from Aberystwyth was hospitalised last night after one of his English friends called him a sheepshagger.

William ‘Will’ Williams nearly died of laughter after his English friend cracked the classic sheepshagger joke on a night out.

Mr Williams told WalesOnCraic:

“I was on a night out to celebrate my friend’s birthday and we was having a bit of bants when my friend from Bolton called me a sheepshagger. I’d never heard that term before and I started laughing. The more I thought about what he had said, the more I laughed. And the more I laughed, the more I laughed. It got to a point where I couldn’t breathe and after nearly ten minutes of this, I collapsed on the floor.

“My mates thought I was playing up but I was genuinely struggling to breathe - that’s how funny the sheepshagger comment was. After another half an hour though, my mates realised that I was struggling so they called an ambulance and I was carted off to hospital. When I got there, I told the nurse what my English friend had said and she had to go home from work because she was laughing so hard.”

William’s friends continued their night out without him, but went to visit him in hospital the following day.

“We’re going to get him a T-shirt with the word sheepshagger on it. We’re mad like that, see?”

William is expected to be discharged from hospital this weekend.

The Welsh Defence Force has said that that will installing BB guns at various points along the Wales/England border.

The street defence force said it feels Wales needs more security guarantees in an uncertain world.

The group’s leader, Blodywn ap Blodwyn told WalesOnCraic:

“Just looking at the news every day makes us realise how unstable the world has become and it’s only right that we take the appropriate measures to defend ourselves. Our borders have been left open to invasion by England for far too long and if the Welsh Assembly’s not going to do anything about it, we’ll take matters into our own hands.

“We’ll be installing BB guns along the border. Darren from down the road said he can get a few installed this weekend and Billy Bighead said he might be able to stick some up sometime next week if he can get some time off work. These will deter any English crusaders from invading our country.”

The BB gun batteries will be placed at strategic points along the border.

“We’ll definitely have some by the Little Chef because we’ve seen a few English people trying to get in there. We might put some on the A40 too but it depends if Darren can get his hands on some more hardware.”

The group will be meeting at their local Lidl car park next month to plan their next steps in keeping Wales secure.

Starting off misty and foggy in some areas. Things will soon brighten up though, mostly in the east. Over in the west, it’ll remain cloudy and breezy with a few showers, that will soon spread to the rest of Wales like a bad fart. Feeling mild with a maximum temperature of 14 °C.

Down on the farm, Farmer Honey has been worrying about his future so he book…

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