Proven: Excessive masturbation affects eyesight

Scientists at a Welsh laboratory have proven that exessive masturbation affects eyesight.

Three professors spent six months studying the phenomemon, before announcing their findings in a Lidl car park.

Professor Jim BoggleEyes told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s true. It’s all true. I spent six months investigating this and it’s all true. I’ve lost most of my eyesight and let this be a lesson to all those dirty pervs out there – it’s not worth it. I can no longer watch Emmerdale unless I’m literally sat on top of the telly, which is a bit diffucult when it’s screwed to the wall. I’m also unable to drive and have to get a taxi to wherever I’m going. Which is a problem as I never know where I’m going.”

The scientists were locked away in a dark cupboard for six months and surivived on pizza and beer.

One scientist told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d like to go home now. There’s only so much a man can take.”

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