Pissheads across England are gearing up to help accelerate Boris Johnson’s planned herd immunity policy and celebrate Super Spreader Saturday.
Lager louts and angry gammons from across the land have been drinking in pubs across England since 6am this morning.
A spokesman for Westminster told WalesOnCraic:
“We are relying on the good old English public to do the job that we couldn’t get away with in the public eye – and that’s to spread the virus as far and as wide as humanly possible so that it will wipe them all out. Of course, we couldn’t possibly say publicly that we’re chasing the herd immunity dream. Oh no. What we’re doing is opening up the pubs and advising pissheads to act responsibly, knowing full well that this won’t be the case. We can then blame the pissheads for the sudden and dramatic rise of infections over the next few weeks while we sit back and not take any responsibility at all. It’s a genius plan. We keep everyone happy. Apart from those who will be having their lungs shot to shit.”
One lout told WalesOnCraic:
“I’ve ‘ad a few already and we’ve been locked up for over 3 months now and if I wants to celebrate Super Spreader Saturday, then I will. Want a packet of crisps? Cheese and onion mate. Nah. Don’t like ready salted. Boring as shit mate.”