A nationwide cleanup operation has begun after an earthquake measuring 5.0 on the Richter scale hit Port Talbot in the early hours. Its epicentre was around the Wetherspoons area and victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Fuuuckinell”.
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from Mumbles and the Costa del Gower were damaged beyond repair.
Three streets of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Neath Port Talbot County Council reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Port Talbot. One resident – Diamond-Ferrari Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said:
“It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shaznay-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of cheap 35p energy drinks to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from the pawn shop and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Nike or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Stella or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys 10 L&B and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked.
“Port Talbot” said the girl, “wossit gotta do wiv you?”