Earthquake Aid Workers inundated with requests

In the wake of the Great Earthquake of 2018, aid workers today said they’ve been inundated with requests to help rebuild.

Swansea resident Tony Two-Teeth said he’d been called to a property with severe damage to personal possessions. Greeting cards had fallen over on the mantelpiece and windowsills during the 0.08 magnitude Wobble yesterday and he was struggling to put them back up.

“Every time I put a card back up I knock another 3 down,” he said. “It’s getting to the point where I’m going to bin them. I’ve still got 3 properties to attend to before Neighbours starts at 1:45, but it was Joyce’s 80th a few days ago and they’re bloody everywhere. I’m never going to get back in time.”

Another aid worker said he’d been sent up the tops shops where a load of stacked tins had fallen off a shelf.

“A request came in late last night for a couple of us to attend a scene of culinary devastation up the top shops,” he said. “An entire aisle of tinned produce was scattered all over the shop floor and they needed help putting the 10p ‘Whoops!’ labels on them due to dents in all the tins. Luckily, the more robust tuna tins survived the worst of the damage.”

Resilience in the community was applauded by local councillor Tonald Dump.

“I just can’t believe the effort some have gone to, helping restore our community back to normality following yesterday’s Wobble. I saw one lady standing a garden gnome back up outside her house, whilst sipping on a cup of tea. That spirit is what’s making Britain great again.”

Others were also putting on a stiff upper lip and getting on with things themselves. According to her Facebook post, Karen Saggyarse managed to get 15 loads of laundry done, ironed the boys’ school uniforms, made a vegetable and crouton cup-a-soup, showered a stray dog, cleaned the house from top to bottom and bottom to top AND took the cat to the vets for an operation to remove its gonads, all before 9:30am. She has been nominated for a Pride of Britain award by her friend.

When approached for comment about the nomination, Karen simply said ‘Tidy!’