Cyclists who use no hands ‘lack skills in other areas of life’

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Cyclists who ride with no hands on the handlebars lack skills in other areas of their life.

That’s the claim of Sidney TrebleChin, Professor of Naff All at the University of Bollocks.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I often cycle to work myself and every now and then, I get someone going past on their bike with no hands on the handlebars. They could be on their phone, having a drink, or just showing off. I’ve tried cycling myself with no hands as it’s something I’d really love to do, much to no avail. I decided to study these people and after speaking to one of these cyclists, I have come to the conclusion that these people lack other basic skills in life – things like being able to write their own name or counting to three. These cyclists speed along with no hands on the handlebars to overcompensate for this lack of basic life skills. The way they just whizz along like as if it’s really easy to do. God I hate them. If I ever see one again, I’m going to push one off or stick a metal bar in their spokes. Eurgh. I hope that they all fall off and break their jaws.”

A spokesman for Cyclists UK said:

“Professor Treblechin can go do one. He obviously hasn’t got the skills to ride along no handed has he? I can count the number of times he’s tried pushing me off when he’s seen me. There was once by the bus stop, second by the car park and…what comes after two?”