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Nato Summit 2014: How to Avoid Cardiff Traffic Chaos

Nato Summit 2014: How to Avoid Cardiff Traffic Chaos

Did you get stuck in traffic on your morning commute into Cardiff? You are not alone. Outraged drivers flooded social media with their complaints as security measures ahead of next month’s Nato Summit caused rush-hour chaos. One driver, who was delayed for 15 minutes, went bonkers and actually drove into the front window of Burger King, took all his clothes off and asked for a KFC. He was shot several times and thrown in the River Taff.

On September 4 and 5, when the Nato Summit is being held, the area will be ‘locked down’ by the security services. A large security fence is being constructed around two city centre venues – Cardiff Castle and the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama. The council said the fence line is due to the “unique security requirements” which is mainly to stop drunken Valley girls trying to break the security ring to shag Obama and other foreign-looking World leaders.

Tracy Small from Porth said, “Nothing gonna stop me playing a tune on Obama’s flute. I’d even give up fags (for an hour) to bang him.”

A spokesperson for the council told us, “We encourage people to use their very own helicopters or their motorized jet packs. Or if they are poor, just avoid the travel woes by not going to work. Stay in and watch Loose Women on TV instead. It’s that’s easy. We have all got the days off with pay.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Proposed Batch Of 50p Shops Set To Hit The Valleys

50p store

Fear for jobs and dull people everywhere in the Valleys!

WalesonCraic have discovered that a batch of 50 pence shops are being ear-marked for opening in the valleys in the coming year. The shops simply called, ‘Never Mind the Poundshops…here are the 50p Shops’ have already spread fear among the community concerning massive jobs cuts for the staff of the thousands of Poundshops that litter every high street in our Valley towns.

A spokesman for the Poundshop of Wales Society told us:

“It’s bad news for everyone, I can see at least a million job cuts…these cheap bastards will ruin it…I can honestly see the day of the 10 pence shop…mark my words…then where the hell will we be? We may as well all move to bloody DERI.”

For no apparent reason we decided to ask a weird bloke from Aberdare to comment. Through a mouth of green decaying teeth, he muttered:

“50 pence shops will be great. I shop for everything in the Poundshop but now I will be able to buy ummm, ummmm, three times more when the 50p shops come.”

WalesonCraic commented that we should have said a very dull as well as weird bloke from Aberdare.

WalesonCraic Poll:-

Should we have 50 pence shops in our towns?

If Yes txt ‘Yes’ to Walesoncraic.

If No, txt:- ‘Fack off mate there’s only a certain amount of shit products that money can buy.’

We will keep you posted. But probably not as we’ve got better things to be doing with our time.

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Brecon Young Farmers to Build M4 Relief Road

Brecon Young Farmers have submitted plans to build a relief road THROUGH Newport to help ease congestion on the M4. M4 Relief Road

Chairman Dai Mitchell told WalesOnCraic:

“All this poppycock talk of roads around Newport. Why not bulldoze a road right through Newport, have done with the place once and for all, and ease congestion on the M4 in the process? I’ve got a tractor and my mate Ben’s got a few shovels and bag of cement. I don’t see how the Welsh Assembly can over look this project.”

But critics have pointed out flaws in the plans. Eve DoGood, President of the Oppose Everything Lobby, told WalesOnCraic:

“We oppose this project. Dai’s got a tractor yes, but he hasn’t got one of those scoop things that can pick stuff up with. As a result, this project should never get off the ground. We’d like to see some lads with bigger tractors do the job. Newport’s a big place.”o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Young Farmers AGM Declare Brecon an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty

Young Farmers AGM Declare Brecon an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty

(apart from the car park behind Kwik Save)

Brecon Young Farmers have formally declared the town of Brecon as an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

In their Annual General Meeting, held at Holly Farm, both members of the group decided to name Brecon as a ‘nice place to live’. The only reservation, they said, was the car park behind Kwik Save, which was regularly covered in broken-down boxes from the store.

“It’s a shame that Kwik Save can’t keep that car park clean. Some of us like to go there in our cars late at night to meet up with other like-minded friends, if you know what I mean. Having a piece of Monster Munch box slapping against your arse when you’re enjoying yourself should never happen in today’s modern society.”

The meeting finished with a visit to the said car park.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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LEAKED: NATO Itinerary for South Wales Summit

A local man has LEAKED a top secret NATO Itinerary ahead of the NATO Summit in South Wales next month.

As world leaders gather to discuss whether they should bomb the shit out of Russia, their timetable has been published by a local tourist attraction worker who found it in a toilet cubicle.

Terry Tightgrits of Aberystwyth leaked the itinerary ‘so that the world could know that they’re just here on a jolly’.

But critics have condemned Mr Tightgrits’ actions, calling them irresponsible and dangerous. Government spokesperson Brian BigBollocks told WalesOnCraic:

“This is a dangerous thing to do and we wholly condemn Mr Tightgrits for leaking the itinerary to the public. We  would like to ask any media outlet who has a copy, NOT to publish the itinerary in any way, shape or form .”

Here’s the itinerary in full:

 Thursday 4th September

8:00 Slap-up breakfast at Ramone’s café, Cardiff.

9:00 A demonstration from the Women’s Guild of Teacosy Knitters of South Wales.

10:00 A quick visit round the National Museum of Wales to see the giant turtle that they’ve had there for 20 odd years.

10:30 Toilet break.

11:00 Mystery Coach Trip to Barry Island.

12:00 Lunch at Marco’s Café, where the filmed the mildly amusing BBC comedy Gavin and Stacey over seven years ago.

13:00 A guided tour of where Butlins used to be.

13:30 A visit to Barry Memorial Hall to see an exhibition of Zumba led by local Zumba trainer Gaynor GoggleEyes.

14:00 Head to Penrhys Leisure Centre to view the new lockers installed into the men’s changing rooms.

15:00 Meeting in the café at Asda Merthyr to discuss Big Brother.

16:00 Head to Celtic Manor for an important meeting.

17:00 Meeting to discuss the terrorist threat of ISIS.

23:00 Conclude meeting discussing the terrorist threat of ISIS. News conference to announce conclusion of the meeting – NATO to officially condemn them.

00:00 Piss up in the hotel bar.

Friday 5th September

8:00 Slap-up breakfast at Ramone’s café, Cardiff.

9:00 A display by the Aberdare Kettlebellers Display Team (Light Division – 2kgs or less).

10:00 Coach tour of the Lidl stores of South Wales.

11:00 Meet and Greet with the baby otters of Coldbrook Nature Reserve.

12:00 Lunch at Big Bertha’s Trucker’s Café on the A472.

13:00 A visit to The Owl Sanctuary in Bassaleg to see the baby hatchlings.

14:00 A visit to the Build-A-Bear outlet in Bridgend where delegates will get to build their own bear.

15:00 A Very Important Meeting in Secret Somewhere.

16:00 A How-To-Polish-Leather-Shoes-With-Your-Tongue-And-Arse-Cheeks-Class with Doris Thunderguts at Wattstown Community Hall.

17:00 High tea with scones and PG Tips.

18:00 Coaches home.