Posted on

HMRC Llanishen evacuated after worker lets off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart

The HMRC tax office in Llanishen was evacuated today after one of its workers let off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart.

A HMRC spokesman confirmed that the office had been fully evacuated after workers were left struggling to breathe. Police have arrested a 42 year old man for disruption of the peace.

The HMRC spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“At about 2:40 this afternoon, following complaints by workers that they were struggling to breathe, we initiated our evacuation policy. 2,000 members of staff were safely evacuated.”

One worker said:

“It was horrific. I’d only just come back from lunch and it hit me in the face like Satan’s breath. A green fog descended on the office. I couldn’t breathe and raised the alarm quickly.”

42 year-old Tony GrumbleGuts, who was later arrested was quickly identified as the culprit. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d been having bardy guts all day like. Bit of a twitch here and bit of a twitch here. I’d been in a rush a lunchtime and picked up a few Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles from Morrisons next door. But after I’d had a hot chocolate from the vending machine, it seemed to trigger a chain reaction in my guts. Next thing I know, I lay back in my chair, opened my legs and floated off an air biscuit. As soon as it left my arsehole, I knew I was in trouble. It practically strangled me.”

Witnesses describe hearing a low rumbling sound, like that of a passing lorry. Staff resumed work after the offices had been fumigated.

Posted on

Welsh Police Who Find Drivers Smoking With Children In The Car To Be ‘Allowed To Punch Them Hard In The Face’

Welsh police are to be given powers to punch people hard in the face if they find them smoking in their cars with children in the back.

The proposals are being discussed as part of the Welsh Government’s attempt to clamp down on drivers who smoke.

A police official told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re hoping that we can pass this legislation. I’m really looking forward to catching people smoking and punching them hard in the face. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as hearing the crunch of a nose breaking.”

But smokers’ groups have criticised the new proposals. Derek Yellowteeth of Swansea, told WalesOnCraic:

“If we want to give our kids a wide range of serious illnesses, we should be allowed to do it in the privacy of our own cars. If the kids don’t like it, well- they have free will. They can leave a speeding car if they want to – they know where the door handles are.”

The police official added:

“I’m going to get some knuckle dusters off Ebay to sort these twats out once and for all. They’ll find it hard smoking with no facking nose.”

Posted on

Wales CRUSH Andorra To Set Up Euro Glory

Wales look set to qualify for Euro 2016 after CRUSHING Andorra at the Estadi Comunal d’Andorra la Vella last night.

Wales DOMINATED the game with 100% of the possession, except when one of the Andorran players took a penalty in the first half.

The Welsh manager told WalesOnCraic:

“Obviously the lads gave it 100% and all credit to the Andorran side obviously, and we’ll look to take the positives from this game and yeah…obviously.”

Trophy-hungry Wales travelled to Andorra, the Italian name for Andover, seeking their first win over the highly-rated side for 204 years.
Wales were so good, that they even let Andorra score in the first half, just so that they could play catch up.

The Andorran manager said something, but we couldn’t understand what he said.

Wales are now in pole position to not only qualify for the Euros, but to go on and win the tournament, even now that Dean Saunders has retired.

Posted on

Apple Unveil New Welsh Version of iPhone 6: The DaiPhone

Apple have announced a Welsh version of their new iPhone 6 – the DaiPhone.

Apple broke the news at a glitzy launch yesterday, and were quick to sell its new features to the Welsh public.

Boss Buck Smiley told WalesOnCraic:

“We thought we’d combine stereotypical views of the Welsh with our ground-breaking technology. So we’ve pre-installed Tom Jones’s ‘Delilah’ as a ring tone and put a picture of Shirley Bassey as a screensaver. It’s a must-have for anyone who’s Welsh, who’s been to Wales, or read about it on a brochure or something.”

However, some Welsh users may find that they won’t be able to use all the new DaiPhone in the way they want.

“SIRI won’t understand you if you speak Welsh because we couldn’t be arsed to translate it all and program it all in. So if you start speaking to it in Welsh, it will come back and say ‘What the hell was that you just said?’ Then it will ask you to say something properly.”

The new DaiPhone does offer some new and bespoke Welsh features however:

• Built-in sheep radar
• Voice-change to make you sound like Tom Jones
• Pre-loaded image gallery of Welsh celebrities, including Jessica Garlick
• Pre-loaded Guide to Planting Daffodils and Leeks

The new DaiPhone will be available sometime in the future. Probably.

Posted on

Wales To ‘Declare Independence While Cameron Farts Around In Scotland’: CLAIM

Wales is set to declare independence from the United Kingdom while David Cameron and the other two main party leaders are up in Scotland shoring up ‘No’ votes, it has been claimed.

Welsh Nationalist Independent Friends of Wales Association’s Blodwyn ap Blodwyn made the announcement this evening, after closing a meeting with his friends down the pub.

“The three main leaders aren’t interested in us at all. We’ve waved flags and blown whistles down the local park and what do they do? That’s right – they fack off up to Scotland. They’re only after their oil so we’ve decided that we, as a nation, will declare independence from the United Kingdom while they’re up there farting around.”

But critics have pointed out that the nationalist plan is ill thought through.

“Blodwyn’s a bit of a dickhead to be honest…thinks he’s Owain Glyndŵr or something. I wouldn’t take any notice of him if I were you.”

But Blodwyn was adamant that Wales will declare independence.

“We’ve got it all sorted out. We’ve made a list of the things we’d like to keep, like the NHS, the BBC and the X Factor and I’ve sent them on to David [Cameron] in an email so he can pick them up when he gets back from Scotland. I’ve marked it as ‘Important’ so he doesn’t miss it.”

He added:

“Would you like to come and join us at our next meeting? We’re having a darts tournament next time.”

Posted on

Mutant Stowaways Surprise Posh Rich Couple From Cardiff

A posh Cardiff couple returning home from day out the Rhondda Valley were stunned to see a gang of mutant stowaways emerge from under their motorhome.

Chris and Chris Muggins were alerted to the gang of stowaways when friends following their Swift Bolero saw twelve legs, twenty one arms, a woman with three eyes and fat bloke in a wheel chair sticking out underneath it. The couple had only driven from the top end of the Rhondda to Pontypridd.

Chris (the female one) told WalesOnCraic:

“There were loads of them, each one uglier than the next. By God there must be some in-breeding going on in their families.”

The couple had driven for nearly two hours straight before they stopped and the gang started to appear.

Chris (the male one) said:

“I didn’t stop once throughout our journey, not even at red lights or at junctions, except when I had to. Suddenly, I looked at the side and I could see a creature with one large eye and no teeth walking along the hard shoulder – I turned to Chris and said ‘Bugger me. I wouldn’t like to see him in a dark alleyway.’ The next thing – his whole family appeared from where we keep the spare wheel. Like dead zombies they were. Sorry. I need a drink.”

There is now a renewed concern about illegal immigration from the Rhondda area into Cardiff and vice versa. There have been calls by politicians to use steel fences used in the NATO to stop people from the valleys entering the capital illegally.

“I almost shat myself.” said Chris (the female one, herself not particularly blessed with good looks)

Posted on

Disabled Parking Spaces To Be Used For Disabled People and Lazy-Arsed Coppers

Disabled parking bays are to be designated for use by ‘disabled people and lazy-arsed police drivers’, under new proposals put forward by a Council in Cardiff.

It follows nationwide riots that took place when a police car was spotted parking in an empty disabled parking space after 9pm on a quiet Sunday night.

Angry disabled campaigner, Debbie Twotrees told WalesOnCraic:

“I am absolutely SEETHING with rage that the council has put forward these proposals. Look at me – look at how red my face from being so angry. I could rip your face off, I’m THAT angry. Disabled car parking spaces should be for disabled people ONLY and NOT lazy-arsed coppers at ANY time.” [capital letters used for emphasis].

But Terry Tightnuts, a wheelchair user from Cardiff, told WalesOnCraic:

“If the police need to use it while they’re on duty and it’s an emergency, then why not? I personally couldn’t give a shiny shite myself.”

Debbie Twotrees added:

“I’m writing to the papers about this. They’ll help me tell my story.”

Posted on

Is This The Image of Wales We Want The World To See?

A row has broken out after a new tourism advert, proclaiming that it always rains in Wales and that the Welsh people are arseholes, is set to hit TV screens across the UK.

The 30-second long advert, which tells viewers to ‘walk in the beauty of its natural environment’ whilst showing a picture of some people getting totally soaked through, is due to air this week during The Chase.

A spokesman for the London company responsible for the advert told WalesOnCraic:

“We were just trying to portray the country in a realistic light and to be truthful. We have been filming here for three months and it has rained everyday except for one afternoon when it snowed and we got beaten up by bandits. They were total arseholes.”

PMT for Wales, Mary Morgan, told WalesOnCraic:

“Well to be honest, the rain makes my hair go all fuzzy and I have never seen the bandits but I once saw Tom Jones in Tesco in Ponty buying fish sticks.”

But local vicar John Holy wasn’t impressed:

“Their so-called slogan – ‘Wales: The Big Country Where It Pisses Down All Of The Time’, although meteorologically correct, isn’t the nicest way to describe Wales. We have lots of indoor fun to be had here, like drinking tea and watching Heno.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Posted on

87% Of Welsh People ‘Pining For NATO Like A Lost Lover’

87% of Welsh people are ‘pining for NATO like a lost lover’, according to a WalesOnCraic poll carried out over the weekend.

With the NATO circus now moving on to pastures new, it seems the people of Wales are facing the reality of getting back to things the way they were before, according to the poll.

Glenys Grimgritts, who wanted to remain anonymous, told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d give anything to have NATO back. It was all so exciting, what with those big helicopters flying around and that. I’ve now got the prospect of going back to my shitty job with nothing to talk about apart from Shitly Come Dancing – and what a load of old shit that is.”

Another pollster added:

“God, I miss NATO. My heart is pining for them to all come back. I’ve never been this heart-broken since my wife of 50 years ago left me for another woman. Even if they just called to let me know that they were ok, and that they were thinking of me – that’s all I want. I’ve booked myself in for a day at the Celtic Manor just to spend the day reminiscing.”

Even one staff writer at WalesOnCraic said:

“We’ve got nothing we can take the piss out of right now. It’s been really easy writing stuff about NATO because it’s been so unique but what can we write about now? We’ve got to go making stuff up now and we really can’t be arsed.”o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Posted on

NATO Police Infiltrated Our Peace Camp: CLAIM

NATO protesters have released a photo of a man they believe infiltrated their Peace Camp at the NATO Summit.

They believe the man was some sort of agent working for the government, and has accused him of spying on their activities.

Camp Leader, who wanted to be known by his pretend name, Captain Dreadlock, told WalesOnCraic:

“Looking back, we did have this guy in here that none of us knew. But we were so smacked up to the tits, that it’s only now, looking back at the photos, that we realise that our security was compromised. We are looking for a man about six foot high, wearing distinctive dark, branded clothing, including some kind of helmet with a blue flashing light on it, who was going around, bending his knees and saying ‘Allo, allo, allo. What have we got ‘ere then?’ We think he may have come from the London area.”

But NATO sources said that they hadn’t planted anyone in the peace camp. Steve Nedge told WalesOnCraic:

“They’re talking out of their arseholes. We wouldn’t have wasted our resources infiltrating their camp. We were too busy standing on the sides of the roads watching cars.”

But Dreadlock was adamant:

“There was. There was someone here. I knows it.”

The protesters, whose goal is for everyone in the world to sit around small fires playing guitars, helped shape NATO policy at the important summit by standing outside the meetings, blowing whistles and holding up bits of cardboard with marker pen scribbled on them.o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o