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Welsh superband ‘The Automatic’ set to release their Greatest Hit album

Welsh supergroup The Automatic are releasing their Greatest Hit album after missing out on big deal with Apple.

The band, dubbed ‘the Welsh U2’ decided to release their album after missing out on a multi-billion pound deal to automatically download their music to the new iPhone.

The band haven’t commented on the release (mainly because we haven’t asked them plus we’ve totally made this story up) but superbandsuperfan, Sally Lally, told WalesOnCraic:

“I loved The Automatic. I loved that song, what was it called now – Monster? That’s it. I liked that one. I used to dance to it down the disco.”

Apple [didn’t] tell WalesOnCraic:

“We liked what The Automatic offered us in terms of material but Bono has a lovely pair of sunglasses and we thought that this would fit with our target audience.”

The Automatic’s greatest hit album will be called ‘The Automatic’s Greatest Hit’ and will feature their greatest hit, ‘Monster’. It’s released on Monday and will be available to buy online for free.

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Mediocre Welsh Singer Set To ‘Slightly Impress’ On Tonight’s X Factor

A mediocre Welsh singer is set to ‘slightly impress’ the judges on tonight’s X Factor.

Tredegar-born, Dan Bigballs, completed his audition a few months back with his rendition of Big Spender, which will be shown tonight on live TV.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“My mum made me look the part – skinny jeans, spiky hair and a denim jacket and all that. I did what she told me to do too – I added lots of ‘woooah yeahs’ and stuff to my song. And then when they asked me what winning the X Factor would mean to me, I told that it would ‘mean the world to me’ and that ‘it’s make or break for me’.”

But the clinching factor for the judges was when Dan started crying and telling the story of how his family had been thrown out of his home by the council and that his mum’s foot had fallen off and that she couldn’t continue her job as trolley collector in Kwik Save because her new fibre glass foot keeps getting stuck in the grating in the car park and her foot keeps coming off and that his dad had died twice, fatally, after eating too many eggs.

“Yeah. Once I turned on the waterworks, they put me through.” said Dan. “I’ve got the film crew coming round next week to film my mum collecting trolleys at Kwik Save and they’re going to film her jamming her foot in the grating and it coming off. Wooooo yeah etc etc.”

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South Wales Woman Aiming To Become ONLY Woman in Wales To NOT Put Heating On Before The End of September

A South Wales woman is hoping to become the ONLY woman in Wales to NOT put her heating on before the end of September.

Alys Slenderthigh from Cardiff told WalesOnCraic:

“A lot of my friends are Facebooking me and telling me that they’re thinking about putting their heating on but they really are mental. I’m sticking things out till the month, even if that means that my pipes freeze and my tits fall off. With energy prices the way they are at the moment, I’m not even thinking of flicking that switch until the month is out.”

Alys, from the Heath area of Cardiff, held out until September 29th last year, but this year, she’s hoping to go one better.

“I’ve got friends in America who are lasting until the end of November. Of course, they do things so much better over there than we do here. But I’m determined to become the only woman in Wales who doesn’t put it on before the end of September.”

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HMRC Llanishen evacuated after worker lets off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart

The HMRC tax office in Llanishen was evacuated today after one of its workers let off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart.

A HMRC spokesman confirmed that the office had been fully evacuated after workers were left struggling to breathe. Police have arrested a 42 year old man for disruption of the peace.

The HMRC spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“At about 2:40 this afternoon, following complaints by workers that they were struggling to breathe, we initiated our evacuation policy. 2,000 members of staff were safely evacuated.”

One worker said:

“It was horrific. I’d only just come back from lunch and it hit me in the face like Satan’s breath. A green fog descended on the office. I couldn’t breathe and raised the alarm quickly.”

42 year-old Tony GrumbleGuts, who was later arrested was quickly identified as the culprit. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d been having bardy guts all day like. Bit of a twitch here and bit of a twitch here. I’d been in a rush a lunchtime and picked up a few Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles from Morrisons next door. But after I’d had a hot chocolate from the vending machine, it seemed to trigger a chain reaction in my guts. Next thing I know, I lay back in my chair, opened my legs and floated off an air biscuit. As soon as it left my arsehole, I knew I was in trouble. It practically strangled me.”

Witnesses describe hearing a low rumbling sound, like that of a passing lorry. Staff resumed work after the offices had been fumigated.

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Welsh Police Who Find Drivers Smoking With Children In The Car To Be ‘Allowed To Punch Them Hard In The Face’

Welsh police are to be given powers to punch people hard in the face if they find them smoking in their cars with children in the back.

The proposals are being discussed as part of the Welsh Government’s attempt to clamp down on drivers who smoke.

A police official told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re hoping that we can pass this legislation. I’m really looking forward to catching people smoking and punching them hard in the face. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as hearing the crunch of a nose breaking.”

But smokers’ groups have criticised the new proposals. Derek Yellowteeth of Swansea, told WalesOnCraic:

“If we want to give our kids a wide range of serious illnesses, we should be allowed to do it in the privacy of our own cars. If the kids don’t like it, well- they have free will. They can leave a speeding car if they want to – they know where the door handles are.”

The police official added:

“I’m going to get some knuckle dusters off Ebay to sort these twats out once and for all. They’ll find it hard smoking with no facking nose.”

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Wales CRUSH Andorra To Set Up Euro Glory

Wales look set to qualify for Euro 2016 after CRUSHING Andorra at the Estadi Comunal d’Andorra la Vella last night.

Wales DOMINATED the game with 100% of the possession, except when one of the Andorran players took a penalty in the first half.

The Welsh manager told WalesOnCraic:

“Obviously the lads gave it 100% and all credit to the Andorran side obviously, and we’ll look to take the positives from this game and yeah…obviously.”

Trophy-hungry Wales travelled to Andorra, the Italian name for Andover, seeking their first win over the highly-rated side for 204 years.
Wales were so good, that they even let Andorra score in the first half, just so that they could play catch up.

The Andorran manager said something, but we couldn’t understand what he said.

Wales are now in pole position to not only qualify for the Euros, but to go on and win the tournament, even now that Dean Saunders has retired.

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Apple Unveil New Welsh Version of iPhone 6: The DaiPhone

Apple have announced a Welsh version of their new iPhone 6 – the DaiPhone.

Apple broke the news at a glitzy launch yesterday, and were quick to sell its new features to the Welsh public.

Boss Buck Smiley told WalesOnCraic:

“We thought we’d combine stereotypical views of the Welsh with our ground-breaking technology. So we’ve pre-installed Tom Jones’s ‘Delilah’ as a ring tone and put a picture of Shirley Bassey as a screensaver. It’s a must-have for anyone who’s Welsh, who’s been to Wales, or read about it on a brochure or something.”

However, some Welsh users may find that they won’t be able to use all the new DaiPhone in the way they want.

“SIRI won’t understand you if you speak Welsh because we couldn’t be arsed to translate it all and program it all in. So if you start speaking to it in Welsh, it will come back and say ‘What the hell was that you just said?’ Then it will ask you to say something properly.”

The new DaiPhone does offer some new and bespoke Welsh features however:

• Built-in sheep radar
• Voice-change to make you sound like Tom Jones
• Pre-loaded image gallery of Welsh celebrities, including Jessica Garlick
• Pre-loaded Guide to Planting Daffodils and Leeks

The new DaiPhone will be available sometime in the future. Probably.

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Wales To ‘Declare Independence While Cameron Farts Around In Scotland’: CLAIM

Wales is set to declare independence from the United Kingdom while David Cameron and the other two main party leaders are up in Scotland shoring up ‘No’ votes, it has been claimed.

Welsh Nationalist Independent Friends of Wales Association’s Blodwyn ap Blodwyn made the announcement this evening, after closing a meeting with his friends down the pub.

“The three main leaders aren’t interested in us at all. We’ve waved flags and blown whistles down the local park and what do they do? That’s right – they fack off up to Scotland. They’re only after their oil so we’ve decided that we, as a nation, will declare independence from the United Kingdom while they’re up there farting around.”

But critics have pointed out that the nationalist plan is ill thought through.

“Blodwyn’s a bit of a dickhead to be honest…thinks he’s Owain Glyndŵr or something. I wouldn’t take any notice of him if I were you.”

But Blodwyn was adamant that Wales will declare independence.

“We’ve got it all sorted out. We’ve made a list of the things we’d like to keep, like the NHS, the BBC and the X Factor and I’ve sent them on to David [Cameron] in an email so he can pick them up when he gets back from Scotland. I’ve marked it as ‘Important’ so he doesn’t miss it.”

He added:

“Would you like to come and join us at our next meeting? We’re having a darts tournament next time.”

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Mutant Stowaways Surprise Posh Rich Couple From Cardiff

A posh Cardiff couple returning home from day out the Rhondda Valley were stunned to see a gang of mutant stowaways emerge from under their motorhome.

Chris and Chris Muggins were alerted to the gang of stowaways when friends following their Swift Bolero saw twelve legs, twenty one arms, a woman with three eyes and fat bloke in a wheel chair sticking out underneath it. The couple had only driven from the top end of the Rhondda to Pontypridd.

Chris (the female one) told WalesOnCraic:

“There were loads of them, each one uglier than the next. By God there must be some in-breeding going on in their families.”

The couple had driven for nearly two hours straight before they stopped and the gang started to appear.

Chris (the male one) said:

“I didn’t stop once throughout our journey, not even at red lights or at junctions, except when I had to. Suddenly, I looked at the side and I could see a creature with one large eye and no teeth walking along the hard shoulder – I turned to Chris and said ‘Bugger me. I wouldn’t like to see him in a dark alleyway.’ The next thing – his whole family appeared from where we keep the spare wheel. Like dead zombies they were. Sorry. I need a drink.”

There is now a renewed concern about illegal immigration from the Rhondda area into Cardiff and vice versa. There have been calls by politicians to use steel fences used in the NATO to stop people from the valleys entering the capital illegally.

“I almost shat myself.” said Chris (the female one, herself not particularly blessed with good looks)

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Disabled Parking Spaces To Be Used For Disabled People and Lazy-Arsed Coppers

Disabled parking bays are to be designated for use by ‘disabled people and lazy-arsed police drivers’, under new proposals put forward by a Council in Cardiff.

It follows nationwide riots that took place when a police car was spotted parking in an empty disabled parking space after 9pm on a quiet Sunday night.

Angry disabled campaigner, Debbie Twotrees told WalesOnCraic:

“I am absolutely SEETHING with rage that the council has put forward these proposals. Look at me – look at how red my face from being so angry. I could rip your face off, I’m THAT angry. Disabled car parking spaces should be for disabled people ONLY and NOT lazy-arsed coppers at ANY time.” [capital letters used for emphasis].

But Terry Tightnuts, a wheelchair user from Cardiff, told WalesOnCraic:

“If the police need to use it while they’re on duty and it’s an emergency, then why not? I personally couldn’t give a shiny shite myself.”

Debbie Twotrees added:

“I’m writing to the papers about this. They’ll help me tell my story.”