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Welsh Midweek Football Round-Up

 

TNT dynamite Sticks 6 v The Little Valley With A Tree That Looks Like An Arse 2
Attendance: 6 including a dead bloke whose last wish was to watch the game in the stand

Yogi Bear Rangers 0 v Sheepville United 7
Attendance: 12…no sorry 10…no sorry 6…we thought the sheep in the next field were fans

Leek Soup City Limits 1 v New-hair-Do and Matching Panties 8
Attendance: One man and a dog called Dollar who can lick his own balls (and in fact also licks his owners)

The New Saint Called Roger Moore 3 v Airbus Without Wings 4
Attendance: 3 until they left at half time to go and rob a post office

Connah’s Quay No-Knobs 31 v Old Cefn Druids and Rat’s Tails 0
Attendance: 10,000 (which includes a ant hill)

Port Tadpole 5 v Porth-As-Mad-As Fack-Dog 6
Attendance: 0 (and that was the highest crowd of the season)

Have-You-Got-A-Vest City v My Mother Looks Like My Father Town
GAME ABANDANDED AFTER THE REF WAS SHOT DEAD BY A PASSER-BY ON A HORSE

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Rhondda Woman Sells Eyes to Buy TV

A woman from Rhondda who sold her left eye to buy a plasma TV has been tragically blinded in her right eye just days after buying it.

Last night she told the WalesOnCaric:

“I wanted to buy a colour TV to watch Coronation Street. But as I tuned it in, I tripped on a banana skin and the remote got lodged in my right socket squashing my eyeball like a tomato. It’s very lucky I live in an area of the Rhondda where most people have three eyes and I’m one of them.”

The lady, who wishes to remain anonymous told WalesOnCraic she’s terrified now that her third eye might fail. Every day she looks at her empty sockets and is reminded of an ever-growing number of victims preyed on by eye traders who are selling the good eyes of the poor to the rich.

“I’m terrified.” she said. o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Newport Town Centre Evacuated After Zombie Scare

Newport Town centre was evacuated yesterday afternoon and put on a state of emergency after two American tourists raced (well, not raced, but waddled) to the town’s police centre, claiming they had seen real, living (or real, dead) zombies wandering around the town.

‘There were about 40 of them,’ Todd Backpack from Ohio informed WalesOnCraic. ‘They were really ugly looking creatures with dead eyes who were moaning and groaning and swearing a lot.’

The state of emergency was reduced to a ‘just a normal Friday afternoon in the town’ after police discovered the Americans had not actually seen zombies, but had simply stumbled on a gang of regulars from the Local Wetherspoons, standing outside the pub having a fag.

‘If I was a zombie,’ said Darren Girohead, the mayor of Newport Wetherspoons, ‘I would have definitely eaten them two….did you see the size of ‘em….like two dumper trucks in peacock shorts.’

The American tourists were last seen heading up to Pontypridd. God help them.o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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New Welsh Film Likely To Cause You To Soil Yourself

“If you were terrified by the Exorcist.
If you screamed at the Shining.
If you cowered in the corner at Hallowe’en…”

Then fear not. You will actually shit yourself if you dare see the new Welsh film coming soon to a theatre near you, according to Welsh film-maker Gwilym TwoPorches.

‘How Green Was My Bell-End? (After A One Night Stand in Rhigos)’ is due to hit cinemas in November and the Welsh director is keen to point out how scary the film will be to Welsh film-goers:

“I took my Mam to watch the first screening and she literally stopped breathing for 17 hours afterwards. She’s ok now though. I also took it down the club to watch it on VHS and Brian the Barman literally shat his stomach out there and then on the floor in front of us. It took us 20 minutes to get it all back in with a sweeping brush. He was ever so embarrassed that he gave us all a Babycham free on the house like.”

The local press have also praised the film after seeing the preview screenings. Cardiff Evening Standard said that it was  ‘The best film ever made in Rhigos – we gave it a thick 6 and a half inches out of seven’. The Deri Star announced that ‘We haven’t got electricity yet….so we haven’t seen it…but me brother’s mate’s uncle’s cousin from the red house by the Post Office said it was good’ while the ‘Rhigos on Sunday’ said ‘F-ckin’ cheek…..it wasn’t green…just a little limey.’

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Beginner’s Guide to Rugby Positions

Rugby is a complicated game. In a recent study, over 90% of professional players said that they did not understand most of the rules. Worringly, an alarming 96% of referees said the same. Rugby Positions

WalesOnCraic explains what they should be doing in theory.

The Props (No’s 1 or 3)
There are two props in every team, the tight-head and the loose-head. In theory, this relates to which side of the hooker and they ‘prop’ him up at the scrum. That’s all they have to do in the game and the position requires no running or jumping or anything else.

Hooker (No 2)
The hooker is the poor blighter who gets stuck right in the middle of a scrum. He’s also supposed to throw the ball into the lineout, but due to constant neck compression in the scrum affecting their hand/eye co-ordination, most hookers couldn’t hit a barn door from two feet away.

Second Row (No 4 & 5)
Sometimes called locks, these guys jump up for the ball in the lineout. Typically, they are over 6’10 and you can spot them thanks to the bandages they tape around their ears. This is to prevent their ears from being ripped off when the leave the scrum too quick to accidentally knock the ball on.

Back Row (No’s 6 & 7)
Often called the ‘dogs’ of the pack. Presumably because they smell of Pedigree Chum after an 80 minute game.

No.8 (No. 8)
The No. 8 is there to secure the scrum and to run at people, hopefully trampling all over their opponents and leaving studmarks on lots of faces.

Scrum Half (No 9)
The scrum half is the link between the pack and the backs. As such, he is the player most likely to get late tackled. He has to put the ball into the scrum in such a way that the first person to touch the ball is the second row in his team. He then takes it out of the scrum where he expects it to (unlikely).

The Fly-Half (No 10)
The fly-half is generally the person who gets abuse from the crowd for kicking the ball around too much. They also like to try and bluff their way past defenders. However this usually results in a horrific tackle and shouts of “Why didn’t you kick it?”

Wings (No’s 11 & 14)
These speedsters are rarely used in a game and often get bored and come infield, leaving the forwards to cover their position. Can cover role of spectator or linesman.

Centres (No’s 12 & 13)
There are two centre positions – inside and outside centre. The inside centre’s job is to shout to the No 10, “If you’d have passed that then, I’d have been in” and the outside centre’s job is to shout the same thing to the inside centre. Inside centres like to play ‘crash ball’ where he runs heads first into an opponent. This can go one of two ways – a spectacular breakthrough or a visit to the local hospital.

Full back (No 15)
Full-backs often look a lonely sight. It is their responsibility to be the last person to miss the tackle before the opposing side score. Often put under a ‘high ball’, the full back is often gets ‘swivel eye syndrome’ where they keep one eye on the ball and the other on the opposing team closing in on them. Like to shout ‘Mark’ a lot, presumably a friend of theirs.

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Ancient Egyptian mummy ‘discovered’ beneath chocolate aisle of Kwik Save

An ancient Egyptian mummy that was supposedly discovered beneath the chocolate aisle of Kwik Save in Rhyl has turned out to be a hoax.

The ‘mummy’ was discovered by shelf-stacker Tony Undergut who took his story to the local papers last week. The ‘mummy’ had been smothered in chocolate and nuts. The Kwik Save employee claimed it was the burial place of Pharaoh Roche.




But Undergut admitted that he’d made the whole thing up when challenged by his manager, Ryan Cleanwhistle. He told WalesOnCraic:

“Tony has been with us a for a few years now and he’s always been trying to make us laugh one way or another. Sadly, this Pharoah Roche ‘joke’ went down like a lead fart, especially after we took up Aisle 7 with a mini digger. We’ve suspended Tony pending further investigations and if the little shit tries to pull any more stunts like that, I’m sacking him on the spot.”

Tony’s mother, Toni, told WalesOnCraic:

“Tony’s a lonely lad. He was only trying to lift the morale of the staff there but clearly he took things too far this time. And yes, the Pharoah Roche joke was a bit crap, even by his standards.”



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Cardiff NATO Protesters Removing Steel Fence: CLAIM

NATO protesters in Cardiff are claiming to be removing sections of the Ring of Steel that is being set up around the city ahead of the NATO Summit.

Dean Wetcleft told WalesOncraic:

“We’ve had enough of it. These powerful leaders coming to our city just so that they can have a day out in Cardiff Castle and buy an I Love Wales mug. We’ve called for anarchy and we’ve got it – the quicker the Council are erecting the barriers around the city, our lads are round the other side removing them. We can’t put up with this subversion of the masses. The will to resist intervention are the products of combined political and social or class loyalties which are usually attached to national symbols.

“I read that on Wikipedia.” he added.

NATO leaders head to South Wales in early September and Cardiff Council are quick to point out that the fences are for security reasons.

But Wetcleft responded by telling WalesOncraic:

“If we can bring down this Wall of Oppression, it means that old ladies can get to browse the new Primark store – five floors of retail heaven apparently. It’s a win-win situation for all of us.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Welsh Mogwai Suffers Ice Bucket Fail

A Welsh Mogwai called Gizmo has turned into a Gremlin after an Ice Bucket Challenge went horribly wrong.

The two year old pet bubbled and steamed in his garden before being transformed into a small, destructive, evil monster and running off. Owner Dai Dingle from Aberdare told WalesOnCraic:

“Yeah, my butty Tony nominated my little Mogwai after he threw a bucket of water over his pet horse to raise money for JLS or something. I had no idea that he was going to spawn into a Gremlin and start terrorizing the local neighbourhood. The man down Ponty market who sold it to me told me not to let it come in contact with water like, but Gizmo’s never had a problem before when he has his cups of tea in the morning.”

The Gremlin has since left Dai’s house in the search for a public fountain to continue spawning. Dai and his friends did send out a search party to look for him but were back by 7.30. Dai said:

“It was a double bill of Corrie and Peter Barlow’s in all sorts of trouble. I know he’s mostly brought it on himself but you’ve got to feel sorry for the guy.”

The case continues.

 o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Nato Summit 2014: How to Avoid Cardiff Traffic Chaos

Nato Summit 2014: How to Avoid Cardiff Traffic Chaos

Did you get stuck in traffic on your morning commute into Cardiff? You are not alone. Outraged drivers flooded social media with their complaints as security measures ahead of next month’s Nato Summit caused rush-hour chaos. One driver, who was delayed for 15 minutes, went bonkers and actually drove into the front window of Burger King, took all his clothes off and asked for a KFC. He was shot several times and thrown in the River Taff.

On September 4 and 5, when the Nato Summit is being held, the area will be ‘locked down’ by the security services. A large security fence is being constructed around two city centre venues – Cardiff Castle and the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama. The council said the fence line is due to the “unique security requirements” which is mainly to stop drunken Valley girls trying to break the security ring to shag Obama and other foreign-looking World leaders.

Tracy Small from Porth said, “Nothing gonna stop me playing a tune on Obama’s flute. I’d even give up fags (for an hour) to bang him.”

A spokesperson for the council told us, “We encourage people to use their very own helicopters or their motorized jet packs. Or if they are poor, just avoid the travel woes by not going to work. Stay in and watch Loose Women on TV instead. It’s that’s easy. We have all got the days off with pay.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Proposed Batch Of 50p Shops Set To Hit The Valleys

50p store

Fear for jobs and dull people everywhere in the Valleys!

WalesonCraic have discovered that a batch of 50 pence shops are being ear-marked for opening in the valleys in the coming year. The shops simply called, ‘Never Mind the Poundshops…here are the 50p Shops’ have already spread fear among the community concerning massive jobs cuts for the staff of the thousands of Poundshops that litter every high street in our Valley towns.

A spokesman for the Poundshop of Wales Society told us:

“It’s bad news for everyone, I can see at least a million job cuts…these cheap bastards will ruin it…I can honestly see the day of the 10 pence shop…mark my words…then where the hell will we be? We may as well all move to bloody DERI.”

For no apparent reason we decided to ask a weird bloke from Aberdare to comment. Through a mouth of green decaying teeth, he muttered:

“50 pence shops will be great. I shop for everything in the Poundshop but now I will be able to buy ummm, ummmm, three times more when the 50p shops come.”

WalesonCraic commented that we should have said a very dull as well as weird bloke from Aberdare.

WalesonCraic Poll:-

Should we have 50 pence shops in our towns?

If Yes txt ‘Yes’ to Walesoncraic.

If No, txt:- ‘Fack off mate there’s only a certain amount of shit products that money can buy.’

We will keep you posted. But probably not as we’ve got better things to be doing with our time.