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Alex Salmond ‘Crapping His Kecks’ After Realising He Might Have To Actually Run Scotland

  • Scotland’s First Minister On Brink of History

  • 120% of Welsh People Couldn’t Give a Shit

  • Results Known After Referendum

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond is reportedly ‘crapping his kecks’ after realising that he might have to actually run Scotland himself in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote.

Salmond, who has dedicated his life on getting an independent Scotland, is on the brink of history as the Scottish public decide today whether to go it alone. But a close friend and ally, Jim McJimbobMcRae, told WalesOnCraic:

“The lad’s shitting himself. He’s suddenly confronted with the fact that he’s moving out of ‘home’ and that he’ll have to start being accountable for his own finances. He hasn’t slept for weeks.”

But another friend told WalesOnCraic:

“He knows what he’s doing. He’s a sensible man.”

It comes as a new poll suggests that 120% of Welsh people don’t give two tosses about who wins the referendum. One member of the public told WalesOnCraic:

“Surely if they go, then that’s more money for us from Westminster? Lovely. I’ll have a bit of that. Thanks butt.”

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Desperate Cameron Now Offers Full Independence to Scots ‘No’ Voters

The three main leaders of the three main Westminster parties have offered Scotland full and unfettered independence from the UK if they vote ‘No’ in a desperate attempt to stop people voting ‘Yes’ in the forthcoming referendum.

David Cameron, that dopey Miliband bloke, plus the other one, have all signed a document that will give Scotland full independence – on the condition that they vote ‘No’.

Cameron told WalesOnCraic:

“It seems that the Scottish people have already decided to break away from the United Kingdom. But the last thing we want is people actually saying ‘Yes’ to Emperor Salmond at this referendum so we thought we’d offer independence anyway as part of a ‘No’ vote, just to piss him off.”

A spokeswoman for the Scottish nationalists told WalesOnCraic:

“Och aye the nicky noo.” among other stereotypical outbursts before she went to order a battered Mars bar and do a Highland jig.

Voters go to the polls on Thursday to decide the fate of the Scottish nation.

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Calls For Barry Chuckle To Replace Ole Gunnar Solskjær as Cardiff Manager

Calls have been made to replace Cardiff City boss Ole Gunnar Solskjær with Barry Chuckle, following a miserable start to the season.

Fans were unhappy after City slumped to a 4-2 defeat at Norwich on the weekend, after they were leading 2-0 at half time.

Fan Derek ‘Blue’ Bird told WalesOnCraic:

“Ole Gunnar Solskjær must go and go now. I know he has lovely curly hair and that he looks like that one out of Lord of the Rings but we are a proud footballing city and it’s embarrassing. We demand that Barry Chuckle is installed as manager immediately – he’s got the knowledge and the nous to get us out of this mess.”

But Barry Chuckle’s manager told WalesOnCraic:

“Barry’s busy getting ready for this year’s panto and in any case, he’s not really a fan of football but thanks for the interest.”

But fans were adamant that the smaller Chuckle is their man:

“Forget Paul and his fluffy flattop – Barry’s our man. And if we lose again, we won’t mind because he can break out in a pratfall and make all the kids laugh.”

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Scottish Nationalists ‘To Ask Wales For a Few Thousand Sheep In Case Their Oil Industry Goes Tits Up’

The Scottish Nationalist Party are poised to ask Wales for ‘a few thousand sheep’ amid fears that their oil industry could go tits up after a ‘Yes’ vote in the forthcoming referendum.

The party, hoping to declare independence from the UK on Thursday are covering all eventualities in preparation for an independent Scotland.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“I went to Scouts when I was a kid, and apart from having my bare buttocks gently caressed by the Sixer, we were told to always be ready. As part of our strategy for long-term economic stability in Scotland, we are preparing in case our oil industry goes tits up. To do this, we are asking our Celtic cousins in Wales for a few thousand sheep. This will help us set up a global, multi-billion wool industry should we be invaded by Russia because we have no air force, army or navy.”

Welsh farmers reacted with anger at the announcement. One farmer told WalesOnCraic:

“They can piss off if they think they’re getting their hands on our sheep. They’ve been going around asking everyone what they can take but they’re not offering anything back. If they vote ‘yes’, good luck to them, but don’t come creeping round our valleys when it all goes wrong.”

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Welsh men to receive free ‘how-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons

Men in Wales are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes.

The Welsh Government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved ones. But sadly, when the missis takes her plate back to the kitchen when she’s finished, all hell breaks loose when she sees the state of the kitchen. It’s often the cause of long silences on the sofa for the rest of the evening. We at the Welsh Government are looking to nip this in the bud by teaching men how to wash up as they go along.”

The initiative forms part of the Government’s strategy to halt the decline of divorces in Wales. Figures show that messy kitchens accounted for 96% of divorces in Wales in 2013. One woman told WalesOnCraic:

“We really don’t know how these men manage it. They manage to use EVERY plate, EVERY saucepan and EVERY knife and fork, just to boil an egg! Whereas we women like to wash as we go along, and in some cases, clean the kitchen before we sit down and eat our meal, men show a distinct lack of cleanliness and order. We welcome these new classes so we can show them how it’s really done.”

Classes will be rolled out across Wales in October, to run alongside with the existing ‘Teaching Men How To Put Things Back Where They Belong’ classes.

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All Scottish People Should Be Deported From Wales In The Event of a Yes Vote: CLAIM

Calls have been made for the immediate deportation all Scottish people living in Wales in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote on Thursday.

The calls come from the group ‘We’re All In This Together’, who are campaigning for a ‘no’ vote.

Chairwoman Charlotte Lardarse told WalesOnCraic:

“If the Scottish want their own way, then fine. But they must realise that they will be treated in exactly the same way as any other immigrants to Wales. They can’t come over here taking all our jobs. For those who are already here – well they can piss of back to where they came from. They can go and get a job in the oil industry up there seeing as it’s so bloody lucrative.”

But critics have pointed out that it’d be impossible to deport everyone of Scottish descent from Wales. Gary McTartan told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been here for years, copulating with the Welsh women and spawning mini versions of ourselves. What are they proposing? That we separate families? The woman’s talking out of her arsehole.”

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Welsh superband ‘The Automatic’ set to release their Greatest Hit album

Welsh supergroup The Automatic are releasing their Greatest Hit album after missing out on big deal with Apple.

The band, dubbed ‘the Welsh U2’ decided to release their album after missing out on a multi-billion pound deal to automatically download their music to the new iPhone.

The band haven’t commented on the release (mainly because we haven’t asked them plus we’ve totally made this story up) but superbandsuperfan, Sally Lally, told WalesOnCraic:

“I loved The Automatic. I loved that song, what was it called now – Monster? That’s it. I liked that one. I used to dance to it down the disco.”

Apple [didn’t] tell WalesOnCraic:

“We liked what The Automatic offered us in terms of material but Bono has a lovely pair of sunglasses and we thought that this would fit with our target audience.”

The Automatic’s greatest hit album will be called ‘The Automatic’s Greatest Hit’ and will feature their greatest hit, ‘Monster’. It’s released on Monday and will be available to buy online for free.

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Mediocre Welsh Singer Set To ‘Slightly Impress’ On Tonight’s X Factor

A mediocre Welsh singer is set to ‘slightly impress’ the judges on tonight’s X Factor.

Tredegar-born, Dan Bigballs, completed his audition a few months back with his rendition of Big Spender, which will be shown tonight on live TV.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“My mum made me look the part – skinny jeans, spiky hair and a denim jacket and all that. I did what she told me to do too – I added lots of ‘woooah yeahs’ and stuff to my song. And then when they asked me what winning the X Factor would mean to me, I told that it would ‘mean the world to me’ and that ‘it’s make or break for me’.”

But the clinching factor for the judges was when Dan started crying and telling the story of how his family had been thrown out of his home by the council and that his mum’s foot had fallen off and that she couldn’t continue her job as trolley collector in Kwik Save because her new fibre glass foot keeps getting stuck in the grating in the car park and her foot keeps coming off and that his dad had died twice, fatally, after eating too many eggs.

“Yeah. Once I turned on the waterworks, they put me through.” said Dan. “I’ve got the film crew coming round next week to film my mum collecting trolleys at Kwik Save and they’re going to film her jamming her foot in the grating and it coming off. Wooooo yeah etc etc.”

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South Wales Woman Aiming To Become ONLY Woman in Wales To NOT Put Heating On Before The End of September

A South Wales woman is hoping to become the ONLY woman in Wales to NOT put her heating on before the end of September.

Alys Slenderthigh from Cardiff told WalesOnCraic:

“A lot of my friends are Facebooking me and telling me that they’re thinking about putting their heating on but they really are mental. I’m sticking things out till the month, even if that means that my pipes freeze and my tits fall off. With energy prices the way they are at the moment, I’m not even thinking of flicking that switch until the month is out.”

Alys, from the Heath area of Cardiff, held out until September 29th last year, but this year, she’s hoping to go one better.

“I’ve got friends in America who are lasting until the end of November. Of course, they do things so much better over there than we do here. But I’m determined to become the only woman in Wales who doesn’t put it on before the end of September.”

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HMRC Llanishen evacuated after worker lets off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart

The HMRC tax office in Llanishen was evacuated today after one of its workers let off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart.

A HMRC spokesman confirmed that the office had been fully evacuated after workers were left struggling to breathe. Police have arrested a 42 year old man for disruption of the peace.

The HMRC spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“At about 2:40 this afternoon, following complaints by workers that they were struggling to breathe, we initiated our evacuation policy. 2,000 members of staff were safely evacuated.”

One worker said:

“It was horrific. I’d only just come back from lunch and it hit me in the face like Satan’s breath. A green fog descended on the office. I couldn’t breathe and raised the alarm quickly.”

42 year-old Tony GrumbleGuts, who was later arrested was quickly identified as the culprit. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d been having bardy guts all day like. Bit of a twitch here and bit of a twitch here. I’d been in a rush a lunchtime and picked up a few Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles from Morrisons next door. But after I’d had a hot chocolate from the vending machine, it seemed to trigger a chain reaction in my guts. Next thing I know, I lay back in my chair, opened my legs and floated off an air biscuit. As soon as it left my arsehole, I knew I was in trouble. It practically strangled me.”

Witnesses describe hearing a low rumbling sound, like that of a passing lorry. Staff resumed work after the offices had been fumigated.