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Welsh parents plan wild naked parties to celebrate kids going back to school

Parents all over Wales are planning on holding wild naked house parties tonight to celebrate the fact that their kids are going back to school tomorrow.

Police forces throughout the country have been put on standby to deal with the carnage of deliriously happy parents.

“I CANNOT wait,” said Kim Grumblegrots from Treorchy, “My kid’s been a right little shit these last few weeks. I’ve been ticking the days off my Cliff Richard calendar one by one and the day is nearly here! Once I’ve dropped him off at the school gates, I’m going to take off all my clothes and run naked through the village to celebrate.”

Mother-of-four, Lorraine Turbo-Tits added:

“I’ve managed to get through the six weeks via a Class A drugs and heavy sedation. Once the kids have gone back, it’ll be like taking a dump after being constipated for six weeks. It’s been hell.”
But for some parents, the joy has been tempered by news that the kids’ first day back is an Inset Day.

“Those bloody teachers – they just have to cram one more lie-in in, don’t they? After all that time they’ve had off over the summer, swanning off to Mexico and that! They’ve got another week off coming up in about six or seven weeks! It’s a disgrace.”

But one teacher hit back, saying “Go fock yourself. I’ve got to look after your shit of a kid for 40 weeks of the year.”

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Controversial plans to flatten Welsh mountains adopted by Welsh nationalist group

Controversial plans to flatten all of Wales’s mountains is being considered by a Welsh Nationalist Group in a bid to appeal to voters.

The plan would mean that Wales becomes larger than England according to Blodwyn ap Blodwyn who runs The Welsh Nationalist Independent Friends of Wales Association.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re fed up to the back teeth of being dictated to by Westminster. So we had a little think while we were down the club last night and we’ve come up with a vote-winning policy. Flattening all Welsh mountains would mean that Wales would become 29% larger than England. That would render Westminster’s ability to dictate to us totally obsolete. It’d also create 4 new jobs as we’d need some lads to flatten them out with some shovels. It’s a sure-fire win-win situation for Wales.”

But critics were quick to slam the plans, calling them ‘focking stupid’ and ‘piss talk’. Charles Smythe-Peacock, who heads the English Crusade to Take Over Wales, told WalesOnCraic:

“The idea’s absurd. This is obviously designed to win the Welsh vote but there’s absolutely no thought behind the policy. Blodwyn ap Blodwyn should resign with immediate effect.”

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South Wales Pensioner Set To Star On BBC Show Tumble After Hip-Op Balls-Up

A pensioner from Hirwaun is set to appear on BBC’s flagship Saturday night TV show Tumble after a mix-up at her local hospital.

Gladys Leathercotch, 67, has been asked to appear on the gymnastics-based show after a mishap at the hospital left her with an amazing and unique talent.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I went in for a hip replacement operation last month but the silly buggers put my replacement hip in back-to-front. I can’t walk very well as I keep walking one step forward and then one back. But then I found that I could cock my leg up and kick myself in the back of the head. I did it once by accident when my grandkids came round – little Jordan was nicking my Jammie Dodgers and I took a big swing at him with my left foot, completely missed and kicked myself in the back of the head. Oh how we laughed.”

BBC bosses heard about Gladys’s extraordinary talent and the following day, she had a phone call, asking her to appear on the popular show.

“I saw the first episode and thought it was a big pile of shite to be honest. But now that they’re paying me £14 to be on there, I love it – it’s the best show on telly.

“I’ll be doing a little dance and then at the end, I’ll cock my leg up and kick myself in the back of the head. God really does move in mysterious ways and I can’t wait to go down the club on Sunday night so everyone can say how good I was.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Ice Bucket Challenge Shrank My Face: Claim

A Welsh schoolboy is coming to terms with a slightly smaller face that he used to have, after his Ice Bucket Challenge went horribly wrong.

Gary Pinkballs, from Merthyr Tydfil, found his face shrank by 70% following the crazy charity stunt which has taken the world by storm. He told WalesOnCraic:




“All my mates were doing it on Facebook and I thought I was missing out because no-one was nominating me so I nominated myself and set my camera up to do it. I put a bucket of water on my head but for some reason, my face shrank really small. I don’t think it looks too bad except when I laugh – then my face goes a small as a button.”

Doctors were baffled as to why Gary’s face would shrink but his local GP did offer his thoughts:

“Gary’s always been a bit of an arsehole and I think that he’s been such an arsehole lately, that his face has literally shrank into the size of an arsehole. The fact that he put some water on his head at the precise moment that his face went small as an arsehole was purely coincidental. If I was his father, I’d have disowned him by now.”

Gary now plans to travel the world showing off his miniature face.

“I think the Chinese people would like to see me. They like things like that, don’t they?” he said.



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Welsh Midweek Football Round-Up

 

TNT dynamite Sticks 6 v The Little Valley With A Tree That Looks Like An Arse 2
Attendance: 6 including a dead bloke whose last wish was to watch the game in the stand

Yogi Bear Rangers 0 v Sheepville United 7
Attendance: 12…no sorry 10…no sorry 6…we thought the sheep in the next field were fans

Leek Soup City Limits 1 v New-hair-Do and Matching Panties 8
Attendance: One man and a dog called Dollar who can lick his own balls (and in fact also licks his owners)

The New Saint Called Roger Moore 3 v Airbus Without Wings 4
Attendance: 3 until they left at half time to go and rob a post office

Connah’s Quay No-Knobs 31 v Old Cefn Druids and Rat’s Tails 0
Attendance: 10,000 (which includes a ant hill)

Port Tadpole 5 v Porth-As-Mad-As Fack-Dog 6
Attendance: 0 (and that was the highest crowd of the season)

Have-You-Got-A-Vest City v My Mother Looks Like My Father Town
GAME ABANDANDED AFTER THE REF WAS SHOT DEAD BY A PASSER-BY ON A HORSE

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Rhondda Woman Sells Eyes to Buy TV

A woman from Rhondda who sold her left eye to buy a plasma TV has been tragically blinded in her right eye just days after buying it.

Last night she told the WalesOnCaric:

“I wanted to buy a colour TV to watch Coronation Street. But as I tuned it in, I tripped on a banana skin and the remote got lodged in my right socket squashing my eyeball like a tomato. It’s very lucky I live in an area of the Rhondda where most people have three eyes and I’m one of them.”

The lady, who wishes to remain anonymous told WalesOnCraic she’s terrified now that her third eye might fail. Every day she looks at her empty sockets and is reminded of an ever-growing number of victims preyed on by eye traders who are selling the good eyes of the poor to the rich.

“I’m terrified.” she said. o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Newport Town Centre Evacuated After Zombie Scare

Newport Town centre was evacuated yesterday afternoon and put on a state of emergency after two American tourists raced (well, not raced, but waddled) to the town’s police centre, claiming they had seen real, living (or real, dead) zombies wandering around the town.

‘There were about 40 of them,’ Todd Backpack from Ohio informed WalesOnCraic. ‘They were really ugly looking creatures with dead eyes who were moaning and groaning and swearing a lot.’

The state of emergency was reduced to a ‘just a normal Friday afternoon in the town’ after police discovered the Americans had not actually seen zombies, but had simply stumbled on a gang of regulars from the Local Wetherspoons, standing outside the pub having a fag.

‘If I was a zombie,’ said Darren Girohead, the mayor of Newport Wetherspoons, ‘I would have definitely eaten them two….did you see the size of ‘em….like two dumper trucks in peacock shorts.’

The American tourists were last seen heading up to Pontypridd. God help them.o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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New Welsh Film Likely To Cause You To Soil Yourself

“If you were terrified by the Exorcist.
If you screamed at the Shining.
If you cowered in the corner at Hallowe’en…”

Then fear not. You will actually shit yourself if you dare see the new Welsh film coming soon to a theatre near you, according to Welsh film-maker Gwilym TwoPorches.

‘How Green Was My Bell-End? (After A One Night Stand in Rhigos)’ is due to hit cinemas in November and the Welsh director is keen to point out how scary the film will be to Welsh film-goers:

“I took my Mam to watch the first screening and she literally stopped breathing for 17 hours afterwards. She’s ok now though. I also took it down the club to watch it on VHS and Brian the Barman literally shat his stomach out there and then on the floor in front of us. It took us 20 minutes to get it all back in with a sweeping brush. He was ever so embarrassed that he gave us all a Babycham free on the house like.”

The local press have also praised the film after seeing the preview screenings. Cardiff Evening Standard said that it was  ‘The best film ever made in Rhigos – we gave it a thick 6 and a half inches out of seven’. The Deri Star announced that ‘We haven’t got electricity yet….so we haven’t seen it…but me brother’s mate’s uncle’s cousin from the red house by the Post Office said it was good’ while the ‘Rhigos on Sunday’ said ‘F-ckin’ cheek…..it wasn’t green…just a little limey.’

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Beginner’s Guide to Rugby Positions

Rugby is a complicated game. In a recent study, over 90% of professional players said that they did not understand most of the rules. Worringly, an alarming 96% of referees said the same. Rugby Positions

WalesOnCraic explains what they should be doing in theory.

The Props (No’s 1 or 3)
There are two props in every team, the tight-head and the loose-head. In theory, this relates to which side of the hooker and they ‘prop’ him up at the scrum. That’s all they have to do in the game and the position requires no running or jumping or anything else.

Hooker (No 2)
The hooker is the poor blighter who gets stuck right in the middle of a scrum. He’s also supposed to throw the ball into the lineout, but due to constant neck compression in the scrum affecting their hand/eye co-ordination, most hookers couldn’t hit a barn door from two feet away.

Second Row (No 4 & 5)
Sometimes called locks, these guys jump up for the ball in the lineout. Typically, they are over 6’10 and you can spot them thanks to the bandages they tape around their ears. This is to prevent their ears from being ripped off when the leave the scrum too quick to accidentally knock the ball on.

Back Row (No’s 6 & 7)
Often called the ‘dogs’ of the pack. Presumably because they smell of Pedigree Chum after an 80 minute game.

No.8 (No. 8)
The No. 8 is there to secure the scrum and to run at people, hopefully trampling all over their opponents and leaving studmarks on lots of faces.

Scrum Half (No 9)
The scrum half is the link between the pack and the backs. As such, he is the player most likely to get late tackled. He has to put the ball into the scrum in such a way that the first person to touch the ball is the second row in his team. He then takes it out of the scrum where he expects it to (unlikely).

The Fly-Half (No 10)
The fly-half is generally the person who gets abuse from the crowd for kicking the ball around too much. They also like to try and bluff their way past defenders. However this usually results in a horrific tackle and shouts of “Why didn’t you kick it?”

Wings (No’s 11 & 14)
These speedsters are rarely used in a game and often get bored and come infield, leaving the forwards to cover their position. Can cover role of spectator or linesman.

Centres (No’s 12 & 13)
There are two centre positions – inside and outside centre. The inside centre’s job is to shout to the No 10, “If you’d have passed that then, I’d have been in” and the outside centre’s job is to shout the same thing to the inside centre. Inside centres like to play ‘crash ball’ where he runs heads first into an opponent. This can go one of two ways – a spectacular breakthrough or a visit to the local hospital.

Full back (No 15)
Full-backs often look a lonely sight. It is their responsibility to be the last person to miss the tackle before the opposing side score. Often put under a ‘high ball’, the full back is often gets ‘swivel eye syndrome’ where they keep one eye on the ball and the other on the opposing team closing in on them. Like to shout ‘Mark’ a lot, presumably a friend of theirs.

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Ancient Egyptian mummy ‘discovered’ beneath chocolate aisle of Kwik Save

An ancient Egyptian mummy that was supposedly discovered beneath the chocolate aisle of Kwik Save in Rhyl has turned out to be a hoax.

The ‘mummy’ was discovered by shelf-stacker Tony Undergut who took his story to the local papers last week. The ‘mummy’ had been smothered in chocolate and nuts. The Kwik Save employee claimed it was the burial place of Pharaoh Roche.




But Undergut admitted that he’d made the whole thing up when challenged by his manager, Ryan Cleanwhistle. He told WalesOnCraic:

“Tony has been with us a for a few years now and he’s always been trying to make us laugh one way or another. Sadly, this Pharoah Roche ‘joke’ went down like a lead fart, especially after we took up Aisle 7 with a mini digger. We’ve suspended Tony pending further investigations and if the little shit tries to pull any more stunts like that, I’m sacking him on the spot.”

Tony’s mother, Toni, told WalesOnCraic:

“Tony’s a lonely lad. He was only trying to lift the morale of the staff there but clearly he took things too far this time. And yes, the Pharoah Roche joke was a bit crap, even by his standards.”