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Refuse lorries ‘swore and threatened pedestrians’ while reversing

A Welsh council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians.

Five lorries belonging to the Wrexham County District Council told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs.” when put into reverse gear.

Council spokesman, Darren Greysuit told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve had reports that several of our refuse collection lorries have been swearing at shoppers. We are investigating the matter but I’m convinced it was a former employee of ours, Craig Tightnuts, who is behind this. He got sacked last week for photocopying his arse and we know he’s the guy who looks after the reverse alarms on our lorries. If I find him, I’ll be breaking HIS legs.”

Shoppers were alarmed at the reverse alarms. Doreen Trolleybird told WalesOnCraic:

“Normally them things are pretty polite and ask me nicely to move out the way. This was way over the top. I was left emotionally scarred.”

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Essex family spend day in Pencoed thinking it was Pensycnor Wildlife Park

A family from Essex have spent the day in Pencoed, thinking it was Penscynor Wildlife Park, which closed in 1998.

Thicko chav dad Charlie Smithy and his family of five thought they were spending the day at the former Welsh safari park, which at its peak, brought 200,000 yearly visitors through its doors.

Smithy told WalesOnCraic:

“We used to go there as kids. I knew it was off the M4 somewhere and that it began with the word ‘Pen’. So we pulled off at this place when we saw some wildlife. We went to see the Monument, the shopping centre and the local Pencoed Miners’ Welfare Hall. After lunch, we headed to Earlswood Parc to see the new Westbury homes built there.

“We were lucky enough to pass the Bocam Business Park too but there was a distinct lack of parrots and there weren’t as many chimps as I remember. It was only when we got home that I realised that we hadn’t gone to Penscynor Wildlife Park at all. We’d been to Pencoed. Oh how we laughed.”

Charlie’s wife Sharon, told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s thick as shit that man but I love him. He’s my very own Clark Griswald.”

The family intend to visit Maesteg next year to see the local smash-and-grab gangs in action.

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Cardiff Cat Writes Award-Winning Welsh-Language Poem – By Walking Up and Down Owner’s Keyboard

A Cardiff cat has written an award-winning Welsh language poem by walking across its owner’s computer keyboard.

6 month old Tiddles, from Splott, wrote his poem ‘Gfwecfricn’ while owner Barbara Malley was attempting to finish some college work. His unusual style caught the attention of a Welsh language poetry competition and was duly awarded the winner.

Owner Barbara told WalesOnCraic:

“I was trying to finish off an essay when this silly twat came looking for attention and started walking up and down my keyboard. What he came up with, I entered into a competition for a laugh – and the silly bugger went and won it!”

Competition judges told WalesOnCraic:

“His work emphasised his depth of illusion, at once intertwined with fate and circumstance; a pastiche of the post-modern world, marked by a conscious desire to bring together the intellectual, the aesthetic, and the emotional in a way that both honours the past and acknowledges the present.”

What Do You Think? Here’s His Poem In Full

Gfwecfricn

Rfnjgnawfnnfcfeih fghd fbgf d fkgnfwa asksfl
Hjdjdbarf thfgjg gfhfanasfnsd fnajassadf;awflasanfan
Mgjgw weofjanfladdfnf gfjjawa fhwahwo32;pwqad
Rnfna sawodcwq2ppsp’hypkhvb

Bfkwdkd ktghtuit5 hfhdvb dsnf,mvflk
Lghdk kerv dkrng Whiskas and Kitekat gfkreikekiwma
Qfgsjgn fkg fkdoe gkrorjf fg
Ifvfn fhndjaqols fwnaf cnfgng

Wffnwnscksn fhwshakcfa askfg
Hsdfcn sjada ahfekle
Ufnbfaksfewufasnf
Jnansifad dhf asjdf ajielfilaasdh

Tiddles

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Welsh Telecom Giant To Launch daiPhone 6

Wales telephone giant Nokio are set to launch their new phone, the daiPhone 6, at a glittering presentation at Pontypridd Market tomorrow.

The daiPhone 6 boasts new features such as buttons and includes an extending aerial to pick up the Owen Money Show on Radio Wales on Saturday mornings.

Nokio boss Glynmor Square-eyes, told WalesOnCraic:

“We are delighted to be announcing the arrival of the daiPhone 6. We’re very excited at having actual buttons on this one as the other ones didn’t and they were shit. We’ve also managed to shrink this new phone so it should now be able to slip into your large handbag or small suitcase no problem.”

The daiPhone 6 is the latest in a range of phone that include the daiPhone 1, the daiPhone 2, the daiPhone 3, the daiPhone 4 and the daiPhone 5. All phones come with a lovely plastic bag to carry it home in.

“We’ll be down Ponty Market very early and we’re hoping that we’re all sold out by 11 so that we can go home and watch Loose Women.”

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Neath Mother-of-Six Takes Frozen Christmas Turkey Out to Defrost

A mother-of-six from Neath has taken out her frozen Christmas turkey to allow it to defrost.

Full-time mum Glenda Slackflaps has taken the Bernard Matthews Golden Norfolk from the chest freezer in her garage, and has placed it on a plate at room temperature in her kitchen.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“We had big problems last year when I only took it out to defrost on the 1st December. We had it in the bath, under my sunbed and even under my hairdryer. We’re ready for it this year.”

The Slackflaps family had to endure eating turkey drumsticks that mum Glenda had as an emergency supply in her freezer.

“It was awful.” said eldest daughter Tonya. “It was like eating turkey drumsticks for Christmas dinner.”

Glenda still plans to take her frozen sprouts out of the freezer at the annual family ‘Getting-The-Sprouts-Out-The-Freezer’ get-together on December 15th.

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Welsh Police Given Powers To ‘Beat Holy Shit’ Out of Drivers Who Use Mobile Phones

Welsh police are to be given powers to ‘beat the holy shit’ out of drivers who are caught using their mobile phones.

The announcement comes as the run-up to Christmas traditionally sees more people using their phones while driving to find out who has won X Factor.

Chief of Police (Mobile Phone Division) PC Plod told WalesOnCraic:

“People who use their mobile phones while driving are complete arseholes. We look forward to using our new powers to beat the shit out of anyone caught, or even thinking of, using a mobile phone while driving.”

But critics have pointed out that the new powers may be abused.

Darren Dickhead told WalesOnCraic:

“I always use my phone while I’m driving my BMW. I’ve never crashed the car although I have knocked a few people over but that was their fault for walking on the pavement. I’m just worried that the police will abuse these powers and beat the shit out of me for trafficking my drugs.”

The new powers will be implemented from December.

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Superted Denies Reports He’s Appearing On ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’

Former Welsh superhero Superted has denied reports that he will be featuring in this year’s ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ TV show.

The dashing young bear was recently reported to be making his way to Australia, but he has since told reporters that he was just going there on holiday.

He told WalesOnCraic (in a high-pitched, slightly camp voice):

“I don’t know what they were thinking but no, I won’t be appearing on the TV show. I’m a big fan of Ant and Dec but I’d rather be at home or up in my Space Station. They may have asked Spotty Man or Texas Pete but as far as I’m concerned, I won’t be appearing.”

Rumours about Superted’s appearance on the show surfaced after he was boarding a plane to Sydney. He told the press that he was jetting there for a break before heading to Los Angeles to sort out a new TV series.

“The last thing I’d want to do is eat crocodile testicles or sheep anus. I have it bad enough on these long-haul flights as it is.” he said.

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The Christmas Corona pop lorry is heading to Wales!

If the sight of the sparkly Coco-Cola lorry and the sound of the ‘Holidays are Coming’ song gives you a proper throb-on, then you’ll go nuts to hear that the Corona Pop Lorry will be doing the rounds in Wales this year too.

Calling in at 30 venues across Wales, the lorry will get you in the festive spirit by offering bottles of American Soda, Dandelion and Burdock, Cherryade and Limeade, as well as their usual offerings of lemonade and stuff.

Driver Gerald Tuppence told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m so happy to be driving this lorry around Wales. I’d much rather do this than my normal job which is a butcher. I’m fed up of chopping up dead animals. Hopefully it will put some smiles on Welsh faces.”

But critics have pointed out that Corona pop is no longer made and that it’s all part of a crap website trying to get laughs. Gemma DourGrits told WalesOnCraic:

“You’re obviously just out to get Facebook likes and shares. There is absolutely no truth in this story whatsoever.”

The Corona Pop lorry will be visiting Wales in December, except it won’t really. It’d be nice if it did though. If you take your old bottles along, they’ll give you a penny for each one. Except they won’t.

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Prestatyn man mistakes WWII grenade for plum – blows teeth out

A Prestatyn man has mistaken a WWII grenade for a plum and blown his front teeth out.

Billy Quick, from Gronant, bit into the weakened grenade after finding it in his garden.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve got a lovely apple tree at the bottom of my garden so I was very surprised to find a plum lying there among the apples. I was even more surprised when I tried to bite into it and it went off in my mouth. Funny thing is, I had an appointment the next day at the dentist to take out a few dodgy teeth but now I don’t have to. God works in mysterious ways. Praise Ye The Lord.”

Neighbour Peter Tightkegs described the scene:

“I was watching him potter about in his garden because I’m a pervert. The next thing you know, he’s bent down to pick something up, takes a bite and there was this big green flash. When the smoke cleared, there was Billy. He was ok – just had no teeth left. We found some of them on his shed roof.”

North Wales Police have advised anyone attempting to eat a plum that has grown from an apple tree.

PC Plod warned:

“This man was very lucky that this was a weakened WWII grenade. If it had been a SCUD or a Trident missile he’d tried biting into, we’d have a very different outcome on our hands.”

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Cardiff shoppers left speechless by woman ‘ready to pay at supermarket checkout’

A female Cardiff woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout.

Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at Kwik Save in Rhiwbina. Usual women’s supermarket etiquette demands that a woman must first SLOWLY pack her items into plastic bags in an organised manner, and then SLOWLY dig her purse out from her Tardis handbag while other shoppers wait in line.

Witness Colin Greenteeth told WalesOnCraic:

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was ready to wait impatiently for ten minutes, cussing and sighing while she searched each pocket for her purse. But this woman was there holding out her tenner before the checkout girl could say ‘that’s £6.37 please love’. I had to ask the fella next to me to pinch me to prove that I wasn’t dreaming.”

CCTV footage showed that the woman was getting her money out from a pocket WHILE THE CHECKOUT GIRL WAS SCANNING THE ITEMS. Kwik Save manager Debbie Twoshoes told WalesOnCraic:

“I was ashamed to see it with my own eyes. She won’t be shopping here again.”

Were you the mystery woman? If so, please get in touch. We’d like to buy you a pint.