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Pontypridd Pensioner Launches New Range of ‘Plumsies’

A Pontypridd pensioner has launched a new range of Plumsies to keep men’s bollocks warm in the cold weather.

Ethel Leathercrotch, 89, thought up the idea while sat on a bus stop with a male friend.

She told WalesonCraic:

“Me and Jim were off to bingo the other day when he turned to me and told me that he was freezing his bollocks off. I asked him what kind of underwear he had on and he told me that he had thin nylon kegs. I thought about his bollocks for a while and then the idea of a onesie for his meat and two veg came into my head. When I got home, I knat (past tense of knitted) him my first ever Plumsie. All the girls down the bingo wanted one for their fellas. And it took off from there. Next month, I open my first factory, which will employ 3,000 people in the Pontypridd area. I’m hoping to get noticed at the Pride of Britain Awards this year because the miserable bastards overlooked me last year.”

Ethel will be opening shops in London, Paris, New York and Treforest and hopes that her new brand will go global.

“My aim in life is that no more bollocks go cold. I want all lads to have happy, warm bollocks all the time.”

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Revolucion de Cardiff set to open in Cuba

A new bar is set to open in Cuba, named after the Welsh capital Cardiff.

Revolucion de Cardiff is set to open next month in the Cuban capital Havana, with Clark’s Pies, Brains SA and larverbread all on the menu. There will even be a specials board dedicated to the delights of Cardiff’s world-famous Chippy Lane – with sausage in batter and chips with curry sauce and gravy taking pride of place.

Manager Juan Direction told WalesOnCraic:

“No puedo esperar para abrir este nuevo bar. Va a ser grande. Apuesto a que no entiende lo que estoy diciendo ¿Verdad? Yo podría decir lo que quisiera y nunca se sabe . Tetas . Culo . Pene  ¿Ves? Hilarante .”

The club will open on Valentine’s Day. Teenage girls will totter about the place, vomiting on people and falling over to add to the Welsh atmosphere. Several police riot vans are also being shipped over to add to the authenticity.



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North Wales Feminist Dinner Party Erupts Into Violence After Everyone Refuses to Do Dishes Afterwards

A dinner party hosted by the North Wales Feminist Association erupted into violence last night after members refused to wash the dishes afterwards.

Police were called to the address in Tywyn after they received calls from worried neighbours. Three women were arrested and charged with anything police could find at the station.

One party-goer, who didn’t want to be named told WalesOnCraic:

“It was all going so well. We were sat there talking about how shit men and are what the best way to burn your bra is, when all of a sudden, there was an almighty kick-off coming from the kitchen. I went to see what was going on and there were there women fighting. Washing-up sponges were flying all over the place and at one point, a tea towel was used as a whip to smack this woman in the face. The kitchen was full of dirty plates – it was stinking in there. Not that I’d want to go washing them myself.”

Party-goers were dispersed by police and told to go home and do some knitting. The North Wales Feminist Association is planning another dinner party in March, where the topics of discussion are make-up, horses and flowers.

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Treorchy Treacle Mine Opens to the Public For the First Time

One of the world’s best kept secrets – the oldest treacle mine still in existence – will be opening its doors to the public in the heart of the South Wales Valleys for the first time today.

Treorchy Treacle mine opened in 1921 after coal miners found a deep seam of treacle within the mountains. It was decided at the time not to publicly disclose any information while they mined the treacle and sent samples off for testing.

When the samples came back as high quality treacle, a meeting was formed with local council members and they decided that if it was to be known that there was a treacle mine in Treorchy children might try to enter the mine to steal the treacle. They therefore decided to keep the mine a secret. And that is the way it has been up until recently. The secret has been passed down through the generations of treacle miners.

But the amount of treacle in the mine has been getting less and less over the years and the cost of treacle has plummeted. It was decided that it was time to tell the world about the mine and open it up to the public. They are hoping it will become an attraction for families and school outings.

One of the miners told WalesonCraic:

“It’s going to be a sort of cross between Dan Yr Ogof caves and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We’ll give everyone a teaspoon before they enter and they can scrape treacle off the walls – there’s nothing like fresh treacle.”

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Facebook Copyright/Privacy Statuses Are a Load Of Bollocks: CLAIM

People updating their Facebook statuses with copyright and privacy statements are total dickheads, according to a Welsh IT expert.

Dennis SquareEyes, who runs his own computer shop, said that cutting and pasting a so-called privacy statement is a load of bollocks.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s a load of shit. You own your content, not Facebook. And if you don’t believe me, you should because I’m very very clever. The twat who originally posted it is probably laughing his arse off.”

The status, which usually starts with something to the effect of ‘In response to the new Facebook guidelines, I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, graphics, comics, paintings, photos, and videos, etc…’ has been doing the rounds.

Dennis offers his advice if anyone sees any of their friends posting it.

“Post this story to their wall and make them see how much of a dickhead they look. Arseholes.”

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“My living room looks dull as shit”: South Wales woman comes to terms with taking her Christmas trimmings down

A South Wales woman has been admitted to rehab following her decision to take down her Christmas decorations.

Dilys Sinkwater took down her trees and other trimmings yesterday afternoon while watching Songs of Praise. But her de-Christmasisation has left her with feelings of emptiness and sadness. She has since taken lots of pills to make herself feel better.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“My living room looks dull as shit. I’m really missing the twinkling lights and my big fuck-off reindeer. Things really aren’t the same. I tried phoning the Samaritans but they told me to piss off and get a life.”

Dilys eventually called an ambulance who also told her to piss off. Eventually, Dilys phoned a local rehab centre and has spent several hours talking to the cleaner about her woes.

She added:

“I’m not sure I can wait another 11 months before I can put them all up again. This is sheer hell.”

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Neath Man Arrested After Caravan/Wind Farm Drugs Haul

Police have arrested a 27 year old man from Neath after discovering a caravan full of cannabis whose production was powered by the local wind farm.

Royston Williams from Skewen had set up his caravan in a field close to a number of wind farms near Banwen. He then buried a copper cable underground to siphon off the power coming from a wind turbine. Connecting it up to his caravan, there was enough power to grow 6 cannabis plants with an estimated street value of £4,000.

Police were first alerted to the scam after a member of public smelt a strange whiff coming from the woods and went to investigate with his dog.

Peter Davies who discovered the haul told WalesOnCraic:

“I noticed the caravan and I thought it was security but there was a strange smell coming from it so me and the dog went up for a walk one day and I looked through the windows and noticed all the plants. I had a lovely time up there. I felt so happy but now I need some Monster Munch.”

A Police spokesperson said:

“Stealing electricity from a wind turbine is a new one to us, but growing cannabis is a lucrative business and with the soaring cost of electricity these people need to find new and inventive ways of stealing it. Fair doos. This lad was pretty clever. Wish I’d thought of it myself like.”

Mr. Williams will appear before magistrates on 13th February charged with producing a controlled drug, dishonestly abstracting a quantity of electricity from a wind turbine, criminal damage and for being a clever swine.

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98% of Welsh Workers Considering Pulling a Sickie on Monday

98% of all Welsh workers are considering pulling a sickie on Monday, according to a recent survey.

With the Christmas holidays nearing its end, and a nation facing the prospect of early mornings, traffic congestion and arsehole bosses, the Welsh workforce is tempted to add one more day to their festive holidays.

Office worker Gareth Sweatycleft, who took part in the survey, told WalesOnCraic:

“My boss is a total arsehole. The thought of having to get up, drive 30 miles down the M4, just to keep him happy makes me feel like throwing myself off the nearest bridge. I really can’t bear the though.”

Kevin Pinhead, who conducted the survey added:

“It seems that most of us don’t fancy the prospect of facing work on Monday. I wouldn’t be too surprised if bosses found themselves doing all the work themselves on Monday.”

 

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Bedlinog sees in 1987 in style

bedlinog

Rock band T’Pau helped Bedlinog see in 1987 with a wild concert in the car park of Bedlinog Community Primary School last night.

The small Welsh village, which has been stuck in 1987 since 1987 also celebrated with a few fireworks, lots of Welsh Bitter and several trips to hospital.

Local resident Barry SilverSleeves told WalesOnCraic:

“It was lush butt. I’ve only seen T’Pau on the telly like, but that Carol Decker’s even better in real life than she is on Top of the Pops. I’ve been sick a few times this morning but what better way of starting 2015?”

The local council also threw in a firework display, which saw no less than ten rockets being fired at the school. Local councillor Simon Sideways said:

“Yeah. We let off a few fireworks and that. They went bang and stuff, but that’s our budget blown for 2019.”

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Weak-Minded Husband Considers Putting Heating On

A weak-minded South Wales husband is considering putting his heating on after temperatures dropped to minus figures overnight.

Dennis Limpback, from Tredegar, spent the night shivering under his duvet, but insisted that he is only considering putting the heating on at this point.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“In terms of putting it on, it’s definitely getting there. I was freezing in bed and the dog’s nipples looked like Wotsits. I’ll give it another couple of days or so.”

Meanwhile, his long-suffering wife Bridget has left and migrated south to a friend in Portsmouth, whose house has its heating on.

“I can’t spend the new year freezing my arse off with that tight-arse. I’ll be divorcing him in the new year.”