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Weak-Minded Husband Considers Putting Heating On

A weak-minded South Wales husband is considering putting his heating on after temperatures dropped to minus figures overnight.

Dennis Limpback, from Tredegar, spent the night shivering under his duvet, but insisted that he is only considering putting the heating on at this point.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“In terms of putting it on, it’s definitely getting there. I was freezing in bed and the dog’s nipples looked like Wotsits. I’ll give it another couple of days or so.”

Meanwhile, his long-suffering wife Bridget has left and migrated south to a friend in Portsmouth, whose house has its heating on.

“I can’t spend the new year freezing my arse off with that tight-arse. I’ll be divorcing him in the new year.”

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Sad Twats Start Camping Out for January Sales

Sad twat shoppers have started camping out for the January Sales in parts of Wales.

The daft arseholes are hoping to get a few quid off shit that the stores couldn’t shift before Christmas.

One shopper told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve been camping out here since Christmas Eve. I haven’t eaten or drunk anything in that time. But I am hoping that when this store opens again in January, that I can a few bob off that new X Box game that I want.”

But store managers have pointed out that the shops have been open since Boxing Day.

“The daft twats think we’re back in 1985. Our shop has been open every day but the arseholes are so busy sleeping in their sleeping bags, that they haven’t noticed. I hope they freeze their tits off.”

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Max Boyce to Present New Singing Reality Show Called (Wait For It) ‘The Boyce’

Max Boyce is to present new BBC reality TV show called ‘The Boyce Wales’.

The BBC has announced that it has commissioned the new television series starring Welsh comedian, singer and entertainer Max Boyce. The format will be based on the current BBC hit show The Voice. Initially there will be only one coach, but they are hoping that Ruth Madoc might be interested as she only lives round the corner from Max.

The Boyce will be filmed in Glynneath Rugby club Max’s hometown, and will feature members of the public singing hymns, arias and poems while Max is blindfolded behind the bar. If he likes what he hears, he will pull a pint of beer for the singer and will then mentor them to sing in the Millennium Stadium at the Six Nations when Wales play England.

A spokesperson for BBC entertainment told WalesOnCraic:

“This is a real scoop for the BBC. Max is a Welsh legend and if it weren’t for Oggy, Oggy, Oggy there would be no Oi, Oi, Oi.”

The show is to air next year at 2.30am on BB4+1.

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‘Jesus Is a Fictional Character’ says Father Christmas

Jesus is a fictional character and the Christmas story is a load of hairy old bollocks, Father Christmas has exclusively told WalesOnCraic.

The jovial festive man has slammed the Christmas story, calling it ‘fictional’ and ‘potentially dangerous’.

Speaking to WalesOnCraic, the man in red said:

“These people go telling their kids all about this Jesus bloke. What happens when they grow up and they have to tell these kids that he ain’t real? If you’re in the Valleys, anything could happen. I think that people should get real, stop lying to their kids and tell them how it is.”

But critics have pointed out that Jesus was a real person and that He (capital ‘h’ there) once walked among us on earth.

Fr Ben Down told WalesOnCraic:

“Jesus was a real person. He still is a real person. He floated up into space 2,000 years ago on a big shiny cloud and he’s still with us all now. Somehow. But he is real. I promise. The kids love him.”

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Welsh Police Given New Powers To Beat Shit Out of Drivers Picking Their Nose

Police in Wales have been given new powers to beat the shit out of anyone that catch picking their nose while driving.

The new law, which comes under the Common Decency law, has been introduced to stop the rise of the gink picking that has seen a rise on Welsh roads.

Welsh government spokesman, Charlie Shinyshoes told WalesOnCraic:

“The amount of times I’ve been sat in traffic, only to see some dirty bastard going at it like a JCB. What do they do with their haul? That’s right – flick it out their window. Presuming it’s a non-sticky one. The amount of time they take their eyes off the road to admire their snot-goblin also has to be taken into consideration.”

Motoring organisations have broadly welcomed the move. Dennis Dingle of Roadwatch Wales said:

“It’s like as if they think that they are invisible. And the worst thing that could ever happen is that you make eye contact with someone who’s got their finger rammed right up inside their head. It’s traumatising. I’m glad to see this new law.”

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Chris Rea Takes Out Breakdown Cover for Christmas Journey

Veteran singer Chris Rea has joined the AA for Christmas after his Austin Allegro broke down last year.

The musician, famous for his songs about cars and things, regularly drives home for Christmas. Unfortunately, his cam belt snapped last year as he was heading down the M4.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“It all went tits up last year. I was stuck on the hard shoulder of the pigging M4 for six hours. I had no breakdown cover so I had to call the cops and they arranged for a pickup truck to pick me up. Cost me and a leg. Not having that shit this year.”

Chris, whose real name is Chris, now has Roadside, Recovery and Home Start package, which covers him at his home address.

“It’s great. They cover you, the person, so it doesn’t matter whose car you’re in, whether you’re driving or a passenger. I chose to have Home Start on my package in case it doesn’t start on my own drive. I also get 10% off at selected retail outlets, which is nice.”

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Santa threatens to boycott South Wales valleys this Christmas to ensure personal safety

Santa Claus has threatened to bypass the South Wales valleys this year unless drastic measures are taken to safeguard his personal safety.

He has declared The Gurnos, Penrhys, Peny Waun and Ebbw Vale have all been declared no-go areas after last year’s fiasco.

His missis, Mrs Christmas exclusively told WalesOnCraic:

“Thousands of children would be let down if the fat bastard doesn’t get there this year. But we can’t have a repeat of last year. He came home on Christmas morning with a broken nose, no wheels on his sleigh and a severe dose of the clap. I was facking furious. Not only did he have the greenest bell end in Lapland, he also came home stinking of booze. I also found a wrap of speed in his Santa Suit.”

Santa dismissed his wife’s claims, telling WalesOnCraic:

“Look lads. The last thing I remember is going down the chimney in the Gurnos Club. And let us just say the rest is history.”

Santa’s elves and reindeers have also threatened to boycott Christmas if they’re made to go back to the valleys. Last year a young girl from Bargoed kicked Rudolf in the bollocks and Santa’s chief Elf got kidnapped in Abercynon. He ended up starring in a Welsh porn movie called ‘Santas Little Eight-Inched Helper’. Other elves have demanded bullet-proof vests, baseball bats and pepper spray.

WalesOnCraic went onto the streets of the Valleys to ask the public what they thought of Santa Clause boycotting Christmas:

“I don’t facking blame him. I wouldn’t walk round here in the dark. And fack me, those boys who drink in the Griffin got redder noses than Rudolf.” Terry Shin (Rhydfelin)

“Santa hasn’t been round these parts since the kids set fire to his sleigh and by the way, I’d just like to tell all those slags from Cwmdare – It’s ‘I saw Mammy kissing Santa Clause’, not ‘I saw Mammy sucking Santa Clause’. Whores.” Dai Hump (Penywaun)

“I don’t believe in him anymore. The boys down the pub said he ain’t real. I always wondered why the ungrateful bastard never ate my mince pies.” Brian Brownfinger, (Tredegar)

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Welsh Men Spend 75 Years of Their Life Waiting For Their Woman to Get Ready to Go Out

Welsh men spend an average of 75 years of their life waiting for their woman to ‘get ready to go out’.

These are the shocking figures that have been revealed after recent survey into domestic habits.

Professor Biggins from the University of Wales, who organised the survey, told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s a well-established fact that women take longer than men to get ready when they are going out because they need a lot more work to make themselves presentable to the public. But this survey shows the true extent of the problem. We think that the problem is exacerbated by the fact that women keep giving their partners hope that ‘they’ll be ready in two minutes’. It gives the lads false hope and are almost always let down.”

One of the participants, who didn’t want to be named told WalesOnCraic:

“When we’re off out to Asda, I specifically ask my girlfriend if she’s ready so that I can get in the car ready. She says yes and then I end up sitting in the car for four hours while she does her face and getting the plastic bags that I’d forgotten to put in the car four hours earlier.”

The survey also showed that:

• Women are more likely to make love to their partner if he/she does the dishes as they go along if they are cooking a meal.
• Dirty kitchen tops are the cause of 100% arguments in Welsh households.
• Shoe racks in the hallway help reduce domestic stress by up to 37%.

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South Wales Man Succumbs to Wife’s Wishes and Turns Heating On

A South Wales man has succumbed to his wife’s wishes and turned his heating on.

Derek Tightarse had been wanting to hold out until the New Year to put it on. But wife Maggie, who has been nagging him to put it on since June, has finally had her wishes come true.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“This is the best day of my life! Christmas has come early for me. I’ve been on at him since Wimbledon was on to get the frigging thing on. Luckily, he’s been out all day working so he’s chilled to the bone.”

Derek said:

“I’m been freezing my hairy arse off all day out on site. Even though I thought I could hold out, I’ve had to hit that big red switch. I’ll get a right ribbing from the lads down the pub but I don’t care – I’m facking freezing.”

Derek has set his heating to full power in case he comes down with man flu.

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Rhyl Brothel To Add New Service for Sheep Lovers

A North Wales brothel is launching a new service to help meet demand from sheep lovers.

Hot Bums Leisure House in Rhyl will be staging naked dancing sheep, with private rooms for those who want a more intimate sheep experience.

It’s all the brainchild of Lancashire promoter Ian Shortarse. He told WalesOnCraic:

“Well it was obvious to us that when we opened a new venue in Rhyl, that we had to cater for the sheep lovers. That’s what you all do innit? Shag sheep? Ah man, I’m so funny.”

But the announcement has been met with criticism from some Welsh lads.

Terry Tightcheeks told WalesOnCraic:

“They can tart them up as much as they want but there’s no replacing doing it in a field when you know the farmer’s having his tea.”