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Cardiff shoppers left speechless by woman ‘ready to pay at supermarket checkout’

A female Cardiff woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout.

Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at Kwik Save in Rhiwbina. Usual women’s supermarket etiquette demands that a woman must first SLOWLY pack her items into plastic bags in an organised manner, and then SLOWLY dig her purse out from her Tardis handbag while other shoppers wait in line.

Witness Colin Greenteeth told WalesOnCraic:

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was ready to wait impatiently for ten minutes, cussing and sighing while she searched each pocket for her purse. But this woman was there holding out her tenner before the checkout girl could say ‘that’s £6.37 please love’. I had to ask the fella next to me to pinch me to prove that I wasn’t dreaming.”

CCTV footage showed that the woman was getting her money out from a pocket WHILE THE CHECKOUT GIRL WAS SCANNING THE ITEMS. Kwik Save manager Debbie Twoshoes told WalesOnCraic:

“I was ashamed to see it with my own eyes. She won’t be shopping here again.”

Were you the mystery woman? If so, please get in touch. We’d like to buy you a pint.

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Wrexham ‘Wolverine’ slices off own penis after attempting to scratch arse

A Wrexham Halloween party-goer has chopped off his penis after attempting to scratch his own arse.

Brian DoubleGunt, from Coed-y-Glyn, was attending a house party dressed up as the Marvel Comics superhero Wolverine, portrayed on screen by actor Hugh Jackman. Brian had sellotaped knives to a pair of Marigolds to recreate Wolverine’s famous retractable claws.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve been suffering with worms these last few days. They’ve been driving me crazy. I had some Ovex before I came out but as I was dancing to Thriller in Brenda’s living room, I totally forgot about my retractable claws. As soon as my arse started twitching, I did what any normal human would do and that was to put my hands down my pants to scratch it. Sadly, I forgot that I had a penis and I sliced it right off.”

Other party-goers rushed to Brian’s aid. One party-goer, dressed as Jimmy Savile, told WalesOnCraic:

“Luckily, we’d just come back from Kwik Save with some frozen sprouts so we phoned for an ambulance and put his willy in with the sprouts. They said that they’d try and sew his willy back on which is good news.”

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Welsh language activists call for Welsh-sounding firework explosions

Welsh language activists are calling for all fireworks set off in Wales to make a Welsh-sounding noise instead of the common English-sounding ‘boom’ noise.

Activists from across the country have set up an online petition in a bid to force firework manufacturers to create Welsh-sounding noises such as ‘ffwt’ and ‘bwtch’.

Blodwyn ap Blodwyn, Chairman of the Welsh Speakers’ Speaking Group, told WalesOnCraic:

“Boom is such an Anglo-Saxon word. Every time a firework goes off, it reminds us that our nation is being suppressed by the ruling, and very English, power elite. It’s an insult to our great nation and we want to see it all changed.”

But critics have pointed out that Blodwyn ap Blodwyn is just talking out of his bwtch..

Tina Grimflaps said:

“He’s talking out of his backside that man. The man should look up the meaning of the word onomatopoeia. Actually, no. Probably best if he just shuts the fep up.”

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Riots Break Out in Welsh Kwik Save Store as Halloween Pumpkins Sell Out

Large scale riots have broken out in a west Wales Kwik Save store after customers fought to purchase the last Halloween pumpkin in the store.

Police were called to the shop after customers found out that there was only one pumpkin left.

Shopper Glenys Droopyguts told WalesOnCraic:

“It was awful. It all kicked off after one woman twatted the man who was carrying the last pumpkin in the queue. The girl behind the counter tried to calm things down by twatting them with a sweeping brush but all hell broke loose.”

Another shopper, who suffered a torn plastic bag added:

“The shit really hit the fan when the fuzz arrived. They waded in with tear gas and water cannons and then the lads from the local darts team popped round to give their two pennies’ worth. It was great. I loves Halloween.”

£42 worth of damage was made to the store.

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Walking Dead film crew mistake Aberdare for film set

A film crew for hit TV show Walking Dead have mistaken a South Wales town as a set for their next filming shoot.

Two cameramen and a sound engineer turned up on Aberdare’s High Street and were convinced that zombie actors had already started the action without them.

Cameraman Dan BigEye told WalesOnCraic:

“We was driving along in our car, looking for a place to park when Steve, our other cameraman pointed out that there were lots of people walking around looking half-dead. I told him that they were probably doing a rehearsal or something so we parked up sharpish and jumped out, ready to start filming.

“It was only when we saw that these ‘zombies’ were in fact, drinking pints outside Wetherspoons, that we realised that we were in fact, in the wrong place altogether.”

The trio of TV techies eventually found the set where they were supposed to be filming – but not before trying out a Wetherspoons breakfast.

“I had a huge brekkie for just under a fiver. And it was only 89p for a refill. I’m going back there in the morning.” said BigEye.

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Extra Hour In Bed Wasted Thanks to ‘Ignorant Kids and Stupid Pets’

Parents and pet owners across Wales are missing out on the extra hour gained by putting the clocks back thanks to ‘ignorant children and stupid pets’ according to a new survey.

The survey has also shown that 98% of parents are unable to explain the yearly time-bending exercise effectively to their children, leaving thier children waking up a whole hour before they normally wake on a Sunday morning.

One parent told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve told them to go back to bed but they’re having none of it. I could cry. I’ve been looking forward to this extra hour for weeks.”

A pet-owner from Carmarthen told WalesOnCraic:

“I facking hate my dog. Having something sitting on my face at 6.30am is not my idea of fun – not unless it’s Carla from Coronation Street.”

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Welsh badgers demand human cull to stop spread of ebola

Welsh badgers are demanding a cull on humans to halt the spread of ebola.

And the badgers, concerned about the impact that the deadly disease would have on their tourism revenue, have asked Queen guitarist Brian May to help them in their quest.

One badger told WalesOnCraic:
“Ebola is a devastating disease and tackling it is complex, so … we need to make sure we get it right. We will be announcing a comprehensive and balanced ebola programme for Wales as soon as possible and that includes shooting every human we see. Apart from Brian May who’s lovely.”

But critics have hit out at the badgers’ demands, saying that it’s all a load of bollocks.

“It’s all a load of bollocks.” said one man who didn’t want to be named.

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Woman Jailed After Performing ‘DIY Colonic Irrigations with Mr Muscle Sink Unblocker and Plunger’

A West Wales woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days.

Wendy Shitehouse from Llandeilo, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a tenner and a bottle of Babycham’.

Sentencing Shitehouse, Judge Crustynob said:

“You clearly knew what you were doing when you advertised your services in the local Post Office. You forced these people to drink Mr Muscle liquid sink unblocker agasinst their will. Thanks to you, some of your customers are now suffering from chronic ring sting. You are an evil, wicked woman.”

But friends of Shitehouse were dismayed at the verdict. Mandy Wondergunt said:

“She used to offer colonic for just a fiver but since the jet washer broke the hose pipe, she’s had to think up new ways to offer her customers a service. I think she’s a local hero. This government should be ashamed of itself.”

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Gareth Bale ‘To Be Cloned 22 Times’ To Produce a Good Welsh Football Team

The Football Association of Wales is set to clone wonderboy Gareth Bale in an attempt to put out a team that can win the World Cup.

A total of 22 Gareth Bales will be produced in a laboratory in Hirwaun in preparation for the World Cup Qualifiers next year.

Head of the FAW, Terry Roundhead, told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re currently lying 29th in the FIFA rankings and we’d like to see ourselves in the number one spot by the end of the month. To that end, we are going to be cloning Gareth Bale so that we can create a team of Gareths and also a good number of substitute Gareths. We also need some Gareths to speak to the media and one to visit local schools. We also need one to appear in TV adverts. The only exception that we have is at goalkeeper because he’s shit in goal so we’re cloning Neville Southall three times – one for the team, one as a substitute and one just for a laugh.”

This is the first time it will have been used in the UK.

But critics have pointed out that it’s not fair on the other Welsh players. Fan Gordon Mainwairing, who didn’t want to be named, told WalesOnCraic:

“What about Aaron Ramsey? He’s not bad. Ok, so the others are shit but poor old Arron.”

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Giant Tits Sprayed Onto Side Of Welsh Mountain

A large pair of pink tits has been graffitied onto the side of a Welsh mountain by vandals.

The markings, known locally as Biggiau Tittiau, appeared overnight last weekend.

Local sheep farmer, Dilwys ap Dilwys, told WalesOnCraic:

“I was down over by there with my sheep yesterday morning and when I looked up, there was a pair of giant tits looking back at me over the water. I haven’t seen a pair of tits for several decades now so it came as a bit of a shock to me. I think it’s a disgrace.”

But some residents welcome the tits. Student Gareth Wideboy said:

“We all love tits so it’s great to see them on the side of the mountain. They’re a bit on the droopy side if I’m being totally honest but tits are tits and I’m happy with them in my face every day.”

But critics have pointed out that it may not all be what it seems. Local resident Jerry Smartarse told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s like some dickhead has got a picture of a mountain off the internet, added a pair of tits on Photoshop and then uploaded it to their crap so-called ‘Welsh’ website as a news report in order to increase their Google rankings. I think it’s a disgrace.”