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What’s in the stars for you this April?

Your fundamental guide to the firmament by astrologist to the stars, Lee Beloved

CANCER

Ship problems are on the horizon. Relation-ship that is. But don’t worry, like all Cancerians you are able to bury your hand in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong. Take some ‘you’ time, put others before yourself, look before you leap and remember that he who hesitates is lost. Your lucky number for this week is green.

LEO

The only sign of the zodiac which is an anagram of Ole, they say that Leonians are renowned for being rebellious. But to be honest I don’t agree with half the things they say and between you and me I think they’ve been drinking. Remember, life might be a rollercoaster but it’s cold outside and there’s a strong south easterly wind. Better do your duffle up to the top and wear a scarf.

VIRGO

Virgo sounds like Virgin, but you’re not one – although you might as well be considering how often you get any. It’s time to be more assertive with the opposite sex. Don’t just study pornography and dream, go out and find a real person. Then take pictures of them and lock the pictures in a sealed box. That way they’ll never leave you.

LIBRA

Most Librans are quiet and like to work in a similar environment. Although that could be librarians. Either way, it’s about time you stopped looking at both sides of an argument and instead take one side and stick with it. Even if you disagree with it. No one likes a fence-sitter. Unless they’re going away and need someone to keep an eye on their fence for a few days.

SCORPIO

Most Scorpios are brill. But that doesn’t mean anything. Remember, although it takes two to tango it only takes one to know one. Your problems are two-fold, but taking an Origami course won’t help. As with all Scorpios, you suspect your partner is cheating on you. In your case it’s true.

SAGITTARIUS

It’s time for a change. And I don’t mean your pants. Although you really should. Tell your boss you want a pay rise or you’re going to look for a new job and tell your girlfriend that she had better change her idea about not doing any kinky stuff or you’re walking. But do bear in mind, I could be wrong.

CAPRICORN

Although all the others have a compatible star sign, Capricornians are destined to live a solitary life and die alone. But it’s not all bad. I myself am a Capricorn and live a carefree happy existence. I don’t need anyone else. Really. At all. I….I….I wish I was a Scorpio.

AQUARIUS

One of the most powerful ‘Fire’ signs, Aquariums come in all different sizes. Although rarely perpendicular.  With your irrational fear of jelly tots, Aquarianites like yourself have the ability to fly but rarely use it. Remember, Fame doesn’t really make you live forever. Your favourite fruit is a guava.

GEMINI

With the Eurovision Song Contest drawing near, this is not a happy time for you. Also, with Saturn in its descendency and Mercury rising, you will feel down, depressed and desperate. But be careful you don’t go on your usual spending spree or rely on comfort foods like sweets and chocolates. The last thing you need is for Mars to be passing through Uranus.

PISCES

An underrated sign (mainly due to its bad review in the 1974 Astrological Guide), you Pisceans are a delicate if not abnormal breed. With your chicken legs and toes in the shape of aliens, you have overcome all obstacles to get where you are. But you really should get down before you fall. Famous Piscepetians are Nemo out of Finding Nemo and Marina out of Stingray.

ARIES

You are gullible and easily conned. But it’s time to stop. The best way to do this is to buy my new leaflet; ‘Stop Being Gullible and Easily Conned.’ Please send your bank details to my email address: leebeloved@hotmail.com and I’ll do the rest. Remember to start your email with “Dear Lee Beloved…”

TAURUS

You’re happy and you know it, but you’re not clapping your hands. Don’t worry, this is what being a Tauriscean is all about. Stop hiding your emotions and stand up and be counted. You’ll find the total is 1. Many famous people are Taureadors, whilst a lot more of them are not.

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Your Month Ahead: April’s Horoscopes

ARIES

Mar 21 – Apr 20
What a boring month it’s been for you hasn’t it Aries? Hasn’t it? Never mind. Jupiter moves into your house this month. With it being a colossal giant of a gas planet, that consequently means that there’s not much room for you. Shame. Lucky yellow cresent-shaped fruit: the banana.

TAURUS

Apr 21 – May 21
Ah yes. The bovine wonder. Have you recently that people have started moving away from you when you get close to them? That’s be the smell of Bovril you’re giving off. Better keep your legs closed if I were you. Your breath smells. Lucky name related to defrosting a field of cows – Thora Hird.

GEMINI

May 22 – Jun 22
Wasn’t there a crap pop band called Gemini? Yes. I think they got fuck all in terms of points. I think I’m right. That sorts of sums up the month of April for you Gemini. Everything you try to do will ultimately turn to shit. It’s a bit like the Midas Touch, but in reverse. Best stay in bed if I were you.

CANCER

June 23 – July 23
The crab people. Hard shells, soft centres and an aroma like….erm…crab paste. You start a new job this month – writing copy for Findus. Your first slogan of ‘Bits of Chicken You Never Thought We’d Sell’ doesn’t go down too well. You need to think a bit more creatively than that. The good news is that love is in the air for you this month. Sadly, as you don’t have a helicopter, you can’t reach it.

LEO

July 24 – Aug 23
Everything you do will become a fantastic success and everyone you meet will want to sleep with you. But you deserve it don’t you Leo? Oh yes.

VIRGO

Aug 24 – Sep 23
Mars crashes into Neptune during the month of April, bringing with it a time of uncertainty for you. You bump into Prince Charles down the local gym on the 15th so make sure you give yourself a good wash beforehand and don’t forget to bow down or whatever it is you do when you see royalty. On the 28th, the bank robbery you’re planning won’t go too well, especially when you try to open a new account at the counter next to the one you’ve just robbed.

LIBRA

Sept 24 – Oct 23
The sign of the scales. Literally quite true this month as you’ll develop fish-like scales all over. Not to worry too much though. Pisces has the same problem every month. A shop at Kwik Save on the 17th turns into a nightmare terrorist/ hostage-taking scenario, and you escape with your life after the SBS, who were on their way to the local swimming baths, stop by to help out. Lucky trolley to hide behind- the one with the baking tray left in it.

SCORPIO

Oct 24 – Nov 22
Sexy Scorpio. Their thighs are always moist and their genitals always primed ready for action. Shame you’ve got the clap this month then Scorpio. ‘How Green Is My Bellend?’ we hear you cry. Well we told you last month to avoid that munter down the local pub. The one with the big nose and wart on their eyelid. Serves you right.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov 23 – Dec 21
Nothing much to shout about this month Sagittarius. In fact, if I were you, I’d write off April and get started on June a month early.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22 – Jan 20
Capricorns can expect a varied month in April. There’ll be some good days and some bad days. There’ll be some days in between and some days that are more days that are better than the bad days and some days that will be badder than the better days. All in all, I can’t be arsed to think of anything exciting to ply you with. Read Leo’s if you want to. It’s really good.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21 – Feb 19
That goes for you too.

PISCES

Feb 20 – Mar 20
Pisces can expect a lot of love this month with the arrival of Venus in your chart. Yes – that’s Venus and not ‘penis’. It means that you will have to start washing again and also brushing your teeth wouldn’t be a bad thing either. The man you meet in Peacocks on the 13th will offer you a new life in Treorchy. Don’t be too hasty in making your decision – double check that they’ve got a Co-op store there. Last place you want to find yourself is a place where you can’t even pick up a pint of milk if you run out.