Broken biscuits ‘don’t contribute towards calorie count’

Scientists in Wales have ended a five year study by concluding that broken biscuits – biscuits that are a little bit imperfect – don’t contribute to a person’s calorie count.

Boffins at the University of Bedwas spent five years eating broken biscuits and seeing how much weight they put on.

Professor Larry FatArse told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve spent the last five years eating hundreds of thousands of broken biscuits and can conclude that they don’t actually contribute to a person’s calorie intake. Because these biscuits are broken, nothing works, meaning that the calories contained within them are ineffective. What this means for the average person is that you can consume over five tonnes of broken biscuits in any given year and not put on any weight. We know this because most of our team haven’t put on any weight in the five years that we’ve been undertaking the study. That’s actually a lie. They have put on massive amounts of weight. But that was due to their sedentary lifestyles, rather than the huge amounts of broken biscuits that they’ve been eating.”

The news will be a welcome boost to the broken biscuit industry, which makes £40bn a year from gluttonous customers.