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NATO Deal Sees United States And Welsh Nationalists Ready To Invade England: CLAIM

A last-minute deal brokered at the NATO Summit has paved the way for Wales to invade England, according to a Welsh Nationalist leader.

The deal would see the United States joining the Welsh Nationalist Independent Friends of Wales Association in a full-blown land invasion of Wales’s neighbouring country.

Blodwyn ap Blodwyn told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve just come from a meeting now, and in my hand, I hold a piece of paper. Mr Barack Obama has signed this treaty which will allow us to join forces and take England for ourselves.”

The treaty would see the might of the US military fighting shoulder to shoulder with the Welsh Nationalist Letterbox Brigade.

“Up until now, all we’ve been able to do is post flaming rags through some people’s letterboxes and occasionally give English people living in Wales a silent phone call or two. But with the Americans on side, we can easily take England and if we’re feeling lucky, maybe Scotland too. Who knows what we can achieve? They’ve got really big guns and very fast planes and stuff– some of which even fly upside down! How cool is that?”

A NATO spokesman said however:

“He’s talking out of his arsehole mate. I’ve never even heard of Blodwyn ap Blodwyn. Wasn’t he in Camberwick Green or something?”

But ap Blodwyn is adamant that the plans to invade England would soon be underway.

“I’ve just been down David Barnes Drycleaners to get my camouflage gear clean. I can’t wait.”

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Newport taxi driver takes Barack Obama to CASTLE BINGO instead of CARDIFF CASTLE

A South Wales taxi driver has been left red-faced after taking Barack Obama to CASTLE BINGO instead of CARDIFF CASTLE.

Don Wetgussett, of Maindy, picked up the US President after a receiving a call from his boss to take Obama to the Castle for some food.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d had a long day and it was the last fare of the day for me. Round here, the ‘Castle’, as in Castle Bingo, is the only place to be on a Wednesday night in Newport. So I heads to the Celtic Manor and this dude gets in dressed up like he’s going to some posh place. I tells him that he might be a bit overdressed as they don’t do Cashpots on Wednesday nights but he laughed it off. He was nice enough and left me a half decent tip.”

The US President was due to dine with other Heads of State at Cardiff Castle as part of the NATO Summit, but told WalesOnCraic:

“It was an easy mistake to make. I got out the cab and Michelle and I went in to the main hall, only to be given these jumbo dabbers by a large woman. She curtly told us to sit on our arses as quickly as possible as they were starting the Early Session. It was only when I had a call from David [Cameron], asking where I was, that I realised I was in the wrong place.”

Don has since been reprimanded by his boss, ‘Shady’ Glen Hobbs.

“Honestly, he’s thick as shit that one.” he told WalesOnCraic. “Wait till I get my hands on him.”

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Welsh parents plan wild naked parties to celebrate kids going back to school

Parents all over Wales are planning on holding wild naked house parties tonight to celebrate the fact that their kids are going back to school tomorrow.

Police forces throughout the country have been put on standby to deal with the carnage of deliriously happy parents.

“I CANNOT wait,” said Kim Grumblegrots from Treorchy, “My kid’s been a right little shit these last few weeks. I’ve been ticking the days off my Cliff Richard calendar one by one and the day is nearly here! Once I’ve dropped him off at the school gates, I’m going to take off all my clothes and run naked through the village to celebrate.”

Mother-of-four, Lorraine Turbo-Tits added:

“I’ve managed to get through the six weeks via a Class A drugs and heavy sedation. Once the kids have gone back, it’ll be like taking a dump after being constipated for six weeks. It’s been hell.”
But for some parents, the joy has been tempered by news that the kids’ first day back is an Inset Day.

“Those bloody teachers – they just have to cram one more lie-in in, don’t they? After all that time they’ve had off over the summer, swanning off to Mexico and that! They’ve got another week off coming up in about six or seven weeks! It’s a disgrace.”

But one teacher hit back, saying “Go fock yourself. I’ve got to look after your shit of a kid for 40 weeks of the year.”

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South Wales Pensioner Set To Star On BBC Show Tumble After Hip-Op Balls-Up

A pensioner from Hirwaun is set to appear on BBC’s flagship Saturday night TV show Tumble after a mix-up at her local hospital.

Gladys Leathercotch, 67, has been asked to appear on the gymnastics-based show after a mishap at the hospital left her with an amazing and unique talent.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I went in for a hip replacement operation last month but the silly buggers put my replacement hip in back-to-front. I can’t walk very well as I keep walking one step forward and then one back. But then I found that I could cock my leg up and kick myself in the back of the head. I did it once by accident when my grandkids came round – little Jordan was nicking my Jammie Dodgers and I took a big swing at him with my left foot, completely missed and kicked myself in the back of the head. Oh how we laughed.”

BBC bosses heard about Gladys’s extraordinary talent and the following day, she had a phone call, asking her to appear on the popular show.

“I saw the first episode and thought it was a big pile of shite to be honest. But now that they’re paying me £14 to be on there, I love it – it’s the best show on telly.

“I’ll be doing a little dance and then at the end, I’ll cock my leg up and kick myself in the back of the head. God really does move in mysterious ways and I can’t wait to go down the club on Sunday night so everyone can say how good I was.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Ice Bucket Challenge Shrank My Face: Claim

A Welsh schoolboy is coming to terms with a slightly smaller face that he used to have, after his Ice Bucket Challenge went horribly wrong.

Gary Pinkballs, from Merthyr Tydfil, found his face shrank by 70% following the crazy charity stunt which has taken the world by storm. He told WalesOnCraic:




“All my mates were doing it on Facebook and I thought I was missing out because no-one was nominating me so I nominated myself and set my camera up to do it. I put a bucket of water on my head but for some reason, my face shrank really small. I don’t think it looks too bad except when I laugh – then my face goes a small as a button.”

Doctors were baffled as to why Gary’s face would shrink but his local GP did offer his thoughts:

“Gary’s always been a bit of an arsehole and I think that he’s been such an arsehole lately, that his face has literally shrank into the size of an arsehole. The fact that he put some water on his head at the precise moment that his face went small as an arsehole was purely coincidental. If I was his father, I’d have disowned him by now.”

Gary now plans to travel the world showing off his miniature face.

“I think the Chinese people would like to see me. They like things like that, don’t they?” he said.



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Ancient Egyptian mummy ‘discovered’ beneath chocolate aisle of Kwik Save

An ancient Egyptian mummy that was supposedly discovered beneath the chocolate aisle of Kwik Save in Rhyl has turned out to be a hoax.

The ‘mummy’ was discovered by shelf-stacker Tony Undergut who took his story to the local papers last week. The ‘mummy’ had been smothered in chocolate and nuts. The Kwik Save employee claimed it was the burial place of Pharaoh Roche.




But Undergut admitted that he’d made the whole thing up when challenged by his manager, Ryan Cleanwhistle. He told WalesOnCraic:

“Tony has been with us a for a few years now and he’s always been trying to make us laugh one way or another. Sadly, this Pharoah Roche ‘joke’ went down like a lead fart, especially after we took up Aisle 7 with a mini digger. We’ve suspended Tony pending further investigations and if the little shit tries to pull any more stunts like that, I’m sacking him on the spot.”

Tony’s mother, Toni, told WalesOnCraic:

“Tony’s a lonely lad. He was only trying to lift the morale of the staff there but clearly he took things too far this time. And yes, the Pharoah Roche joke was a bit crap, even by his standards.”



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Cardiff NATO Protesters Removing Steel Fence: CLAIM

NATO protesters in Cardiff are claiming to be removing sections of the Ring of Steel that is being set up around the city ahead of the NATO Summit.

Dean Wetcleft told WalesOncraic:

“We’ve had enough of it. These powerful leaders coming to our city just so that they can have a day out in Cardiff Castle and buy an I Love Wales mug. We’ve called for anarchy and we’ve got it – the quicker the Council are erecting the barriers around the city, our lads are round the other side removing them. We can’t put up with this subversion of the masses. The will to resist intervention are the products of combined political and social or class loyalties which are usually attached to national symbols.

“I read that on Wikipedia.” he added.

NATO leaders head to South Wales in early September and Cardiff Council are quick to point out that the fences are for security reasons.

But Wetcleft responded by telling WalesOncraic:

“If we can bring down this Wall of Oppression, it means that old ladies can get to browse the new Primark store – five floors of retail heaven apparently. It’s a win-win situation for all of us.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Welsh Mogwai Suffers Ice Bucket Fail

A Welsh Mogwai called Gizmo has turned into a Gremlin after an Ice Bucket Challenge went horribly wrong.

The two year old pet bubbled and steamed in his garden before being transformed into a small, destructive, evil monster and running off. Owner Dai Dingle from Aberdare told WalesOnCraic:

“Yeah, my butty Tony nominated my little Mogwai after he threw a bucket of water over his pet horse to raise money for JLS or something. I had no idea that he was going to spawn into a Gremlin and start terrorizing the local neighbourhood. The man down Ponty market who sold it to me told me not to let it come in contact with water like, but Gizmo’s never had a problem before when he has his cups of tea in the morning.”

The Gremlin has since left Dai’s house in the search for a public fountain to continue spawning. Dai and his friends did send out a search party to look for him but were back by 7.30. Dai said:

“It was a double bill of Corrie and Peter Barlow’s in all sorts of trouble. I know he’s mostly brought it on himself but you’ve got to feel sorry for the guy.”

The case continues.

 o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Brecon Young Farmers to Build M4 Relief Road

Brecon Young Farmers have submitted plans to build a relief road THROUGH Newport to help ease congestion on the M4. M4 Relief Road

Chairman Dai Mitchell told WalesOnCraic:

“All this poppycock talk of roads around Newport. Why not bulldoze a road right through Newport, have done with the place once and for all, and ease congestion on the M4 in the process? I’ve got a tractor and my mate Ben’s got a few shovels and bag of cement. I don’t see how the Welsh Assembly can over look this project.”

But critics have pointed out flaws in the plans. Eve DoGood, President of the Oppose Everything Lobby, told WalesOnCraic:

“We oppose this project. Dai’s got a tractor yes, but he hasn’t got one of those scoop things that can pick stuff up with. As a result, this project should never get off the ground. We’d like to see some lads with bigger tractors do the job. Newport’s a big place.”o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Guide To: Boy Racers

We know what you’re thinking– Boy Racers – those immature dickheads who
have nothing better to do than drive like arseholes in their shite-looking cars.

And do you know what? You’d be absolutely right! So we’re bringing you the lowdown these annoying little shits.

The Drivers
Usually aged between 17-25. After this age, most of them grow up and get themselves a decent car and a job. Most ‘scallies’ have low paid jobs and have no idea how to budget money. To finance their expensive hobby, they either take large loans or ask their parents to fund them.

In Car Entertainment
ICE as it’s known (In Car Entertainment) is the most important element of the car. Most boy racers will own a stereo with a very fancy (and ultimately pointless) graphic equaliser. After several months, the boy racers will ditch their stereo in favour of another stereo with a larger
graphic equaliser display. Pedestrians and home owners alike should be able to hear a boy racer’s car stereo from a distance of over a mile, thanks in part to the sub-woofer.

Mods
Short for ‘modifications’, mods are designed to make the cars look, handle and sound better. Unfortunately, as most boy racers can only engineer up a McDonalds burger with fries, their
attempts to ‘do the car up’ only results in hilarious results. Here are the most common:

EXHAUST– Most of us have a cheap piece of metal that takes the exhaust gases away from the engine and away from the car. Boy racers have very expensive pieces of metal that takes the exhaust gases away from the engine and away from the car. This results in the car sounding more like a tinny fart rather than the monster car it’s supposed to sound like. The exhaust manufacturers are having a field day exploiting the boy racers’ high disposable income.

ALLOY WHEELS– These range from the cheap £20 versions, to the mega expensive ones that get nicked after a few days on the car.

BODY KIT– Oh dear. Where do we start? These are moulded bits of plastic that are stuck onto the car to make it look like another car. A better car usually.

DUMP VALVES– These are the hilarious sounds made by a 1.1 Vauxhall Nova as they change gear, sounding all the world for some huge juggernaut’s air brakes. Some are simply speakers fitted to the car that produce a whooshing noise. Honest.

WASHER JET NEONS– Designed to highlight the fact that the boy racer has….erm….. washer jets.

UNDER CAR NEONS– You may have spotted these – lights that appear under the car to give it the impression of floating. In fact, these prove their worth when the AA is called out to try and fix the car by the roadside.

INSURANCE– Insurers despise boy racers just as most of us do. But they have very good reason to – they’re a high risk. Boy racers get round this problem by not declaring all of their mods– and effectively voiding any claims you may have against them if they hit you.

Don’t you just love ‘em?