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Welsh Mogwai Suffers Ice Bucket Fail

A Welsh Mogwai called Gizmo has turned into a Gremlin after an Ice Bucket Challenge went horribly wrong.

The two year old pet bubbled and steamed in his garden before being transformed into a small, destructive, evil monster and running off. Owner Dai Dingle from Aberdare told WalesOnCraic:

“Yeah, my butty Tony nominated my little Mogwai after he threw a bucket of water over his pet horse to raise money for JLS or something. I had no idea that he was going to spawn into a Gremlin and start terrorizing the local neighbourhood. The man down Ponty market who sold it to me told me not to let it come in contact with water like, but Gizmo’s never had a problem before when he has his cups of tea in the morning.”

The Gremlin has since left Dai’s house in the search for a public fountain to continue spawning. Dai and his friends did send out a search party to look for him but were back by 7.30. Dai said:

“It was a double bill of Corrie and Peter Barlow’s in all sorts of trouble. I know he’s mostly brought it on himself but you’ve got to feel sorry for the guy.”

The case continues.

 o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Brecon Young Farmers to Build M4 Relief Road

Brecon Young Farmers have submitted plans to build a relief road THROUGH Newport to help ease congestion on the M4. M4 Relief Road

Chairman Dai Mitchell told WalesOnCraic:

“All this poppycock talk of roads around Newport. Why not bulldoze a road right through Newport, have done with the place once and for all, and ease congestion on the M4 in the process? I’ve got a tractor and my mate Ben’s got a few shovels and bag of cement. I don’t see how the Welsh Assembly can over look this project.”

But critics have pointed out flaws in the plans. Eve DoGood, President of the Oppose Everything Lobby, told WalesOnCraic:

“We oppose this project. Dai’s got a tractor yes, but he hasn’t got one of those scoop things that can pick stuff up with. As a result, this project should never get off the ground. We’d like to see some lads with bigger tractors do the job. Newport’s a big place.”o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Guide To: Boy Racers

We know what you’re thinking– Boy Racers – those immature dickheads who
have nothing better to do than drive like arseholes in their shite-looking cars.

And do you know what? You’d be absolutely right! So we’re bringing you the lowdown these annoying little shits.

The Drivers
Usually aged between 17-25. After this age, most of them grow up and get themselves a decent car and a job. Most ‘scallies’ have low paid jobs and have no idea how to budget money. To finance their expensive hobby, they either take large loans or ask their parents to fund them.

In Car Entertainment
ICE as it’s known (In Car Entertainment) is the most important element of the car. Most boy racers will own a stereo with a very fancy (and ultimately pointless) graphic equaliser. After several months, the boy racers will ditch their stereo in favour of another stereo with a larger
graphic equaliser display. Pedestrians and home owners alike should be able to hear a boy racer’s car stereo from a distance of over a mile, thanks in part to the sub-woofer.

Mods
Short for ‘modifications’, mods are designed to make the cars look, handle and sound better. Unfortunately, as most boy racers can only engineer up a McDonalds burger with fries, their
attempts to ‘do the car up’ only results in hilarious results. Here are the most common:

EXHAUST– Most of us have a cheap piece of metal that takes the exhaust gases away from the engine and away from the car. Boy racers have very expensive pieces of metal that takes the exhaust gases away from the engine and away from the car. This results in the car sounding more like a tinny fart rather than the monster car it’s supposed to sound like. The exhaust manufacturers are having a field day exploiting the boy racers’ high disposable income.

ALLOY WHEELS– These range from the cheap £20 versions, to the mega expensive ones that get nicked after a few days on the car.

BODY KIT– Oh dear. Where do we start? These are moulded bits of plastic that are stuck onto the car to make it look like another car. A better car usually.

DUMP VALVES– These are the hilarious sounds made by a 1.1 Vauxhall Nova as they change gear, sounding all the world for some huge juggernaut’s air brakes. Some are simply speakers fitted to the car that produce a whooshing noise. Honest.

WASHER JET NEONS– Designed to highlight the fact that the boy racer has….erm….. washer jets.

UNDER CAR NEONS– You may have spotted these – lights that appear under the car to give it the impression of floating. In fact, these prove their worth when the AA is called out to try and fix the car by the roadside.

INSURANCE– Insurers despise boy racers just as most of us do. But they have very good reason to – they’re a high risk. Boy racers get round this problem by not declaring all of their mods– and effectively voiding any claims you may have against them if they hit you.

Don’t you just love ‘em?

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Young Farmers AGM Declare Brecon an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty

Young Farmers AGM Declare Brecon an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty

(apart from the car park behind Kwik Save)

Brecon Young Farmers have formally declared the town of Brecon as an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

In their Annual General Meeting, held at Holly Farm, both members of the group decided to name Brecon as a ‘nice place to live’. The only reservation, they said, was the car park behind Kwik Save, which was regularly covered in broken-down boxes from the store.

“It’s a shame that Kwik Save can’t keep that car park clean. Some of us like to go there in our cars late at night to meet up with other like-minded friends, if you know what I mean. Having a piece of Monster Munch box slapping against your arse when you’re enjoying yourself should never happen in today’s modern society.”

The meeting finished with a visit to the said car park.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Female Driving Disgrace

Female Driving Disgrace

Dear WalesOnCraic

Driving to the office this morning on the M4, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that make-up!!

It shocked me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn on the meat and two veg, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

Blydi women drivers!
Timmy
Bridgend
(near Maesteg)

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LEAKED: NATO Itinerary for South Wales Summit

A local man has LEAKED a top secret NATO Itinerary ahead of the NATO Summit in South Wales next month.

As world leaders gather to discuss whether they should bomb the shit out of Russia, their timetable has been published by a local tourist attraction worker who found it in a toilet cubicle.

Terry Tightgrits of Aberystwyth leaked the itinerary ‘so that the world could know that they’re just here on a jolly’.

But critics have condemned Mr Tightgrits’ actions, calling them irresponsible and dangerous. Government spokesperson Brian BigBollocks told WalesOnCraic:

“This is a dangerous thing to do and we wholly condemn Mr Tightgrits for leaking the itinerary to the public. We  would like to ask any media outlet who has a copy, NOT to publish the itinerary in any way, shape or form .”

Here’s the itinerary in full:

 Thursday 4th September

8:00 Slap-up breakfast at Ramone’s café, Cardiff.

9:00 A demonstration from the Women’s Guild of Teacosy Knitters of South Wales.

10:00 A quick visit round the National Museum of Wales to see the giant turtle that they’ve had there for 20 odd years.

10:30 Toilet break.

11:00 Mystery Coach Trip to Barry Island.

12:00 Lunch at Marco’s Café, where the filmed the mildly amusing BBC comedy Gavin and Stacey over seven years ago.

13:00 A guided tour of where Butlins used to be.

13:30 A visit to Barry Memorial Hall to see an exhibition of Zumba led by local Zumba trainer Gaynor GoggleEyes.

14:00 Head to Penrhys Leisure Centre to view the new lockers installed into the men’s changing rooms.

15:00 Meeting in the café at Asda Merthyr to discuss Big Brother.

16:00 Head to Celtic Manor for an important meeting.

17:00 Meeting to discuss the terrorist threat of ISIS.

23:00 Conclude meeting discussing the terrorist threat of ISIS. News conference to announce conclusion of the meeting – NATO to officially condemn them.

00:00 Piss up in the hotel bar.

Friday 5th September

8:00 Slap-up breakfast at Ramone’s café, Cardiff.

9:00 A display by the Aberdare Kettlebellers Display Team (Light Division – 2kgs or less).

10:00 Coach tour of the Lidl stores of South Wales.

11:00 Meet and Greet with the baby otters of Coldbrook Nature Reserve.

12:00 Lunch at Big Bertha’s Trucker’s Café on the A472.

13:00 A visit to The Owl Sanctuary in Bassaleg to see the baby hatchlings.

14:00 A visit to the Build-A-Bear outlet in Bridgend where delegates will get to build their own bear.

15:00 A Very Important Meeting in Secret Somewhere.

16:00 A How-To-Polish-Leather-Shoes-With-Your-Tongue-And-Arse-Cheeks-Class with Doris Thunderguts at Wattstown Community Hall.

17:00 High tea with scones and PG Tips.

18:00 Coaches home.