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All Scottish People Should Be Deported From Wales In The Event of a Yes Vote: CLAIM

Calls have been made for the immediate deportation all Scottish people living in Wales in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote on Thursday.

The calls come from the group ‘We’re All In This Together’, who are campaigning for a ‘no’ vote.

Chairwoman Charlotte Lardarse told WalesOnCraic:

“If the Scottish want their own way, then fine. But they must realise that they will be treated in exactly the same way as any other immigrants to Wales. They can’t come over here taking all our jobs. For those who are already here – well they can piss of back to where they came from. They can go and get a job in the oil industry up there seeing as it’s so bloody lucrative.”

But critics have pointed out that it’d be impossible to deport everyone of Scottish descent from Wales. Gary McTartan told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been here for years, copulating with the Welsh women and spawning mini versions of ourselves. What are they proposing? That we separate families? The woman’s talking out of her arsehole.”

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Welsh superband ‘The Automatic’ set to release their Greatest Hit album

Welsh supergroup The Automatic are releasing their Greatest Hit album after missing out on big deal with Apple.

The band, dubbed ‘the Welsh U2’ decided to release their album after missing out on a multi-billion pound deal to automatically download their music to the new iPhone.

The band haven’t commented on the release (mainly because we haven’t asked them plus we’ve totally made this story up) but superbandsuperfan, Sally Lally, told WalesOnCraic:




“I loved The Automatic. I loved that song, what was it called now – Monster? That’s it. I liked that one. I used to dance to it down the disco.”

Apple [didn’t] tell WalesOnCraic:

“We liked what The Automatic offered us in terms of material but Bono has a lovely pair of sunglasses and we thought that this would fit with our target audience.”

The Automatic’s greatest hit album will be called ‘The Automatic’s Greatest Hit’ and will feature their greatest hit, ‘Monster’. It’s released on Monday and will be available to buy online for free.



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Mediocre Welsh Singer Set To ‘Slightly Impress’ On Tonight’s X Factor

A mediocre Welsh singer is set to ‘slightly impress’ the judges on tonight’s X Factor.

Tredegar-born, Dan Bigballs, completed his audition a few months back with his rendition of Big Spender, which will be shown tonight on live TV.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“My mum made me look the part – skinny jeans, spiky hair and a denim jacket and all that. I did what she told me to do too – I added lots of ‘woooah yeahs’ and stuff to my song. And then when they asked me what winning the X Factor would mean to me, I told that it would ‘mean the world to me’ and that ‘it’s make or break for me’.”

But the clinching factor for the judges was when Dan started crying and telling the story of how his family had been thrown out of his home by the council and that his mum’s foot had fallen off and that she couldn’t continue her job as trolley collector in Kwik Save because her new fibre glass foot keeps getting stuck in the grating in the car park and her foot keeps coming off and that his dad had died twice, fatally, after eating too many eggs.

“Yeah. Once I turned on the waterworks, they put me through.” said Dan. “I’ve got the film crew coming round next week to film my mum collecting trolleys at Kwik Save and they’re going to film her jamming her foot in the grating and it coming off. Wooooo yeah etc etc.”

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South Wales Woman Aiming To Become ONLY Woman in Wales To NOT Put Heating On Before The End of September

A South Wales woman is hoping to become the ONLY woman in Wales to NOT put her heating on before the end of September.

Alys Slenderthigh from Cardiff told WalesOnCraic:

“A lot of my friends are Facebooking me and telling me that they’re thinking about putting their heating on but they really are mental. I’m sticking things out till the month, even if that means that my pipes freeze and my tits fall off. With energy prices the way they are at the moment, I’m not even thinking of flicking that switch until the month is out.”

Alys, from the Heath area of Cardiff, held out until September 29th last year, but this year, she’s hoping to go one better.

“I’ve got friends in America who are lasting until the end of November. Of course, they do things so much better over there than we do here. But I’m determined to become the only woman in Wales who doesn’t put it on before the end of September.”

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HMRC Llanishen evacuated after worker lets off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart

The HMRC tax office in Llanishen was evacuated today after one of its workers let off a ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ fart.

A HMRC spokesman confirmed that the office had been fully evacuated after workers were left struggling to breathe. Police have arrested a 42 year old man for disruption of the peace.

The HMRC spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“At about 2:40 this afternoon, following complaints by workers that they were struggling to breathe, we initiated our evacuation policy. 2,000 members of staff were safely evacuated.”

One worker said:

“It was horrific. I’d only just come back from lunch and it hit me in the face like Satan’s breath. A green fog descended on the office. I couldn’t breathe and raised the alarm quickly.”

42 year-old Tony GrumbleGuts, who was later arrested was quickly identified as the culprit. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d been having bardy guts all day like. Bit of a twitch here and bit of a twitch here. I’d been in a rush a lunchtime and picked up a few Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles from Morrisons next door. But after I’d had a hot chocolate from the vending machine, it seemed to trigger a chain reaction in my guts. Next thing I know, I lay back in my chair, opened my legs and floated off an air biscuit. As soon as it left my arsehole, I knew I was in trouble. It practically strangled me.”

Witnesses describe hearing a low rumbling sound, like that of a passing lorry. Staff resumed work after the offices had been fumigated.

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Welsh Police Who Find Drivers Smoking With Children In The Car To Be ‘Allowed To Punch Them Hard In The Face’

Welsh police are to be given powers to punch people hard in the face if they find them smoking in their cars with children in the back.

The proposals are being discussed as part of the Welsh Government’s attempt to clamp down on drivers who smoke.

A police official told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re hoping that we can pass this legislation. I’m really looking forward to catching people smoking and punching them hard in the face. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as hearing the crunch of a nose breaking.”

But smokers’ groups have criticised the new proposals. Derek Yellowteeth of Swansea, told WalesOnCraic:

“If we want to give our kids a wide range of serious illnesses, we should be allowed to do it in the privacy of our own cars. If the kids don’t like it, well- they have free will. They can leave a speeding car if they want to – they know where the door handles are.”

The police official added:

“I’m going to get some knuckle dusters off Ebay to sort these twats out once and for all. They’ll find it hard smoking with no facking nose.”

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Apple Unveil New Welsh Version of iPhone 6: The DaiPhone

Apple have announced a Welsh version of their new iPhone 6 – the DaiPhone.

Apple broke the news at a glitzy launch yesterday, and were quick to sell its new features to the Welsh public.

Boss Buck Smiley told WalesOnCraic:

“We thought we’d combine stereotypical views of the Welsh with our ground-breaking technology. So we’ve pre-installed Tom Jones’s ‘Delilah’ as a ring tone and put a picture of Shirley Bassey as a screensaver. It’s a must-have for anyone who’s Welsh, who’s been to Wales, or read about it on a brochure or something.”

However, some Welsh users may find that they won’t be able to use all the new DaiPhone in the way they want.

“SIRI won’t understand you if you speak Welsh because we couldn’t be arsed to translate it all and program it all in. So if you start speaking to it in Welsh, it will come back and say ‘What the hell was that you just said?’ Then it will ask you to say something properly.”

The new DaiPhone does offer some new and bespoke Welsh features however:

• Built-in sheep radar
• Voice-change to make you sound like Tom Jones
• Pre-loaded image gallery of Welsh celebrities, including Jessica Garlick
• Pre-loaded Guide to Planting Daffodils and Leeks

The new DaiPhone will be available sometime in the future. Probably.

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Disabled Parking Spaces To Be Used For Disabled People and Lazy-Arsed Coppers

Disabled parking bays are to be designated for use by ‘disabled people and lazy-arsed police drivers’, under new proposals put forward by a Council in Cardiff.

It follows nationwide riots that took place when a police car was spotted parking in an empty disabled parking space after 9pm on a quiet Sunday night.

Angry disabled campaigner, Debbie Twotrees told WalesOnCraic:

“I am absolutely SEETHING with rage that the council has put forward these proposals. Look at me – look at how red my face from being so angry. I could rip your face off, I’m THAT angry. Disabled car parking spaces should be for disabled people ONLY and NOT lazy-arsed coppers at ANY time.” [capital letters used for emphasis].

But Terry Tightnuts, a wheelchair user from Cardiff, told WalesOnCraic:

“If the police need to use it while they’re on duty and it’s an emergency, then why not? I personally couldn’t give a shiny shite myself.”

Debbie Twotrees added:

“I’m writing to the papers about this. They’ll help me tell my story.”

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87% Of Welsh People ‘Pining For NATO Like A Lost Lover’

87% of Welsh people are ‘pining for NATO like a lost lover’, according to a WalesOnCraic poll carried out over the weekend.

With the NATO circus now moving on to pastures new, it seems the people of Wales are facing the reality of getting back to things the way they were before, according to the poll.

Glenys Grimgritts, who wanted to remain anonymous, told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d give anything to have NATO back. It was all so exciting, what with those big helicopters flying around and that. I’ve now got the prospect of going back to my shitty job with nothing to talk about apart from Shitly Come Dancing – and what a load of old shit that is.”

Another pollster added:

“God, I miss NATO. My heart is pining for them to all come back. I’ve never been this heart-broken since my wife of 50 years ago left me for another woman. Even if they just called to let me know that they were ok, and that they were thinking of me – that’s all I want. I’ve booked myself in for a day at the Celtic Manor just to spend the day reminiscing.”

Even one staff writer at WalesOnCraic said:

“We’ve got nothing we can take the piss out of right now. It’s been really easy writing stuff about NATO because it’s been so unique but what can we write about now? We’ve got to go making stuff up now and we really can’t be arsed.”o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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NATO Police Infiltrated Our Peace Camp: CLAIM

NATO protesters have released a photo of a man they believe infiltrated their Peace Camp at the NATO Summit.

They believe the man was some sort of agent working for the government, and has accused him of spying on their activities.

Camp Leader, who wanted to be known by his pretend name, Captain Dreadlock, told WalesOnCraic:

“Looking back, we did have this guy in here that none of us knew. But we were so smacked up to the tits, that it’s only now, looking back at the photos, that we realise that our security was compromised. We are looking for a man about six foot high, wearing distinctive dark, branded clothing, including some kind of helmet with a blue flashing light on it, who was going around, bending his knees and saying ‘Allo, allo, allo. What have we got ‘ere then?’ We think he may have come from the London area.”

But NATO sources said that they hadn’t planted anyone in the peace camp. Steve Nedge told WalesOnCraic:

“They’re talking out of their arseholes. We wouldn’t have wasted our resources infiltrating their camp. We were too busy standing on the sides of the roads watching cars.”

But Dreadlock was adamant:

“There was. There was someone here. I knows it.”

The protesters, whose goal is for everyone in the world to sit around small fires playing guitars, helped shape NATO policy at the important summit by standing outside the meetings, blowing whistles and holding up bits of cardboard with marker pen scribbled on them.o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o