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Cat that looks like Deirdre Barlow found in Splott

A cat that looks like the late Deidre Barlow has been found wandering the streets in Cardiff.

The female cat, who wears glasses and smokes Benson & Hedges, was discovered outside the Splott Conservative Club.

The lady who found her, Sally Backtits, told WalesOnCraic:




“I was just coming back from the Post Office when I heard this high-pitched voice saying ‘Oh Ken’. My husband’s called Ken so obviously, I turned around. When I looked, there was this cat sat there, puffing on a fag. I was so disturbed that I slightly soiled my underwear – and I’d only just put them on special that morning.”

Sally then called the RAC, who told her that she should have called the RSPCA.

“I phoned the RAC but the lady told me that they only fix cars and as the cat didn’t seem to be driving a vehicle, I then phoned the RSPCA. They came out, took one look at the cat and then ran off with it.” she said.

Police arrested her later for talking bollocks.

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Cameron: Wales and Scotland To Get Their Own Weathers

David Cameron has announced that Wales and Scotland are to get their own weathers, following his recent promise in the wake of the Scottish referendum.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“The recent referendum has highlighted the need for change in the United Kingdom. And I plan to deliver real promise which is why I have instructed my cabinet to begin making plans to give Scotland and Wales their own weather. We cannot keep sharing our English weather with these two proud nations. Each nation has its own requirements and I plan to deliver on that promise.”

But Scottish First Minister criticised the plans, saying that they were ‘a load of hairy bollocks’.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“The plans are a load of hairy bollocks.”

But Welsh First Minister Derek Brockway welcomed the idea. He said:

“Alex Salmond has always been a whingeing little arse. He’ll never become happy unless he becomes King of Scotland. Macbeth was the same and he came a cropper. We welcome new weather to Wales. Hopefully we can have less rain and more sun and that way, we can welcome billions of people here to look at our mountains and stuff.”

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Swansea Woman: I Put On 32 Stone With SpeedySlim Shakes

A Swansea woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone.

Tammy Thundergunt, from Gorseinon, claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger. She told WalesOnCraic:

“I saw one of their adverts in Chat magazine and after my husband told me that I’d put on a bit of timber. I’d been putting on pound after pound after pound. I couldn’t understand it – I always had a Diet Coke when I went to the Harverster every lunchtime.”

Tammy started taking the slimming shakes last month in a bid to halt the weight gain.

“So I’ve been having one with my breakfast, one with my mid-morning snack, one with my lunch, one with my afternoon snack, one with my tea and one with my nightly takeaway. It’s a blatant contravention of the Trade Description Act – I’m now so big that I can’t even lift my fat arm to lift my remote control to change to BBC1 once Jeremy Kyle finishes.”

But husband, Timmy, who advised her not to buy the slimming shakes, told WalesOnCraic:

“She’s an eating machine. She says that it’s all related to her childhood but judging by the photos, she was a greedy shit back then too. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but she just can’t break the cycle. We lost our cat Tiddles for a few weeks last month. We found him wedged under Tammy’s gunt when she finally got up to take a dump.”

He added that he was hoping to make some money from her.

“Would you like to buy her? I’m selling her for £40. I’ll chuck in her unused treadmill for free.”

SpeedySlim spokeswoman, Linda Pertbutt, rejected the claims that SpeedySlim would add weight. She said:

“The woman’s talking out of her arsehole. That’s if she can find it of course.”

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5 Legends of Cardiff’s Queen Street

Cardiff’s Queen Street has been home to many an enduring legend. But how many of these do you remember?

Toy Mic Trev

Cardiff’s public soon took Toy Mic Trevor to their hearts when he appeared in a doorway outside Boots in the late 1990s.

Wooing the crowd with his own unique versions of Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Tom Jones and Elvis, Trev would belt out all the hits into his toy microphone. Often looking more bemused than his onlookers, Trev became a true Cardiff legend, even spawning his own fan website. He even sang the opening song to one of Cardiff’s music festivals one year.

Sadly, Queen Street has never been the same since he packed up his toy microphone and headed off into the sunset. Pretenders have come and gone but no-one has ever topped the singing legend that was Toy Mic Trev.

See Toy Mic Trev in action here

Shaky Hand Man

He would catch you out when you thought you were safe. Maybe you were enjoying a coffee. Maybe you were waiting for a friend. But he’d always get you. First time round, you’d think that he was just being nice.

“Hello. Pleased to meet you.” He’d hold out the hand of friendship. Then he’d ask you for some money.

You couldn’t say no. And he’d do it again and again and again, all over the town, probably making millions of pounds as he did. Sadly, he is no longer with us. No-one knows how much money he made, but he enriched everyone who shook his hand. Cardiff will never forget Shaky Hand Man.

RAC man

Ian, as he was known to his friends and family, would take up position just outside St David’s Centre on Queen Street and gently tease the passers-by with strange and surreal questions.

“Stressed?”

“Hungry?”

“Are you?”

He’d often mumble questions, so that no-one could quite hear. But this was all the work of a sales genius. Expecting to be asked if they had breakdown cover, passers-by would stop to ask what he’d just said. Like a master angler, he’d reel them in and once they were in his doorway, they wouldn’t leave without joining the RAC, whether they were already in it or not.

The story goes that the RAC Man was actually sacked once for earning too much money. He worked for the AA for a while, but the RAC soon noticed the drop in new RAC members and called him back. He was such a good salesman, that he’d often sell items on nearby jewellery and mobile phone cover stands to help out the local traders. RAC man would work seven days a week, and once he’d finished on Queen Street, he’d pack up and head to the nearest Tesco where he’d work until 9 or 10pm.

Casio Keyboard Man in Wheelchair

God knows where he came from or where he went to. But Casio Keyboard Man in Wheelchair had one aim when he hit Cardiff Queen Street. Annoy the shit out of everyone so much that they’d chuck money in his hat to get him out of town. His helper would wheel him into position. He’d lay a blanket over his legs and then he’d fire up his 1980s Casio keyboard. What followed sounded like….well…it’s hard to describe. Songs would start halfway through. He’d change songs (not that you’d notice) halfway through. He’d finish songs when he’d had enough of them. Timing was not a consideration and he’d often hit the ‘Demo’ button at irregular intervals for no apparent reason.

Casio Keyboard Man in Wheelchair was often spotted further afield (he was once spotted ‘playing’ in Gloucester city centre) and was often moved on by police.

Ninjah

Ninjah is one of Cardiff’s true modern-day heroes. If you see a tall man with dreads looking out of place, it might be Ninjah. If he’s dressed up in full combat gear, with a gas mask on, carrying a ghetto blaster on his shoulder, it’s probably Ninjah. If you see someone playing one of the bins with drumsticks, it’ll definitely Ninjah.

He’s often spotted running around Cardiff and has been known to save several females from serious attack in and around the city centre. So the story goes.

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Sad Welsh iPhone6 Twats Told to ‘Get a Life’

Sad twats camping outside an phone store in Wrexham for the new iPhone 6 have been told to ‘get a life’ by shop staff.

Up to 30 sad twats have been camping outside the store since Tuesday in a bid to become the first to get their hands on the new Apple hardware. But they have complained that they have become the butt of staff’s jokes. One told WalesOnCraic:

“This morning I had a few coins dropped into my lap. I know I look like a Penny-for-the-Guy but there’s no need to make a song and dance about it.”

Another added:

“I’ve had to take a three day break from Minecraft to come here. You think they’d treat us with a bit more respect.”

But staff member Kylie Turbotits, told WalesOnCraic:

“They can sit there all they like. We close for good tomorrow because our company Phone4U has gone to the shitters.”

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Jim McDonald gets £3.50 bonus every time he says ‘so it is’ on telly (so he does)

Actor Charles Lawson who plays Jim McDonald in Coronation Street is picking up a £3.50 bonus every time he says the phrase ‘so it is’ on Coronation Street (so he is).

Lawson, who hails from west Wales (very west Wales – very, very, very ie. Ireland) has recently returned to British TV screens, playing the crafty Jim McDonald character.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“Aye, I’ve been told by my bosses that I can earn £3.50 every time I say ‘so it is’ (so I can). After taking so much time out of work, I need that cash (so I do). It’s nice of them to offer it to me (so it is).”

But TV bosses have denied the rumours. A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s talking out of his arsehole (so he is).”



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Alex Salmond ‘Crapping His Kecks’ After Realising He Might Have To Actually Run Scotland

  • Scotland’s First Minister On Brink of History

  • 120% of Welsh People Couldn’t Give a Shit

  • Results Known After Referendum

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond is reportedly ‘crapping his kecks’ after realising that he might have to actually run Scotland himself in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote.

Salmond, who has dedicated his life on getting an independent Scotland, is on the brink of history as the Scottish public decide today whether to go it alone. But a close friend and ally, Jim McJimbobMcRae, told WalesOnCraic:

“The lad’s shitting himself. He’s suddenly confronted with the fact that he’s moving out of ‘home’ and that he’ll have to start being accountable for his own finances. He hasn’t slept for weeks.”

But another friend told WalesOnCraic:

“He knows what he’s doing. He’s a sensible man.”

It comes as a new poll suggests that 120% of Welsh people don’t give two tosses about who wins the referendum. One member of the public told WalesOnCraic:

“Surely if they go, then that’s more money for us from Westminster? Lovely. I’ll have a bit of that. Thanks butt.”

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Welsh men to receive free ‘how-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons

Men in Wales are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes.

The Welsh Government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved ones. But sadly, when the missis takes her plate back to the kitchen when she’s finished, all hell breaks loose when she sees the state of the kitchen. It’s often the cause of long silences on the sofa for the rest of the evening. We at the Welsh Government are looking to nip this in the bud by teaching men how to wash up as they go along.”

The initiative forms part of the Government’s strategy to halt the decline of divorces in Wales. Figures show that messy kitchens accounted for 96% of divorces in Wales in 2013. One woman told WalesOnCraic:

“We really don’t know how these men manage it. They manage to use EVERY plate, EVERY saucepan and EVERY knife and fork, just to boil an egg! Whereas we women like to wash as we go along, and in some cases, clean the kitchen before we sit down and eat our meal, men show a distinct lack of cleanliness and order. We welcome these new classes so we can show them how it’s really done.”

Classes will be rolled out across Wales in October, to run alongside with the existing ‘Teaching Men How To Put Things Back Where They Belong’ classes.

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All Scottish People Should Be Deported From Wales In The Event of a Yes Vote: CLAIM

Calls have been made for the immediate deportation all Scottish people living in Wales in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote on Thursday.

The calls come from the group ‘We’re All In This Together’, who are campaigning for a ‘no’ vote.

Chairwoman Charlotte Lardarse told WalesOnCraic:

“If the Scottish want their own way, then fine. But they must realise that they will be treated in exactly the same way as any other immigrants to Wales. They can’t come over here taking all our jobs. For those who are already here – well they can piss of back to where they came from. They can go and get a job in the oil industry up there seeing as it’s so bloody lucrative.”

But critics have pointed out that it’d be impossible to deport everyone of Scottish descent from Wales. Gary McTartan told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been here for years, copulating with the Welsh women and spawning mini versions of ourselves. What are they proposing? That we separate families? The woman’s talking out of her arsehole.”

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Welsh superband ‘The Automatic’ set to release their Greatest Hit album

Welsh supergroup The Automatic are releasing their Greatest Hit album after missing out on big deal with Apple.

The band, dubbed ‘the Welsh U2’ decided to release their album after missing out on a multi-billion pound deal to automatically download their music to the new iPhone.

The band haven’t commented on the release (mainly because we haven’t asked them plus we’ve totally made this story up) but superbandsuperfan, Sally Lally, told WalesOnCraic:




“I loved The Automatic. I loved that song, what was it called now – Monster? That’s it. I liked that one. I used to dance to it down the disco.”

Apple [didn’t] tell WalesOnCraic:

“We liked what The Automatic offered us in terms of material but Bono has a lovely pair of sunglasses and we thought that this would fit with our target audience.”

The Automatic’s greatest hit album will be called ‘The Automatic’s Greatest Hit’ and will feature their greatest hit, ‘Monster’. It’s released on Monday and will be available to buy online for free.