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Newcastle Emlyn woman calls on Scotland to ban UPKILTING

upkilting

A 24 year old bride from Newcastle Emlyn has called upon Scotland’s First Minister to ban upkilting.

Ffion Minger-MacDonald contacted WalesonCraic’s reporter for the Celtic Regions, Jock Strappe, saying:

“I am pleased to see that upskirting has been banned in the UK, but it does not ban upkilting. It is sexist.”

Ffion went on:

“It was only when Hamish and I were getting married in Edinburgh, did I realise what Scottish women were like, when a man is in a kilt, especially if he is getting married. Hamish is a proud Scot and I met him at the Millennium Stadium when Scotland were playing Wales. He was in his kilt then. I suppose I was as bad, as I was determined to have a look. His shoelaces were undone, so I went down to tie them for him and I had a quick glance up. I suppose it lasted a minute or two. And that was it. Love at first sight.”

Ffion added:

“Well, that was three years ago and fast forward to our wedding day and I was shocked at everyone trying to get a peep up his kilt. Even my Mum, Bronwen, was having a sly look. Even my gay brother, Dafydd, was trying to get a peep. I am have written to Nicola Sturgeon and have asked for equality and demand that upkilting be made illegal and the sentencing and fines mirror those guilty of upskirting.”

WalesonCraic Celtic Regions reporter, Jock Strappe said:

“The Scottish Government is in a quandary. The Scots are proud and the men are expected to go commando under their kilts, but girl power has seen an upsurge in upkilting and the Scottish First Minister has not seen it as a priority to ban upkilting. And there have been calls from the Conservatives opposition leader for the First Minister to resign.”

Ffion said:

“I was greatly offended that women and Dafydd were doing all they could to look at my Hamish’s meat and two veg on our wedding day. They have no shame these days. Upkilting must be banned. Mind you, after a few pints, Hamish was showing everything to everyone, anyway, so I don’t know whether the law should be involved.”

A spokesperson for the Scottish First Minister said:

“It’s only harmless fun and men can get around it by wearing a pair of boxers, so is there a need for a ban?”




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Harry and Meghan have received 946 toasters since last weekend

Kensington Palace has unofficially announced that Prince Harry and Meghan Sparkle have received many presents from well-wishers.

A court official was overheard in The Prince of Wales Feathers pub, in Whitehall, telling his friends over a few pints, what was happening behind the scenes.

WalesOnCraic’s Royal Reporter, Queenie Ramsbottom said:

“I was sat on the table behind a Kensington Palace butler, who was off duty, but he was still wearing his work wear. It seems that do date, many duplicate items have been received.”

The list includes:-

• 946 toasters
• 728 tea towels
• 1084 His and Hers Mug Sets
• 85 Saucepans sets
• 95 DVD Recorders
• 23 Nodding Churchill Dogs to put in the car
• 467 Duvet Sets
• 76 Teddy Bears

Queenie went on:

“It would seem that the Palace is completely swamped with truckloads of gifts being delivered 4 times a day. Meghan is like a giggling 8-year-old, opening parcel after parcel, on Christmas Day. The Palace has had to use an empty apartment to store all the parcels and they have taken on 4 staff to put the items onto Ebay.”

Queenie has been speaking earlier this week to Welsh Royal revellers who had set up their vantage point on Windsor High Street last weekend. Sian Gubbins of Aberaeron, Ceredigion said:

“We sent Harry and Meghan a toaster and we are shocked that it’s now on Ebay. I have just had a look and I can see it there. It currently stands at 99p.”

Queenie Ramsbottom also spoke to Kensington Palace and a spokesperson denied that wedding presents were on sale on Ebay. The unnamed official said:

“I refute this allegation. But I can confirm that the number of toasters received is now approaching 1000.

“I am sure that Prince Harry and Meghan will make use of every toaster and every other present that they receive,” the spokesperson added.

Sian Gubbins said:

“I won’t be eating the toast. I can’t stand it. It was given to me and my Geraint, when we got married 3 months ago. We were given 14 toasters. I’ve just got another 13 to get rid of. I might put them on Ebay, myself.”

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Prince Harry heading to Tenby for his stag do

An unofficial source at Kensington Palace has confirmed, after 10 pints of real ale, that Prince William will be taking his brother Prince Harry, to Tenby, for his stag do, next weekend.

It was this morning that Kensington Palace confirmed that Prince William will be his brother’s best man, but no mention was made of the stag do.

WalesOnCraic can confirm that a suite of rooms has been booked in the Premier Inn under the name “Harry Williams” from lunchtime on Friday, until Monday lunchtime.

Harry, Wills and their pals are expected to spend Saturday at Oakwood Theme Park and have paid for exclusive use of the facilities, with the public excluded. On Sunday, they are expected to get dressed in wetsuits and go coasteering on the north Pembrokeshire coast. In their wetsuits, they will not be recognisable by the public.

But of course, the stag do will also include copious amounts of alcohol and it’s expected that they will enjoy curry night at the local Wetherspoons, The Dinbych-y-Pysgod. Friday night’s 2 for 1 curry night is a great attraction in Tenby. Local residents have already noticed an increased police presence and it’s expected that armed police protection will accompany them at all times.

Tenby Mayor, Cllr Marion Fish said:

“The Town Council were sworn to secrecy, so I cannot comment on this rumour. But it’s obviously a coincidence that up to 100 armed police officers will be in the town at the weekend. Townspeople are asked not to step out of line or they could get a bullet to the head. We would not want this to happen as the street cleaners will have to clean up any blood, on Monday.”

Tenby resident Bert Snodgrass said:

“I hope Wills and Harry will be out in the town. I would love to buy them both a pint of Tenby Best Bitter. I’m sure Wills is glad to be away from Kate and his 3 kids. I saw him asleep yesterday at the service in Westminster Abbey. Obviously, his latest arrival is meaning he is having sleepless nights.”

Kensington Palace was approached to confirm the news that Tenby was to host Prince Harry’s stag do, but declined to comment. The spokesperson did say though that Harry and Wills love a kebab after a night on the lash and obviously that will be a major consideration, where they hold the stag do. This afternoon, Carl’s Kebabs was seen cleaning and repainting his kebab shop, on the High Street.

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Prince George to be renamed Prince David

With the birth of the new son this morning, word has reached WalesOnCraic via our source in The Lindo Wing at St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, that the new Prince will be named Prince George as he was born on St George’s Day. The current Prince George is to be renamed Prince David, as he will one day become Prince of Wales in his own right.

The source is a courier driver who had just delivered a parcel to the hospital, Glen Footdown was in the cubicle in The Lindo Wing, having a crap.

Glen said:

“I was sat there on the bog when I heard the door open and a voice. It sounded like Prince William. I heard him say ‘Granny, I want you to exercise your prerogative to rename royal babies before they are 10 years old. It’s too good an opportunity and we must name the new baby George and George can become David. It will be a win-win as the English will be happy as well as the Welsh. Just imagine them celebrating when King David takes the throne.”

WalesOnCraic conducted a straw pub in the Owen Glyndwr Arms, Llandrindod Wells and found unanimous support for the idea.

Landlady Sheila Drinkslops said:

“It’s about time Wales had a king with a Welsh name and it means we won’t get a King George when King William pops his clogs.”

Owen Glyndwr Arms regular, Sion Lagerlout said:

“When I got a dog from the rescue centre, he came with the name Tyson. We changed his name to Sammy and had no problem at all. I am sure Prince George will get used to his new name of Prince David.”

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Wales First member to declare independence for Wales on Wednesday at 2.30pm

With news of Catalonia declaring its independence from Spain, Newport (Pembrokeshire) Wales First member Dai Glyndwr has said he will be declaring Welsh Independence on Wednesday at 2.30pm.

Dai Glyndwr, who changed his surname from Jones to Glyndwr, said:

“I was in the Glyndwr Arms having a few pints and my mates said I should change my name from Jones to honour my Welsh roots. So as I was eating pork scratchings, I thought I could not call myself Dai Pork Scratchings, but decided on the name of my favourite pub.

“Anyway, after 15 pints, I was scrolling through the Plaid website and I see that Plaid Cymru leader Leanne Wood has urged the Welsh Assembly to recognise the new state of Catalonia. I thought, this is brilliant and thought now is the time to strike and declare independence for Wales. We need to reject the brutality from the state as Pembrokeshire County Council is proposing to collect the black waste sack every 3 weeks now, instead of every fortnight. This is simply not acceptable and we Welsh must stand up and fight this reactionary decision by those below the Landsker Line. They are doing the work of the English,” said Dai Glyndwr.

“At 2.30pm on Wednesday, I will be declaring Welsh Independence from the Glyndwr Arms, here in Newport. We are the true Newport of Wales. Not that huge shithole near England with a tunnel on the M4. Wales voted for devolution in 1997 and I take that decision as a vote for independence,” said Dai.

WalesOnCraic contacted Lianne Wood to see if she will be joining Dai Glyndwr and if she will become President of an Independent Wales.

Lianne Wood said:

“I congratulate the Catalan people on gaining their independence through peaceful and democratic means. The Catalan people have insisted on a democratic route to achieving independence through the ballot box. They are to be commended for continuing to reject violence even though they have faced brutality from the Spanish State. Plaid Cymru will be calling for the National Assembly for Wales to recognise the Catalan Republic as an independent country.”

Lianne added:

“However, I am getting my hair done at 2.30pm on Wednesday, so I will probably watch the live announcement on ‘Dai News’. But I am interested in becoming President of an Independent Wales.”

WalesOnCraic got back to Dai Glyndwr this morning and he exclusively revealed:

“Did I really say that? Oh shit”.

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Welsh pensioners taking up crime to provide themselves with shelter and food in prison

A newly published survey from the Forgotten 50 Year Old’s Society of Wales is showing that 42% of men surveyed, who are in their 50s are having to consider alternative solutions for their care, when they get older.

Over 1000 Welsh men in their 50s, were surveyed over a week, across Wales.

With social care being cut back, year on year, by local Councils as austerity cuts deepen, it seems that a life of crime is being considered as a means for our future elderly to receive proper care, in their old age.

John Chundergrass, 56, of Newtown was interviewed and spoke to WalesOnCraic. John said:

“I have paid into the system for almost 40 years now. I was expecting to be looked after in my old age if I need it. However, local Council budgets are being cut every year and with the baby boomer generation approaching retirement, I have seen my parent’s generation are not receiving the care that I would hope for. Carers come and go within 15 minutes. They don’t have time to talk to their clients and elderly are left in beds with dirty bedding.”

John continued:

“This made me realise that I have to make my own plans for my own age as I don’t have the savings to pay for a comfortable retirement.

“I have seen all the court cases of the likes of Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall and seen them in cushy prisons. I have researched on the internet at how comfortable it is in prison for elderly prisons. Heating, books, TV, 3 meals a day. Even an early morning call. Where do you get that sort of room service on the outside? I have started researching the lengths of prison sentences on offer. Whether its a murder, downloading dodgy porn, stealing millions from a bank or parking on double yellow lines, I am looking at prison being the solution to my final years,” John continued.

A spokesman for the Government said:

“We have seen cuts to social care to the poor. But we didn’t see it coming that the elderly will start to commit serious crimes to get a cozy life in a person’s final years. But to think 42% were considering a life of crime in old age is a worrying trend and we will have to start building a few prisons for the elderly. Come to think of it, I may have to do the same myself as I am on a crap contract thanks to this Government.”

WalesOnCraic can confirm that Marigold Prisons Ltd is developing plans for prisons for the elderly and there are plans to build 4 across Wales and a further 18 over the rest of the UK.

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Rooms at North Wales’ new prison available on Trivago website

WalesOnCraic’s crime correspondent, Robin Banks can confirm that rooms at a new North Wales prison are being advertised on the Trivago website.

Trivago is the website where they compare hotel prices and enable users to get the best deals.

Robin Banks received a tip off from a reliable source, when talking to prison officers at the Prison Officers Council AGM, in a top Newtown hotel.

Robin went onto the Trivago website and looked for accommodation in the Wrexham area for early March. And sure enough, he was advised of 3 cells being available for £45 a night. It included an early morning call at 7am, free of charge.

Robin Banks made a reservation and obtained evidence of his booking. He then spoke to the Prison Minister, Edward Farquhar-Ferguson. The Minister confirmed that as the prison will be the UK’s largest prison and hold up to 2000 prisoners, when full. It opens on 27th February, but its likely to be mid-2018, when it will be full.

“Due to austerity, it was decided to generate money by letting vacant cells as there was a demand for secure accommodation in North Wales,” said the Minister.

The Minister went on:

“Prison staff have been trained up and will have to be paid, even though there won’t be many prisoners, to start with. The prison staff have received training on customer service and this will benefit the prison service, when the prison is 100% occupied by prisoners. We hope to generate up to £12 million pounds and that is good news for taxpayers.”

WalesOnCraic spoke to Sion Thompson-Guiltyasfeck who has spent a week-end at HMP Berwyn. He said:

“I have had my belongings stolen at several establishments over the years. But my property was secure at HMP Berwyn. OK, the TV is crap. No Sky, but the food was good and I see Wrexham Council’s Environmental Health Officers have given it a 5 Star rating for ‘Scores on the Doors’.”

A spokesperson for Wrexham Borough Council said:

“This is a novel method of providing desperately needed accommodation and I am sending my Mother-in-law there for a fortnight. I got a good deal on Trivago.”

WalesOnCraic has managed to get a cell for 2 for a week’s holiday in a special deal with Trivago, with all meals and ear plugs included. An early morning call at a time of your choice between 6-8am is also included.

To enter, send an e-mail to royston@WalesOnCraic.com by noon 31st January saying in less than 50 words, why you would like to win the free week’s holiday for 2 at HMP Berwyn. The holiday is available in July or August 2017.

The Editor’s decision is final. No family or friends of WalesOnCraic staff or contributors may enter.

The winner will be notified by a black maria turning up outside their house at 6am in the morning. The winner is also expected to write a review of their stay. Good luck.

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Proposed smacking ban in Wales could hit massage parlours hard

News that new powers in the Wales Bill, due to be approved by the House of Lords on Tuesday 10th January could see the Assembly given powers to ban smacking, has been met with horror by Madame Zsa Zsa Owen who runs the upmarket massage parlour ‘Spankers’, in Swansea.

Madame Zsa Zsa (real name Tracey Bazzookas) has run Spankers above the Donkey Sanctuary Charity Shop in Swansea for over 15 years. Wales’ Children’s Commissioner, Dr Sally Holland has said that smacking has no place in modern society.

Madame Zsa Zsa said:

“I am concerned as Welsh Labour has promised to seek cross-party support to end the defence of reasonable punishment. Spankers is an upmarket massage parlour and offers other services to punters. Swansea men seem to have a penchant for smacking and spanking are top of the list of many of our punters. I have already been asked by some of our regulars how this will affect the offering of this service. If it is banned, I fear we could be forced out of business. I have even been investigating the possibility of relocating to just over the Severn Bridge, near Bristol. I have located premises.”

Swansea punter, Rhys Flabbybutt asked for anonymity as his wife didn’t know he attended Spankers. We are happy to ensure Rhys’ name remains anonymous. Rhys said:

“It started from my public school. I would often get a smacking from Matron and my form mistress. At first it hurt, but before I knew it, I started to like it and I would break the rules on a regular basis, just to ensure I got a good smacking. And this developed into my spanking fixation as I got into the 6th form.”

An Assembly spokesman who wishes to remain anonymous said he had been approached by many Conservative AMs and MPs as they had fond memories of being smacked and it developed into the healthy spanking fixation.

“We are going to have to ensure that any legislation differentiates between smacking a child and consensual smacking or spanking fun for a consenting adult. If we don’t, there’s going to be a lot of pent up frustration and God only knows what will happen then.”

The Welsh BDSM & Sadomasochists Society has said that they are setting up a petition on the Assembly website and they will whip their members to ensure they support the petition, ensuring adults are not affected by any smacking ban.

A spokesperson for the Welsh Children’s Commissioner said:

“The Commissioner is aware of the sensitivity of this issue and they will try to ensure that smacking and spanking of consenting adults is not affected by the ban, that could be in place across Wales by mid-2019.”

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Old people to be shipped off to India

WalesOnCraic has received word from a reliable source, that an unnamed County Council is looking at a proposal to placing elderly people in their care with no family, to a Care Home that it is building in Uttar Pradesh in India.

Dorothy Oldwoman, our social care reporter overheard a conversation at a Christmas party attended by social services staff and the Cabinet member for Social Care, Cllr X.

With the squeeze on Council budgets due to austerity, the Council is considering a proposal to place elderly residents with no family, into a purpose built Residential/ Nursing Home in India. The costs there to the Council would be £50 per week, compared to the cost of over £600 a week, in local residential homes.

It appears that with saving £550 per elderly person, per week, with 150 residents in care with no immediate family, it could save the Council over £4 million a year.

Cllr X was heard saying:

“The elderly with no family will have a modern facility. No heating as the temperature in Uttar Pradesh is always warm or hot. They will have no need for a holiday as they will already be now living in India. Also, they will have curry every night.”

Dorothy Oldwoman spoke to a resident at The Twilight Rest Home who said:

“I can’t wait to move to India. This home smells of piss. I know my roommate is jealous and has told their family to piss off and never visit him again, so he can then request a transfer to the new care home in India. He’s even cut them out of his will, other than leaving them his debts. We already love curry night in this home and we occasionally phone out for a curry to be delivered here. And to think we will get it 7 days a week. I can’t wait.”

To make residents feel that they are still British, the Care Home will provide a traditional Sunday dinner, on request.

When the news broke, Dorothy Oldwoman approached the Association of Welsh County Councils (AWCC), who confirmed that the idea was being looked at by all Welsh Councils and that the savings could resolve the black holes in several Council’s budgets. Indeed, some are looking at introducing an incentive scheme to encourage more elderly in care to move to care homes in Wales. Several Councils are so positive about the idea that they see this as a means to getting all the potholes and poor roads, repaired. They see it as a win-win.

As 89 year old Ivor Notlongtolive said:

“I can’t wait to move to India. I love a Chicken Jalfrezi and Peshwari Naan. And because it’s so cheap over there, we will get as much Cobra beer as we can drink.”

Ivor’s son Dewi said:

“I can’t wait for Dad to go to India. To be honest, I can’t wait for when I have to go in a home. I’d be out of this country like a shot. SO much warmer in India.”

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Roly Polys to perform at Trump’s inauguration

It’s not been a secret that the stars were lined up to perform at the inauguration of Hilary Clinton, but Donald Trump has been having real problems in finding any big name stars to perform at his. This follows his surprise victory.

HOWEVER, WalesOnCraic’s North American Entertainment Reporter, Hiram Tumblemuff can report that a big name has finally been signed up. The Roly Polys dance troupe that used to perform with the great comedian, Les Dawson.

It appears that Trump was entertaining his new best buddy, Nigel Farage to dinner. Farage brought a DVD over of Les Dawson and Trump was infatuated by the performances of the Roly Polys dance troupe led by Mo Moreland.

“Nigel, can you get the Roly Polys to perform at my inauguration as it will make up for the lack of names like Bruce Springstein and Beyu let me once,” said Trump.

“Of course, Donald. If you let me have a budget of $5million,” Nigel Farage is understood to have asked for.

WalesOnCraic have approached the Roly Polys manager, who said:

“The Roly Polys haven’t performed for years. Death, ill health and age has meant that they are not on top of their act.”

When told of the $5m budget, their manager said :

“I will get Mo and the girls together and hold interviews if necessary, to fill any places that are vacant.”

WalesOnCraic also spoke to President Elect Trump’s negotiating team to verify the story. Elmer Fuddscrote said:

“Donald has learnt that you can tell people anything and they will believe it. He tried it out on the British electorate in the EU Referendum campaign when he suggested that people would vote for £350m a week extra for the NHS. It worked and people believed it. The fact that the money isn’t there and people aren’t taking to the streets is evidence that voters believe any old bollocks given to them.”

WalesOnCraic spoke to one of the Roly Polys. Ethel Bumscratch said:

“I’m the youngest at 88 and can’t wait to show Trump and the American people that we deserve the number 1 billing as Beyonce and Lady Gargoyle won’t be appearing as they are having their hair done.”

Meanwhile tickets for Trump’s inauguration are currently on sale on Ebay and 10,000 will soon be on sale at Poundland.