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Ex-Brexit secretary has top tips for Wales

David Davis, ex-Brexit secretary and now rugby pundit for Dave TV has some great news for Welsh rugby fans.

Speaking just a few days before Saturday’s grand slam match with Ireland, Davis was forthright with regards to the result.

“Well, if the score goes against Wales there’s no real reason to accept the result. There are several options available in case Wales’ fans are not happy. The first option would be to query the result, carefully reviewing the game in case we’ve been diddled by those craft Irish folk. If that doesn’t work we can either opt for a rematch, best of 3, or simply take the trophy and run. Or, at the end of the match, we just keep playing until we get the result we want.”

Davis continued:

“The problem is we don’t really know how a win is defined. Is it simply that one team has to have more points than the other? Should there be an agreed margin, so the winner has to win by a set number of points? Should we award the loser extra points because we feel sorry for them by way of encouragement?”

Speaking on behalf of the WRU Dai Laughing, senior communications officer was less than impressed with Davis’ approach.

“He’s off his chunk. The bois are gonna do this by a mile. And anyway, with Brexit on hold and this f*cking backstop position, if we do lose it we’ll pop over and duff them up when they’re pissed one night.”

Image: Estonian Foreign Ministry

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Demand outstrips supply for Hinkley Mud Mask Treatment

Since its launch just a few weeks ago, demand has been rising for Dai Yadick’s Hinkley Mud Mask treatment.

Available from all good car-boots, market stalls and eBay, the patented Mud Mask has proved popular with celebrities, rugby players and many Valley Umpa Lumpas.

A top-secret combination of essential and non-essential heavy metals, coupled with a dash of non-specific radioactive nucleotides, and a splash of anaerobic poo bacteria ensure that the brand’s promise, ‘Your skin will never feel the same again’ holds true for everyone.

There’s no shortage of feedback on the product, exclusively made in a former car wash in Grangetown:

“My skin was visibly glowing after use,” said Wilma Poreshrink, of Penarth. “Within a few days, facial hair was a thing of the past,” reported an online product reviewer. Others have reported the product’s auxiliary benefits – “since using the product, I’ve completely lost my appetite. I’m shedding pounds like nobodies business. As soon as you apply it, you can feel it tingling, almost burning, it’s that bloody good.”

The production plant in Grangetown has had some teething problems, with an unexpectedly high staff turnover rate, and outbreaks of sickness, which Dai puts down to winter flu.

Dai hopes to be able to upscale production soon – and with the amount of mud being deposited just off Cardiff, there’s no shortage of raw material. As Dai said:

”I’m digging it out faster than their dumping it. It’s so easy to find as it glows in the dark – and if you get it whilst it’s still warm, the effects are even more dramatic”.

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Florence appeals for watch and shoes to be returned

Following her appearance at BBC 1 Radio’s Biggest Weekend in Singleton Park at the weekend, Florence Welch has made an emotional plea for the return of a number of missing items.

The redhead beauty attempted to surf the crowd at the concert, but was returned to the stage minus her jewellery and shoes.

Florence said:

“First of all, I left my wellies (Size 5, pink) outside the Campervan just after the soundcheck, and just as I was about to go on stage they’d gone.”

But worse was to come for the best selling artist.

“I decided to get close to the fans during my set – I was about to go crowd surfing and I felt a tug – my watch was gone, three rings, and my favourite Calvin Kleins too – they were fresh on today!”

South Wales Police held out little hope that the items would be returned. However, in a bizarre twist of fate, Liam Gallagher entered the crowd, only to be spat out later in full Swansea kit. Liam said “Those f@57ing £b^56857788DD!s ^$5$5 Sh&6eads.”

WalesOnCraic has issued a £10 reward for the safe return of Florences Pants, to be sent to the office of course, and we’ll pass them on. Eventually.

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Concerns for Ed Sheeran’s fingers after fourth Cardiff gig announced

Fears are being expressed following Ed Sheeran’s announcement of a fourth consecutive night in Cardiff in June 2018.

Coming as it does towards the end of the 18 date stadium concerts, there are concerns that the singer’s digits will be little more than bloodied calloused stumps by the time he finishes his Cardiff dates.

The singer’s management team remain unphased:

“Ed is undertaking a rigorous finger toughening schedule, and not using any moisturisers throughout the run up to the gig. Each night he rubs his fingers with coarse sandpaper – believe me – that boy could get a tune out of a cheese wire,” said one of his team.

Ed announced his fourth gig after he remembered he had some posh settees to pay off by the end of the year.

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New Welsh tapas bar takes Aberystwyth by storm

A new Welsh-themed Tapas bar has proved an instant success for residents and visitors to the seaside town of Aberystwyth.

Last month saw the Grand opening of ‘Tapas-y-Tri’ on the town’s seafront. The brainchild of local resident and entrepreneur Lewis ‘Llew’ Llewelyn, the restaurant has enjoyed rave reviews and been featured in a double page spread in local paper, the Cambrian News.

Llew told WalesOnCraic:

“To be honest with you, it was an accident. I’d been to the Costas in Spain and always liked the Tapas, but to be honest I’m not one for all that cheese and raw meat. I thought to myself, we’ve got all the snacks we need in Wales, they just need as I call it Tapassing.”

Visitors to Llew’s restaurant can select from a modest menu of well planned Tapas dishes. The Savoury Surprise (pictured) is by far a favourite, featuring a subtle combination of crisps, nuts and pork scratchings. For seafood lovers, penclawdd cockles are served on a bed of scampi flavour fries. Llew’s favourite, a twist on nachos, involves smothering plain crisps with ketchup and topping with a cheese slice, lightly grilled. For fans of surf ‘n’ turf, Llew combines scampi flavour fries, cockles and steak crisps to provide that classic food combination.

Local health campaigners have said that Llew’s menu contains too much salt – but Llew is defiant:

“What do they know? Besides, since I introduced the menu, my drinks sales have gone through the roof.”

Llews is open Mon-Saturday 11am until 11pm, booking not always required. Five stars from WalesOnCraic

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Cheap imported tarmac blamed for shrinking car parks

West Wales County Council has blamed cheap imported tarmac from China following the recent shrinkage of a car park in Tenby.

People who had used the car park over bank holiday Monday came back to see their cars straddling the white lines of the parking bays.

Dai Hatsu from Saundersfoot said:

“I returned from my annual holiday in Tenby and couldn’t get into my 4×4. The doors on both sides were touching the cars on either side. First off I though my car had grown, but then I thought ‘no’ it must be because the car park’s shrunk. There was a helluva downpour before. That explains it.”

Following the complaints, local authority inspectors confirmed that the newly laid tarmac had in fact shrunk under the Welsh wet bank holiday weather.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said council workman Bill McBlackstuff. “We’ve been under pressure to save money, but this stuff is hopeless. I understand the whole lot is to be shipped back and we’re charging them for the white paint on it too.”

Local Green Party supporter Angela Recyclemore said:

“I hope the council learn from this failed attempt at outsourcing, but at the same time I hope that this tarmac can be reused in an effective way. Maybe a short stretch of a motorway in Dubai.”

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1:1 scale model warship in Cardiff Dock

Residents of Cardiff Bay were today confused by the sight of one of the world’s largest scale models of a Royal Navy warship ever made when it mysteriously appeared in Brittania Quay.

Local resident and café owner Phil Flapjack said:

“I went to bed at 10pm last night, and in the middle of the night there was a loud splash and there it was. With UEFA around the corner, many thought the vessel was genuine until doubts were raised about the quality of the paintwork and apparent use of ‘toy guns’ onboard.”

The model maker, local man and model enthusiast Stephen Tickyman described the project as, ‘one of the biggest projects he’d undertaken’. Using a scale of 1:1, Tickyman has painstakingly recreated the original HMS Severn in minute detail. Locals have volunteered to play the part of the crew, though many of those visiting have expressed surprise that the boat is nothing more than a balsa wood shell with no internal workings.

One visitor, wishing to remain anonymous, said:

“I paid 50p to visit the boat – the whole things made of wood and to be honest, one match and it will be the biggest bonfire Cardiff’s seen since that recycling fire earlier in the week.”

It is understood model maker Tickyman has in fact been approached to see if he’s available to make several more 1:1 scale models, including several aircraft carriers, a couple of frigates, and a royal yacht called ‘Liz 2’.