If you’re taking part in this weekend’s Cardiff Half Marathon, here are 15 things that you need to know before you head down to the Welsh capital.
#1 When is it?
#2 What time should I be at the start?
WalesOnCraic advises that you’re there before the half marathon starts. Otherwise you’ll miss it. Or you could just nip over the fence half way round and do a quarter marathon. No one will really notice or care.
#3 What do I need to bring with me?
Some daps. And some pop if you want.
#4 Where do I stand at the start?
With all the other runners, thicko.
#5 What if I’ve got a bag? Where can I leave it?
Just hide it under a bush or something. Or get one of the other runners to carry it for you.
#6 What if I need a piss?
Just do it as you go along. People will probably not notice. They’re too busy trying to breathe. If they do notice, tell them that you have a chronic groin/sweat problem.
#7 Can I get water along the way?
Probably, yes. There should be a few convenience stores open along the way.
#8 What’s the route?
Starting at the castle, just follow everyone else. They’ll know.
#9 If I’m a lazy shit and want to watch instead, where’s best to sit?
At home. In your garden. Drinking beer.
#10 Can I run in fancy dress?
Only if you’re fat and ugly and want to use it as an excuse to cover up your wobbly bits.
#11 What if I want to quit?
No problem. Just get the next bus home. Loser.
#12 Do I get any freebies?
You get a nice pen and some tissues. That’s it.
#13 Do I get to meet Mo Farah?
If you can catch him, yes.
#14 Which roads will be closed?
Every facking one that leads into town. Commuters and shoppers will hate your guts.
#15 Where is the Runners Village?
No idea mate. Sorry.