15 things you need to know if you’re running the Cardiff Half Marathon

If you’re taking part in this weekend’s Cardiff Half Marathon, here are 15 things that you need to know before you head down to the Welsh capital.

#1 When is it?

This Sunday.

#2 What time should I be at the start?

WalesOnCraic advises that you’re there before the half marathon starts. Otherwise you’ll miss it. Or you could just nip over the fence half way round and do a quarter marathon. No one will really notice or care.

#3 What do I need to bring with me?

Some daps. And some pop if you want.

#4 Where do I stand at the start?

With all the other runners, thicko.

#5 What if I’ve got a bag? Where can I leave it?

Just hide it under a bush or something. Or get one of the other runners to carry it for you.

#6 What if I need a piss?

Just do it as you go along. People will probably not notice. They’re too busy trying to breathe. If they do notice, tell them that you have a chronic groin/sweat problem.

#7 Can I get water along the way?

Probably, yes. There should be a few convenience stores open along the way.

#8 What’s the route?

Starting at the castle, just follow everyone else. They’ll know.

#9 If I’m a lazy shit and want to watch instead, where’s best to sit?

At home. In your garden. Drinking beer.

#10 Can I run in fancy dress?

Only if you’re fat and ugly and want to use it as an excuse to cover up your wobbly bits.

#11 What if I want to quit?

No problem. Just get the next bus home. Loser.

#12 Do I get any freebies?

You get a nice pen and some tissues. That’s it.

#13 Do I get to meet Mo Farah?

If you can catch him, yes.

#14 Which roads will be closed?

Every facking one that leads into town. Commuters and shoppers will hate your guts.

#15 Where is the Runners Village?

No idea mate. Sorry.

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