Wild animals across the world are to launch their own TV channel where they take on fat wankers in unarmed combat. The news comes as the animals have agreed to avoid taking part in Stan Kroenke’s Hunting TV Channel if they can help it.
The animals say that sport isn’t sport unless both sides agree to participate – and that they are also not getting paid for their appearances on Kroenke’s new channel.
One elephant said:
“My mum was just out doing her thing when this fat guy with a small cock came along and shot her in the head for no reason whatsoever. She wouldn’t have minded but she wasn’t asked and also didn’t get paid a fee for it. They chopped her tusks off, took a photo and fucked off. She was well pissed off. It’s happened to some of the other lads around here. One lion came across this fella who shot him from a mile away. He had no chance. So we’ve decided not to take part in this new TV channel unless we get appearance fees. We’ll just go somewhere else and eat lots of grass and stuff.
One hunter said:
“Hunting is a human’s natural instinct. I can take down a huge elephant with my bare hands – with the help of a high-powered rifle from 500 metres away.”
Stan Kroenke was unavailable for comment as he was busy purchasing penis extenders online.