Posted on

BBC to introduce grunt-free Wimbledon

The BBC has introduced a grunt-free version of Wimbledon on its iPlayer.

Viewers will now be offered a No Grunt option by clicking on the red button.

A spokeswoman told WalesOnCraic:

“My husband came home from work last night and thought I was watching lesbian porn. I had to explain to him that it was the women’s tennis but even then, he didn’t believe me. I’ve been into work today and decided that we need to offer our viewers a No Grunt option. We’ve hired a lad to sit there through every game and mute every grunt. We’re paying him minimum wage but have told him that it’ll look good on his CV.”

One tennis player said:

“I like to grunt because it makes the ball travel 10% faster than if I didn’t grunt. It also puts my opposing player off and also makes for dramatic television. I started grunting lessons at the age of 5. I now grunt whenever I exert myself physically, like putting the bins out and lifting my feet while my partner hoovers the living room.”

Posted on

Gatland selects entire 46-man squad to take on All Blacks in second Test

Warren Gatland has picked his entire 46-man squad to take on the All Blacks in the second Test in Wellington

Stuart Hogg has even been called back to join the squad with his big black eye.

A Lions spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We think we’ve picked a team that is capable of taking on the All Blacks. Now that we have the first Test under our belt, we know exactly what we need to beat them and that’s lots more players. Our 46-man squad will be more than three times the size of the All Blacks side so for every Kiwi who gets the ball, three of our lads will go in and smash him. We at need some parity at least and we now think that we’ve got the team to do it.”

The British and Irish Lions fell to a defeat in their opening Test at Eden Park where the All Blacks haven’t been defeated since the early 1990s.

One fan said:

“The ref was awful today. He kept awarding tries to New Zealand whenever he felt like it. He’s a disgrace. Those English, Scottish and Irish players let our Welsh boys down big time.”

Posted on

John Inverdale ‘moist’ as England installed as Six Nations favourites

Sports commentator John Inverdale has reportedly told the press that he is ‘moist’ as England were installed as Six Nations favourites.

England beat everyone in their path last year after going through a long period of winning jack shit.

A spokesman for Mr Inverdale told WalesOnCraic:

“John was very excited to hear that England have been installed as this year’s Six Nations favourites because they are his favourite team in the tournament. John told us that he was ‘moist with excitement’ and having England as clear favourites means that he can talk about them at any time, during any game, and get away with it. John likes to do this anyway, even if it’s a Scotland v Ireland game but he feels that he has justification this year and he’s very excited about it.”

Inverdale will once again be joined by former Welsh international Jonathan Davies, who is looking forward to his stock quotes of ‘inside shoulder’ and ‘maggernifisunt’. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m very much looking forward to saying ‘inside shoulder’ and ‘maggernifisunt’. Not many people know that I don’t get to say these things at any other time of the year so the Six Nations Championship is my chance to let my hair down and say those things as many times as I like.”

The Six Nations kicks off this weekend when Scotland take on Ireland at Murrayfield on Saturday.

Posted on

FIFA to ban National Team Shirt Badges as they are deemed too nationalistic

FIFA are set to ban National Team Shirt Badges as they are deemed too nationalistic.

FIFA’s Ethics Committee fears that the shirt badges may offend other teams. A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We simply cannot have players going on around on TV showing off their national badge. What kind of message does this send to the world? In our great wisdom, we have decided to do away with national team shirt badges and we are also looking into banning any reference to counties by name in case it sends out the wrong political message. We are looking to clean this sport up and we cannot do this when people are blatantly cheering on one country rather than the other. £25k however, and all of this will go away.”

One fan said:

“Well obviously the boys went out there and gave it 110% and obviously, we’ll take all the positives from this game and I said to the boys before the game just go out and enjoy yourselves and obviously all credit to the boys etc…”

Posted on

Sam Allardyce most successful England manager with 100% win record

Sam Allardyce has become England’s most successful manager with 100% win percentage.

Allardyce left his post after being a very naughty boy.

England spokesman Gavin TenBellies told WalesOnCraic:

“We are proud that Sam has given us one glorious win over Slovenia or Slovakia of whatever it’s called. The confidence that the boys will take with them into their next game will be immeasurable. Sam’s 100% win record means he will go down in history as England’s most successful manager and no one can take that away from him.”

England fan Bobby BigMouth said:

“Well obviously the lads have gone out there today and given it 110% and all credit to the other side, they came out here today to win a game so I told the lads to go out there and enjoy themselves and all credit to the lads, they played everything 110% and we’ll take the positives from this game and move onto the next games, fair play to the lads, they gave it 110% and I told them to go out there and enjoy themselves and fair play, they did.”

Sam Allardyce is believed to be lined up to start a new career as Zumba teacher in Barry.

Posted on

Mary Berry set to become new England manager

Former Great British Bake Off host Mary Berry is set to become the new England manager as current manager Sam Allardyce fights off corruption allegations.

Mrs Berry is currently out of work after telling BBC bosses to ‘Go eat a bag of dicks.’

A spokesman said:

“Mary is very keen to take over the reigns of England manager as she’s always loved football. Back in the day, she played for ‘Posh Ladies FC’ as a striker. She could out dribble any of her opponents and she had a killer curler on her. Becoming England manager will give her something to do in between baking cakes.”

A spokesman for the FA said:

“This is the first we’ve heard of it mate. Are you sure you’re not just making this up for some shitty spoof news site?”