Actor Danny ‘Farking’ Dyer has been appointed the new Home Secretary after giving an impassioned speech on Brexit live on TV.
Dyer, who often walks around talking in a London accent, starts his new job on Monday.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“Iss farking mental. I was on the telly last night and the next fing I know, the she-geezer at No 10 is giving us a job. I says ‘No farking way missis. Not on your farking nelly’ but then she told me that I gets a posh car and a new phone. I says ‘Orrite. Keep yer wig on missis’ so I gives her my CV and then next farking thing I know, I’ve been given the job of Home Secretary. I’ve got no idea what I’ve got to do but I guess it’s similar to what I do nar.”
Dyer appeared on Good Evening Britain last night and said the word ‘Twat’ very loudly and with great clarity.
Video Assistant Referee technology is to be implemented into all Welsh School Sports Days.
It follows news that parents are lacing their kids’ Dairylea sandwiches with anabolic steroids and distracting teachers by shouting rude words.
A spokesman for the Welsh Government told WalesOnCraic:
“We’ve been getting many complaints from officials about the cheating that’s been going on in Sports Days across the country. We have therefore taken the bold step of introducing VAR technology across the land to ensure that Sports Days are carried in the manner in which they were created. To fund this, we will be scrapping all teaching and free school dinners. We want our country to be full of champions and we will not tolerate cheats in our schools system.”
One student said:
“What? What you on about? What have we got for tea? Chicken nuggets again? Are you being serious?”
The government has issued a warning for people to not leave doggers in hot cars.
The warning was given after one dogger was found panting and sweating after just 10 minutes in a parked car in Bedwas.
A spokesman for some official-sounding group told WalesOnCraic:
“Every year, we have to say the same thing to the daft people who continue to leave doggers in hot cars. The interior of a car can reach 5,000 degrees, even with the windows open. Yesterday, we went looking and found one dogger in a car who had only been in there for 10 minutes and she was so out of breath that we had to open the door and take a good look at what was going on. She was very grateful of the attention we gave her and some of the lads who were stood around showed their appreciation.”
Martin Tightjeans, who wanted to remain anonymous said:
“I often come around here and I’m always finding hot doggers in cars. I mean doggers in hot cars.”
Experts have confirmed that the current UK heatwave is turning people into grumpy little shits.
The number of grumpy little shits is expected to rise in line with temperatures over the next few days.
Daniel Dingbot of The Society of Grumpy Shits told WalesOnCraic:
“We tend to see a rise in correlation with the seasonal temperatures. We have seen a marked rise in the number of people developing into grumpy little shits this year however. We think it’s down to the fact that it’s too fricking hot and the fact that people are generally arseholes. Can I stop talking now because I’m getting a little bit pissed off that no one is really listening to a word I am saying. I could say anything right now and no one would take a blind bit of notice. Bumflaps. See? No one batted an eyelid. Stupid weather if you ask me.”
The weather is expected to be too fricking hot until further notice.
The heatwave that’s currently sitting its hot, fat arse on Wales will last until it gets cooler again.
Experts say that this type of weather is highly unusual for this time of year because it usually pisses down.
Weather expert Sammi Sphincter told WalesOnCraic:
“I can’t believe how hot it is. It’s like really hot. It’s like hot as somewhere that’s hot. Like Spain or something. You think the government would do something about this heat. We can’t be expected to work in it and it’s all making us very grumpy. I am looking forward to summer.”
Sun worshippers will be pleased to know that the hot weather will last all week at least.
“I love it,” said Gareth Dullard.”I’m going to tan my lovely bollocks.”
Wales is set to be as hot as somewhere else in the world that’s quite hot.
Forecasters have warned gingers to stay indoors and for people to only use hoses to beat annoying neighbours.
A spokesman for the Weather Department of Wales said:
“There’s a ridge of high pressure moving into Wales over the next few days and this will bring temperatures that will make people’s bits very sweaty. We recommend that all gingers stay indoors for the next month and that anyone who wants to use a hose can only do so to beat the shit out of annoying neighbours. There are other places in the world that will be just as hot as we are and they will be comparing their temperatures to us on their news bulletins.”
One beach-goer said:
“I can’t wait. I’ve got my Speedos all washed and ready to go. All I need now is a nice beer and a girl to sit on my face. Sorry. I mean a girl to come and sit on my left. God, I’m mad I am aren’t I?”
Ginger superstar Ed Sheeran has managed to fuck off most of Cardiff during last night’s Principality gig.
Drivers were left cursing the four-eyed fanny magnet as traffic came to a standstill.
One driver told WalesOnCraic:
“I only popped into town to pick up a pint of milk. It took me 4 hours to get out of the car park. And all because Ed decided that he wanted to come and sing here. Why couldn’t he have just released a new album or something? He comes here and tells everyone that he loves Wales and they all love him even more. The guy says the same sort of thing when he’s in Scotland. He’s just a slut. I didn’t get home until 3am and by that point, I was well past having the Cornflakes I’d wanted.”
One Ed Sheeran fan said it was worth the wait:
“We love Edward. His songs are so great that we just loves him.”
Ed is likely to fuck off the people of Cardiff again and again and again as he’s here for 3 more nights.
A psychic sausage roll from Merthyr has correctly predicted all of the World Cup results to date.
The sausage roll forecast that Mexico would beat the Germans and predicts bad news ahead for England.
The sausage roll’s owner, Dennis Dimwit told WalesOnCraic:
“I bought the sausage roll from Greggs a few weeks back but I’d already eaten four corned beef pasties so I popped the sausage roll in the fridge. I love the World Cup so I thought I’d keep the sausage roll for the opening game. I was about to bite into it when Russian took on Saudi Arabia but when I looked, I could see the words ‘5-0 to Russia’ written on the side. I told my wife but she told me to get a life. I popped the sausage roll back in the fridge for the next game. Every game I watched, the sausage roll told me the result beforehand. I’m never going to eat it.”
Dennis said that the sausage roll predicts rough times ahead for England.
“They’ll be out on their arse before they know it,” said Dennis. “That’s what the sausage roll said anyway.”
Lads sending unsolicited dick pics to people is to be a crime from July.
Each month, hundreds of thousands of men send pictures of their dobbers to people in the hope of finding true love. That will all change next month when a new law comes into effect.
A spokesman for the Law Makers’ Society told WalesOnCraic:
“From July, anyone caught sending pictures of their pink oboes to anyone who hasn’t asked for it will face up to 25 years in jail. On a personal level, this is a bit of a shame because I enjoy seducing people by sending them pictures of my acorn. Out of the hundreds of people I’ve sent pictures to, I must say that I’ve not yet found true love so maybe this law will do me some good. People who receive unsolicited dick pics can report them to the police, once they’ve cleared up their vomit from the floor.”
Brenda Slackflaps of 32 Aberdore Road, Caernarfon LL55 1TV, who wanted to remain anonymous said:
“If you’re going to send anything lads, make it a large stash of used notes eh? I’d find that much more attractive. Thanks.”
England coach Eddie Jones is considering taking up a position of sales assistant in Merthyr.
It follows England’s winning streak turning to shit and losing their fifth game in a row.
A spokesman for Mr Eddie told WalesOnCraic:
“He’s finding things tough at the moment. Obviously maintaining a winning run is a hard thing to do but it all seems to be going tits up at the moment. Eddie has spotted a job going at the local Trago Mills store in Merthyr and knowing Eddie, it’s a job he’d take on and turn into a winning position. For a while anyway. He’s had enough of the media getting on his back and he just wants a job where he can turn up, do his work and go home. He’s had enough of being in South Africa and fancies a bit of valleys life.”
A spokesman for Trago Mills said:
“We’ll take a look at his CV yeah but we’ve got the job lined up for Jordanna who currently works in the warehouse. We’ll see.”