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Cardiff coffee shop is giving away free coffee as nation returns to shitty jobs

One of Cardiff’s most famous coffee shops is giving away free coffee to help people return to work.

Grumpy F*ckers Coffee Shop on Gunt Lane said that they were giving away free coffee to alleviate the sense of impending doom for workers returning to their jobs.

Manager Clive GrimGrits told WalesOnCraic:

“We all hate our jobs. I even hate mine. We all drag our sad arses from our lovely cosy homes to these shitty places of work to make money for other people. I had a woman come in this morning who said that she’d actually had her day booked off but some arsehole from her workplace phoned in ‘sick’ so she’s had to go in when she had plans to catch up with her family. Meanwhile, her manager was sunning his lily-white arse in the Caribbean. We thought we’d give away free coffee for people like her, and for the other arseholes who have had to return to work.”

Customer Gillian WonderGunt said:

“Grumpy F*ckers have been very kind to me. They didn’t say a word as they served up my coffee – which was fine by me because I hate speaking to people first thing in the morning.”

Coffee Shop Opens For Non-Morning People

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PROVEN: 96% of mouldy food in fridge is a male’s fault

A recent report has shown that 96% of mouldy food found in fridges is the responsibility of a male.

The report showed that lads failed to check dates on things and didn’t take old food out when filling the fridge up with new stuff.

Professor Colin CleverClogs who ran the study said:

“We found that the boys are actually quite lazy when it comes to chucking out the old stuff. Then they head to Kwik Save and buy more stuff and just shove it all in the fridge. After several months, this results in very mouldy food living at the very back of the fridge. A female is usually the first to spot the mouldy food and an argument usually ensues with the female accusing the male of being lazy. The male will typically respond by saying that he pays for all the food and the female usually responds by saying that it’s a waste of money. The male will then say that it’s his money to waste and the female will then say that the money he’s wasted could have gone on a nice meal out. The male will respond by accusing the female of wasting money on make-up and stuff and the female will respond by accusing the man of having a small penis. The male at this point will often get a bit stroppy and go down the pub to get shit-faced. And all because of a mouldy tomato.”

The report also showed that males were also more likely to use the fridge to store beer rather than fresh vegetables.

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English living in Wales to pronounce ‘tooth’ and ‘saucepan’ correctly to continue living here

A new law has been passed by the Welsh Assembly to enforce English people to pronounce the words ‘tooth’ and ‘saucepan’ correctly.

The new law encourages English people to commit to the Welsh way of life if they want to live here.

An Assembly spokeswoman said:

“They can’t just wander into our country and do things the way they want them to do them. They did that hundreds of years ago and we’re not having it now. The new law requires English people living in Wales to pronounce the words ‘tooth’ and ‘saucepan’ correctly, otherwise they will be asked to pack their bags and leave the country. If they want to live here, they have to abide by our rules and do things the way we do them. How can they stand there and say the word ‘tooth’ like the word ‘booth’ and keep a straight face? I don’t know who they think they are. And as for the way they say ‘saucepan’ – don’t even get me started because I’ll kick off.”

Tarquin Smythe-Peacock, an Englishman living in Wales said:

“This is racism as its worst. I’ll continue to speak the way I want to speak and I don’t care about any new laws.”

Mr Smythe-Peacock has since been deported back to England.

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Woman puts pickled onions away for another year

A woman from Newport has put away her jar of onions for another year.

Doreen GrubbyBaps has been taking the same jar of onions out of her cupboard for the last 12 years.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“Christmas is all about pickled onions. I prefer the darker ones as opposed to those crappy silverskin ones. I bought this particular jar back in 2005. Sadly, no-one took any so I put the jar away and forgot about them. That was until Christmas came around again and my first instinct was to get them back out. It’s something I’ve been doing for 12 years now. Friends have come and gone but my good old jar of picked onions have stayed with me all this time.”

Husband Benny said:

“I can’t stand them. She gets them out every year but no-one ever takes any notice.”

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Queen misses church as one has a ‘hangover from hell’

Queen Elizabeth II has missed her traditional New Year’s Day service after staying in bed with a hangover.

The Queen is said to be recovering after downing 17 Jägerbombs and three bottles of Prosecco.

A spokeswoman said:

“One doesn’t like to normally drink but one wanted to see in the New Year in style. One went to the Eazy Booze shop and stocked up on drink and fags. One started the celebrations early and by 7pm, one was already hanging. One did go a bit overboard with the Prosecco and by midnight, one was telling everyone that one loved one. One is therefore feeling pretty rough this morning and has decided to stay in bed with one’s dogs. It may take a few days for one to recover properly.”

One party-goer said:

“She had a go on the karaoke but was shit. I pushed her off the stage and she came back and threw a bottle in my face. One was out of control.”

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Woman gets paid $3 million to be twatted in the face

An American woman has accepted $3 million in return for being twatted in the face.

Ronda Rousey took several twattings to the chops in exchange for the large sum of money.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“They sat me down and offered me a shit load of money if I was able to get smacked in the mouth. I thought about it for a while but then I said yes. They put me in this cage thing with this mad Brazilian woman. I wasn’t scared because I can usually handle myself. I thought I’d sneak in a few punches myself but before I knew it, I was getting twatted left, right and centre. I didn’t know what day it was. Next thing I knew, I was on my way out of the cage to pick up my cheque. It was a large cheque, like the ones that used to get handed to Terry Wogan during broadcasts of Children in Need.”

Rousey’s manager said:

“She did well. We can all go home now and buy ourselves some posh cars.”

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Trump announces Dr Hannibal Lecter as Director of Health and Human Services

President-elect Donald Trump has announced Dr Hannibal Lecter as the new Director of Health and Human Services.

Trump made the announcement on Twitter, from where he leads the Western world.

A Trump aide told WalesOnCraic:

“Dr Hannibal Lecter is one of Donald’s most trusted friends. He took Dr Lecter to dinner to break the news to him, where the pair dined on liver and Chianti. They discussed how they’d like to move things forward once Mr Trump is in office and Dr Lecter was very flattering to our new president elect.”

Dr Lecter told reporters:

“He’s a remarkable boy. He really admire his courage and he has a great heart. I’ll be introducing Mr Trump to my family over the next few weeks and it’ll be nice to have a Mr Trump over for dinner one night. I’m very much looking to starting my new job and I’m sure that together, we can make America great again.”

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Shopper spends 3 hours picking up coins placed on counter by checkout girl

A shopper has spent three hours picking up coins that were placed on the counter by the checkout girl.

Julie LargeCalves was given £4.31 in coins which took her three hours to scrape up.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“If she’d have given me the change in my hand, I could have had the afternoon to myself catching up on things that I needed to catch up on. Instead, this dopey mare gave me all my change and placed it on the counter. I’d not long had my nails done because I’m going down the club later tonight and it took me three hours to pick up all the coins.”

Shop manager Roger Rarebit said:

“Our staff are trained not to touch people in case we offend them or get charged with serious assault. We also train our staff to place all coins on top of notes so that the shopper has to put down the bags that they were carrying in their spare hand so that they can take the coins off the note to put it back in their purse.”

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Roly Polys to perform at Trump’s inauguration

It’s not been a secret that the stars were lined up to perform at the inauguration of Hilary Clinton, but Donald Trump has been having real problems in finding any big name stars to perform at his. This follows his surprise victory.

HOWEVER, WalesOnCraic’s North American Entertainment Reporter, Hiram Tumblemuff can report that a big name has finally been signed up. The Roly Polys dance troupe that used to perform with the great comedian, Les Dawson.

It appears that Trump was entertaining his new best buddy, Nigel Farage to dinner. Farage brought a DVD over of Les Dawson and Trump was infatuated by the performances of the Roly Polys dance troupe led by Mo Moreland.

“Nigel, can you get the Roly Polys to perform at my inauguration as it will make up for the lack of names like Bruce Springstein and Beyu let me once,” said Trump.

“Of course, Donald. If you let me have a budget of $5million,” Nigel Farage is understood to have asked for.

WalesOnCraic have approached the Roly Polys manager, who said:

“The Roly Polys haven’t performed for years. Death, ill health and age has meant that they are not on top of their act.”

When told of the $5m budget, their manager said :

“I will get Mo and the girls together and hold interviews if necessary, to fill any places that are vacant.”

WalesOnCraic also spoke to President Elect Trump’s negotiating team to verify the story. Elmer Fuddscrote said:

“Donald has learnt that you can tell people anything and they will believe it. He tried it out on the British electorate in the EU Referendum campaign when he suggested that people would vote for £350m a week extra for the NHS. It worked and people believed it. The fact that the money isn’t there and people aren’t taking to the streets is evidence that voters believe any old bollocks given to them.”

WalesOnCraic spoke to one of the Roly Polys. Ethel Bumscratch said:

“I’m the youngest at 88 and can’t wait to show Trump and the American people that we deserve the number 1 billing as Beyonce and Lady Gargoyle won’t be appearing as they are having their hair done.”

Meanwhile tickets for Trump’s inauguration are currently on sale on Ebay and 10,000 will soon be on sale at Poundland.

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Elf on Shelf exposed as Russian spy

elf-on-a-shelf

An elf on a shelf has been exposed as a Russian spy, according to a Welsh cyber expert.

It has been claimed that the elf was trying to influence the outcome of who got what at a family Christmas.

The source, who didn’t want to be named told WalesOnCraic:

“I had it on good authority that this elf was sent specifically by Russian officials. The elf that we had was fully equipped with cameras and microphones that was sending back information back to Russia. We understand that the Russians were trying to influence who got what at Christmas. Following on from their attempt to influence the US elections, we now fear that they are looking to influence our Western Christmases.”

A Kremlin spokesman said:

“Load of bollocks if you ask me, mate.”