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Wales First call for Corona pop to be reinstated in Welsh homes

Welsh nationalist group Wales First has called for Corona pop to be reinstated in all Welsh homes.

The group said that the current generation is missing out on the fizzy magic and cashback scheme.

Wales First spokesman Iolo ap Iolo told WalesOnCraic:

“We believe that the current millennials or whatever they’re called are missing out on a real Welsh treat. Only a few days ago, I was in a meeting with some Sixth Formers and one of them asked me if I wanted a drink. I told them that I’d just passed my Fizzical and that I’d have a Dandelion & Burdock Corona please and they looked at me as if I’d just told them that I’d shagged their mothers. There was silence for about 3 minutes and my jovial laughter soon died out. I had to explain that Corona pop was delivered on the back of a lorry in my day. They still looked at me as if I was a nobhead. I believe it is our duty as a political force to pressure this Welsh government into making Corona an essential part of the Welsh diet. All this Welsh government has done for me has been to collect my bins and even then, they leave my wheelie bin not where I left it.”

Wales First said that they’d add the drive to bring back Corona to their manifesto when they can be arsed to write it.

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Kanye West officially changes his name to Ye Cockwomble

US rapper Kanye West has officially changed his name to Ye Cockwomble.

West, who opens Abertillery Catholic Mothers’ Union Jumble Sale next month, changed his name by deed poll yesterday.

A spokesman for the superstar told WalesOnCraic:

“Kanye has asked not to be questioned on his new choice of name. We think he’s following in the footsteps of the artist formerly known as Prince except that Prince had some musical talent and wasn’t a massive bellend. Kanye went down to Acme Solicitors Ltd yesterday morning and the man there said that he could change his name to whatever he wanted. Kanye was stuck for a while so the kind chap there suggested Ye Cockwomble. Kanye loved the idea so that’s what he’s going to be called from now on.”

Kanye will be visiting Wales next month when he tours the South Wales leisure centres. He’ll be performing a live set at Barry Leisure Centre in November, next to the vending machine.

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Woman uses military-grade flamethrower to remove spider from her bath

A woman from Treorchy has used a military-grade flamethrower to remove a large spider from her bath.

Emily Softcheeks was about to soak her fat arse when she noticed the spider on her bottle of Timotei.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s always the same. I get 10 minutes to relax before I have to put the kids to bed and what happens – a frigging spider comes along to ruin my day. I’d already had a tough afternoon – I’d dropped my phone down the toilet and then tripped over my knickers getting undressed. All I wanted was a nice bath. The spider was about as big as a saucepan and he was just sat there looking at me with his 8 eyes. I’d been pushed too far. I remembered that my son had ordered a military-grade flamethrower off Amazon to play with when he’s out with his butties. I clambered back out of the bath, loaded up the flamethrower and zapped the spider. You should have seen his face! He had the shock of his life! No one messes with Emily Softcheeks on a bad day!”

Emily is currently looking for new accommodation. Fireman took 5 hours to bring the inferno under control.

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Penarth fisherman catches two-headed fish

A fisherman from Penarth has caught a two-headed fish off the local pier.

Simon Bigballs was fishing last night when he caught the two-faced bastard.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I was a surprised as anyone. I thought I’d gone mad. I had a pull on my line so I reeled the bastard in and the next thing I know, I’ve got a two-faced fish on my lap. I wasn’t sure which head to smack to I twatted both of them and it soon stopped wriggling. I think it’s something to do with this new radioactive mud that’s being dumped just off the coast. Only yesterday, I pulled in this fish and it was glowing so much that it lit the way home for me.”

Council officials have been quick to defend the dumping of the toxic waste. Shelly Backfat said:

“Whilst it’s true that this mud is radioactive, there is absolutely no reason to panic or worry because it’s bringing us in lots of money to pay for our new company cars,” she said through her arsehole.

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Met Office issues Wheelie Bin warning for Wales

The Met Office has issued a yellow warning of wind for Monday night and has advised the people of Wales to secure their wheelie bins.

The arse end of Storm Helene is due to arrive in Wales on Monday night, potentially causing damage to patio chairs and small plant pots.

A spokeswoman from the Met Office said:

“Storm Helene will be lumbering into Wales on Monday, just after Coronation Street. Winds are likely to get quite stiff (oo-er missis) and we do expect some property to get damaged. We are advising all residents of Wales to make sure that their wheelie bins are fastened down. We had some people ignore this advice last time we had a storm and some people found that their wheelie bins had moved during the storm. We even had one dickhead who found his wheelie bin on the roof of his house but we suspect that he put that there so he could get into the local newspapers.”

Winds are expected to get quite windy overnight Monday. That’s a technical term by the way.

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Wetherspoons locals to star in new Terrahawk series

wetherspoons

Customers from a local Wetherspoons pub are to star in a new series of the popular Terrahawk show.

Revellers from the Newport pub were asked en masse by the show’s producers to star in the new show last night.

One local told WalesOnCraic:

“We was sat having a drink, minding our own business when these creative type of people came in. You could tell that they were creatives because you could smell them before you saw them. They came in and bought some Babycham and then started looking around at the surroundings. It felt like we were being eyed up and after a few minutes, one of them came over to us and asked us if we drank her often. I thought he was after my body because I get this all the time in Wetherspoons. But he went on to explain that he was making a new Terrahawk series and that we all looked ideal for parts they’d planned for their new series. They told us that they wouldn’t pay us much because of Brexit but they said that we’d be featured in all the local newspapers. I loved the Terrahawks when I was younger. My favourite character was Zelda because she looked like my missis.”

Bar manager Gary Arsehole said:

“They just told us to stop the music and asked everyone in one go. They all said yes.”

Filming of the new series starts next month.





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Teachers book in ‘Inset Day’ to get over having 6 weeks off work

Teachers across Wales have booked in a so-called Inset Day to get over having six weeks off work.

Teachers will get together with other teachers and moan about how much marking they had to do during their month and a half off work.

One teacher told WalesOnCraic:

“We pretend that we are doing some kind of training but in fact, we’ll just sit around with large mugs of coffee having a moan. Some of us moan more than others because they’re the ones who took home a year’s worth of school books to mark because they couldn’t be arsed to do it during the year. Others will talk about how their amazing partner whisked them off to New York for two weeks. But most of us will moan.”

Like their pupils, teachers have six weeks off work during the height of summer but unlike their pupils, teachers get full pay.

“We can’t really moan it but it’s so hard coming back to work that we’ve booked in this Inset Day to try and cheer ourselves up.”

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Shock as cyclist uses dedicated £3,000,000 cycle path

A Cardiff cyclist has shocked bystanders by using a dedicated cycle path.

Bradley ‘Wiggins’ Tightarse says he usually prefers to use the public roads because it’s his human right.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I usually like to cycle on the roads because I can annoy more people that way. When I cycle to work, I often look over at the £3,000,000 cycle path and wonder what it’d be like to ride on there. A few days ago, I was feeling wild and reckless so I took my bike on there to see how it rode. Before I knew it, the paparazzi turned up and people were stood there gawping. I thought my cock had flopped out, judging by the way that people were looking at me. I rejoined the main road and that was that.”

One eyewitness said he couldn’t believe what he was seeing:

“He just came riding down the cycle path without a car in the world. I’m usually stuck behind him on the road so to say that I was surprised was an understatement.”

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7 incredible, amazing, you-must-read click-bait facts about Welsh valley villages!

1 Welsh valley villages are only found in Wales… although there is rumoured to be a little-known community called Cwmbackhome in the French Pyrenees thought to be populated by Welsh football fans who failed to return home from the 2016 Euros. (Reports of Welsh villages in Patagonia are elaborate lies made up by S4C film crews anxious to jet off on a jolly to South America to make fictional documentaries).

2 Welsh valley villages are generally found on the side of mountains, although there are several special ‘pretend’ villages in our cities for people who are posh and don’t like walking up hills.

3 Welsh valley villages were invented by Gren and populated entirely by cartoon characters and sheep.

4 A Welsh valley village must have a boarded-up pub, rugby pitch and clubhouse, Spar, drug dealer, a chapel converted to flats, a school under threat of closure and several houses joined together.

5 Tribalism is very important and every valleys village has two sworn enemies… the villages either side of it.

6 A true Welsh valley village has at least 3 streets with gradients of 1 in 10 where wheelie bins have to be parked at 90 degrees angles to the kerb to prevent them from rolling away.

7 Every Welsh valley village has someone whose grandmother once snogged Tom Jones behind the social club.

Welsh cultural historian Dai Yesterday told Walesoncraic, ‘The first Welsh valley villages were built ages ago, before the council stuck their noses into planning, so they are all to fuck.

‘They decided to build them on hillsides so that all the shit would roll away into the river below; that’s why you always have the big posh houses on the top of the village.

‘They have enjoyed a boom of late thanks to the media flocking to them to report on how crap life is there. This has resulted in an influx in earnings thanks to the ransom money paid for their safe return. This only backfired once when one local gang, The Terry Cobner Terrace Crew, had to pay the Western Mail a fiver to take their reporter, Tefion Typo, back.’

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Huge search off Welsh coast for British summer continues overnight

A large-scale search has been launched off the coast of Wales to look for the missing summer weather.

Boats, helicopters and even a man in a boat with a pair of binoculars were seen heading out to sea off Cardigan this afternoon.

A coastguard told WalesOnCraic:

“We had them all here. They all had some tea together and then they all went out looking for our summer. It was like that scene off of Jaws where they all go out looking for the big man. They weren’t out that long because it got a bit dark and some of the lads get a bit scared of the dark but we’ve got a few brave souls who’ll be out looking for the sun all night. Hopefully they’ll find it before daybreak.”

The UK has been sweating its bollocks off for months and months now but rain rudely moved in today (Sunday) which annoyed those who were hoping to have a barbeque.

“I’ve been waiting all summer for my dickhead husband to put the barbecue together and the day he finally does something about it, it pisses down,” said one angry wife.