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Meaningless statistics increase by 17.4%

Meaningless statistics have increased by 17.4%, a 5.6% increase on last year’s statistics.

The new figures show that there are now 17.4% meaningless statistics than there were four years ago.

Frankie BoggleEyes, Chief Statician at the Institute of Statistics and Numbers and Stuff told WalesOnCraic:

“This is a big increase in meaningless statistics, especially bearing in mind the statistics we’ve been looking at for the last few months. Many factors have come into play – things like the price of Freddo bars and stuff. If this increase is reflective of what’s likely to come in the future, we’ll be seeing more meaningless statistics being published in the future. It’ll certainly keep us on our toes – we haven’t seen an increase in meaningless statistics like this since the last rise of meaningless statistics.”

BoggleEyes was quick to point out that the figures should be take in context of other meaningless statistics:

“We should take this increase in meaningless statistics in context with other statistics so that I can stay in a job.”

The case continues tomorrow.

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This is the heart-warming clickbait moment that we purport to be news – and it will leave you speechless

[EDITOR’S INSTRUCTIONS: Whoever’s looking after this piece – can you chuck something in the headline based around the word heart – something like heart-warming, heart-breaking, heart-stopping, heart-any-old-shit as long as it’s got the word heart in it. Can you add the word speechless in there too – people really want to be left without being able to speak and it really draws the numbers in.

As far as the story goes, find any old shit off the internet that’s gone viral. If you can give it a Welsh spin on things, no matter how tenuous the link, so much the better. You can usually pull something off someone’s Facebook page and spend a few paragraphs describing the Facebook page and what kind of reactions it got. Remember to ask the user’s permission to use their video and make money off it. Dogs being reunited with their owners are usually good clickbait stories because people want to see if the owner cries. If they cry, you’re on to a winner. Ideally, we want an inane story about jack shit that people will want to share with their thicko friends.

Remember to add in some links to some of our other clickbait stories too, like this one.

In terms of monetising the post, our advertising boys will take care of that. If you can find a video, let us know because we can add a 3 minute advert before the 13 second clip. We’ll also post shitloads of pop-ups and other adverts so it doesn’t really need to be well written because no-one will be able to get to it anyway.

Images – just grab some shit off the web.

Once you’ve written it, submit it for review and our subs will take care of the rest. We’ll get analytics on it once it’s live and if we can make a bit of money off this clickbait post, there’ll be an extra biscuit for you waiting in the staff cupboard. Thanks. Ed]

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Tories plan to tax masturbation if they are re-elected

A leaked memo from 10 Downing Street has shown that the Tories are planning to tax masturbation should they be returned to government.

The Tories say that the tax is necessary to make up the shortfall left by tax-dodging billionaires.

A source told WalesOnCraic:

“Happiness is something that should not be encouraged. That’s why we are planning to tax happiness and anything that bring happiness. This includes drinking, smoking, sex and of course, masturbation. The last thing we want to see are people walking around with big smiles on their faces. This country is getting too carried away with itself and all this fun and laughter. Masturbation is a disgusting and immoral activity and must be discouraged at all costs. Taxing masturbation will allow us to make up the huge shortfall in the Government’s coffers that has come about thanks to the super-rich not paying their taxes. We want the small people, people like you, to help us and you can do that by taxing your masturbation.”

One wanker, who didn’t want to be identified as James Flannel of 32, Heol-y-Gors, Hengoed, CF82 7NX, and who works in Currys, said:

“They won’t be taxing me. I’ll be taking my wanking underground. They’re not getting a penny from me. I’ll just not declare anything on my tax returns. That’ll tell ’em.”

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Labour will make every day Christmas if elected

Labour have announced that they will make every day Christmas if they are elected to power in June’s election.

The announcement comes hot on the heels of their latest pledge to give people four more Bank Holidays in a year if elected.

A spokesman said:

“Everyone loves a bit of Christmas and in the words of the great Roy Wood, we all wish it could be Christmas every day. Shakin’ Stevens said something similar I believe, as did Mariah Carey. We are looking to appeal to fans of these great artists, and to all fans of Christmas with this new pledge. It would mean that all the shops would be closed every day, apart from the local Spar because they never seem to close. Everyone would have turkey for dinner every day and your rosy cheeks are gonna light my merry way. We’ll also be making an announcement in due course where we will be offering free Christmas trees to everyone who voted for us.”

Critics point out that it’s a shit idea.

“It’s a shit idea,” said the critic.

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Queen to celebrate 91st birthday by getting shit-faced and watching YouTube till 4am

The Queen is to celebrate her 91st birthday by getting shit-faced and watching YouTube videos till 4am.

One has ordered in four bottles of Blue Nun and told Philip to fawk off out for the night.

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace told WalesOnCraic:

“One was planning on having a quiet one but decided to get some Blue Nun at the last minute. She’s ordered Prince Philip to head down to the local tonight so that she can stay up late watching YouTube videos. From recent experience, one likes to start the evening watching some re-runs of Ascot but as the night goes on, you’ll find one headbanging to Def Leppard and Europe. We’ve got everything prepared for the morning – Alka Seltzer, strong coffee and a sick bucket. One does tend to overdo these birthday celebrations.”

HRH also celebrated last year’s birthday alone, apart from a 50 Shades of Gray DVD, a bottle of gin and some new batteries. She is celebrating her 91st birthday this year because she was born 91 year ago. She’s also planning on getting shit-faced at her official birthday celebrations at the Trooping of the Colour later this year.

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Jeremy Corbyn arrives in Cardiff and announces ‘Yay! I got a seat on the train!’

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn arrived in Cardiff this afternoon and announced to the waiting crowds that he’d managed to get a seat on the train on the way down.

Mr Corbyn struggles to find available seats on trains, even when they are empty.

He told crowds in Whitchurch:

“Our Prime Minister has called a snap election and now is the time for us to tell her what we really think about getting seats on trains. On the way here, I was once again sat on the floor of the train. I couldn’t even take my sandals off because everyone kept tripping over me. In the end, one of my bouncers managed to throw and old granny out of her seat and I sat there until I got to Cardiff. As luck would have it, the old granny had just bought a bacon bap and a coffee from the buffet car and it was very kind of her to leave it for me. I was very careful not to eat it like Miliband did as I know what these photographers are like.”

Mr Corbyn hopes to become the first Prime Minister in British history to have a beard.

“I’m hoping to become the first Prime Minister in British history to have a beard. And what a fine beard it is.”

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British and Irish Lions build reinforced nuclear bunkers for Ross Moriarty to smash into in training

British and Irish Lions management have built reinforced nuclear bunker concrete walls for Ross Moriarty to run through in training for the forthcoming tour of New Zealand.

Moriarty demolished an entire forest in training ahead of this year’s Six Nations tournament.

Training coach Dai Hard told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s hard as nails this guy. We did have a few Canadian Redwood trees on the paddock but he made short work of them. Luckily, we heard that a local nuclear bunker was being dismantled so we went down with a skip and nicked a few of their walls. It’s the only thing that will satisfy Moriarty’s love of smashing into things and destroying them.”

Armchair coach Jerry Fatarse was excited to hear the news. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I love watching Ross play. I think every one of the Welsh lads should play his style – run the fack into things very fast and to hell with the consequences. It’ll scare the shit out of the opposition.”

The British and Irish Lions kick off their tour of New Zealand in June. If you didn’t already know.

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Architects told to stop mocking Tudor buildings

Architects across the UK have been told to stop mocking Tudor buildings.

Tudor buildings have long been the butt of architects’ jokes and the Government wants to see an end to it.

A spokesman said:

“Tudor buildings have feelings, the same as any other building. Why is it acceptable that they are publicly mocked while other styles of building aren’t? In this day and age, this is simply unacceptable. We want architects to stop this mocking at once. We are seeking to bring in a new law to stop this barbaric practice.”

Architect Jon Two-by-Two said:

“This is a pathetic attempt at humour. This joke is as old as the Tudor buildings themselves. Haven’t you got anything else you can write about? There’s an election coming up don’t you know? Why don’t you write about that instead? Oh yes, that’s right. You’re suffering from writer’s block and are now writing any old shit to get laughs. Well that just about sums you up. Away with you fools.”

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Welsh Assembly to spend £3bn on teaching Green Cross Code to hedgehogs

The Welsh Assembly Government is to spend £3bn on teaching hedgehogs road safety awareness.

Hedgehogs will be visited in their homes by the Green Cross Code man who will show them how to cross roads safely.

A spokesman for the Welsh government said:

“I’m sick of driving to work every morning from my very large mansion and seeing very wide yet very flat hedgehogs. I’ve taken it upon myself to introduce this new bill so that I don’t have to look at run over hedgehogs on my way to work once a month. £3 billion of tax payer money will be spent on educating the little critters about the importance of the Green Cross Code. We asked Dave Prowse to come along and help but he said that he’s got lots more important things to do like watch telly. We will therefore be looking to employ 30,000 new Green Cross Code men who will visit hedgehogs in their homes wherever they are, and to teach them the basics. Hopefully, by the time I next go to work at Christmas, there will be no dead hedgehogs on my road.”

One hedgehog was critical of the new plans. He told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s not education we need. We know that roads are dangerous. It’s just our legs are too frigging short to get us anywhere quick. As soon as Jonny Boy Racer comes hurtling round the corner at 90mph in his Vauxhall Corsa, it’s a game of Russian Roulette.”

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Theresa May launches her own School Of Motoring

Prime Minister Theresa May has launched her own School Of Motoring.

The new school will specialise in performing spectacular U-turns and looking after one’s interests at any cost.

Manager Tarquin Farquin told WalesOnCraic:

“Mrs May is an expert in the field of U-turns and we thought that we could sell this knowledge onto motorists who were looking to achieve the same amount of skills as our beloved leader. Lessons will cost just £7.50 an hour and we will take you through all of her most famous of U-turns, such as the welcome pause in the go ahead the new nuclear power plant at Hinkley Point before approving the same deal under lovely George Osborne. All of our students will get a badge, some fluffy dice and gift certificate once they’ve passed as many U-turns as Mrs May has, at which point, they can consider themselves experts in the field.”

Learner driver Betty Bumflaps said:

“I’ve always wanted to learn how to do spectacular U-turns and now this is my chance. I’m really looking forward to getting my fluffy dices I am.”