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World Gin Day just an excuse to get totally arseholed

World Gin Day has been dubbed as just an excuse to get arseholed.

The international event will see people all over the world getting arseholed on the popular tipple.

One of the event’s organisers told WalesOnCraic:

“Gin has come full circle since the days of William Hogarth, whose images depicted that of people getting totally shit-faced across Britain. The drink is now back in the popular realm and we are delighted to see people getting totally wankered just like they did back in the 1700s. World Gin Day will allow people from any country to neck as much gin as they can. We are fully expecting to see people falling over, shagging, laughing and most of all, crying. As we all know, gin is a depressive but after the events of last night, people will want to let their hair down and have a good blow out.”

But one critic said that it was all just an excuse to get shit-faced:

“Most of us need an excuse to get bladdered and this event provides just that. I for one, will not be taking part in this piss-a-thon. It’s bad for your health, your wallet and relationships. Hardcore drugs are the way to go and we all know that.”

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UK wakes up to new national clusterfuck

The UK has woken up to a new national clusterfuck after Theresa May’s attempt to consolidate power went spectacularly tits up.

The outcome follows the second call for a national vote that didn’t need to happen within a year.

A spokesman for Downing Street said:

“We’ve totally bollocksed this up we have. Alright, our majority as it was, was tight. But it was a majority. Theresa had better start looking in the Jobs section of the Echo later today – apparently Tesco are looking for some overnight shelf stackers so she may want to look into that. Just less of the ‘strong and stable’ catchphrases and we think she might be in with a chance.”

An early exit poll suggested that there could be a hung parliament and this was borne out overnight.

Voter Gerry LardArse told WalesOnCraic:

“Looks like the kids came out for this one. I think that they were worried about the price of Freddos if we were going to be doing a hard Brexit. Whatever your politics, please please please make sure you head out and vote in six weeks time.”

David Dimbleby meanwhile had told reporters that he’s going to get shit-faced when he finally gets home.

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Don’t forget to vote – Love Island needs you

The UK is being reminded about the importance of voting – as the storylines on Love Island hot up for another year.

The popular TV show features dull-as-shit personalities vying for attention, and hoping to validate their self-worth.

Producer Glenn Dullard told WalesOnCraic:

“This is a time for our country to unite. Whatever anyone says about our septic isle set in a silver sea, nothing can take away our love for banality. Love Island is the perfect show for those people whose brains can only focus on plastic tits and fake tans. We call upon the people of the UK to come together at this very important time and vote for those who they want to see win Love Island. Only then can we really know who our winner will be.”

Fan Freda Saddo said:

“I loves Love Island I does.”

Love Island is a TV show in which a group of narcissists talk about which ones they fancy and which ones they don’t.”

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Ariana Grande takes election poll lead

Singer Ariana Grande has taken the lead in the latest election polls.

The 23 year-old American has shown how to unite a country in a time of need.

A spokesman for pollsters Polls-4-U told WalesOnCraic:

“I think we’ve all been impressed by this woman’s ability to bring us all together. If she can even manage to get Liam Gallagher out of bed, we think that she can just about achieve anything. Our latest poll shows that 55% of people would like to see this woman as our next Prime Minister. She’s good-looking, can belt out a cracking tune and of course, she’s got the people’s backing.”

One participant of the poll said:

“I’d pick Ariana any day. Get her into 10 Downing Street I say. Whatever proposals she puts in front of the Queen, we’ll have them. No questions asked.”

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Woman files for divorce after husband opens new loaf of bread without finishing the previous one

A woman from Treherbert has filed for divorce after her husband opened a loaf of bread before finishing the previous one.

Emma Wondergunt claims that her husband had no reason to open a new loaf as their previous loaf still had six perfectly good slices in it.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“The man’s a disgrace. Every day he’s up that bloody shop buying more bread and when he comes back, he’ll open the new loaf he’s just gone and bought. Why not finish the loaf he already had? I’ve spoken to him about this every day since we first moved in together. I warned him. I said ‘You carry on doing this and I’ll divorce you’. But did he listen? No. The daft twat just kept opening a new loaf every time he bought them. We’ve got unfinished loaves in our bread tin that are three months old. I’m filing for divorce on the grounds that the man is a twat.”

Husband Benny said:

“She can stick the divorce up her arse. She’s always leaving her dirty knickers in the bathroom so she’s not the only one with a grudge to bear.”

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Girl takes 500 selfies to get the perfect shot

A girl from Pencoed has taken 500 selfies to get a perfect shot.

Debbie Tightflaps took the 500 selfies in Munters nightclub last night.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I just couldn’t get it right. Either my hair was wrong or my face wasn’t quite right. In one of the photos, some dickhead wandered into shot and he was a right ugly twat. I filled my whole phone up with all these photos until I got the right one. I didn’t realise how many I was taking. I finally got the photo I wanted. I put it on Facebook and no bastard liked it. I was gutted. I hate my friends. All of them. As far as I’m concerned, they’re not my friends any more.”

Debbie’s friend said:

“We were out down the club for three hours. Debbie spent two of those hours pouting and taking selfies so we left her there in the end.”

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May’s money tree found providing tax breaks to the super-rich

Theresa May’s missing Money Tree has been found providing tax breaks to the super-rich.

The Prime Minister has missed several TV debates looking for the mythical tree.

A spokesman for Downing Street told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been looking for this bloody tree everywhere. We knew it existed because we know that the rich were just getting richer. We just couldn’t figure out where it was. Finally, we found it down the back of our settee.”

Mrs May finally put in an appearance on TV last night at a Question Time Special. She told the audience that she hadn’t been on telly because she’d been looking for this tree. Jeremy Corbyn also put in an appearance and told the audience that he wanted to take Mrs May outside.

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May calls in 20,000 soldiers to replace the 20,000 police she cut

Prime Minister Theresa May has called in 20,000 soldiers to replace the 20,000 police officers she has cut from duty.

She told reporters that it was cheaper to use the soldiers since they already on the government’s payroll.

A spokeswoman told WalesOnCraic:

“Mrs May is committed to providing a strong and stable whatever-it’s-called. She has figured that replacing the 20,000 police officers with soldiers means that she can save paying 20,000 police officers a wage while still maintaining some kind of security for our lovely country. It also means that the men and women who are now patrolling our streets also get big guns, which makes our government look strong and stable. I’ll repeat that phrase once again because we love it so much – strong and stable. Strong and stable. I’ll keep on repeating it until it’s burnt into your brain. Strong and stable.”

A soldier said:

“Just doing my job.”

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Camping officially renamed as ‘divorce in a bag’

The outdoor pastime of camping is to be officially renamed as ‘divorce in a bag’.

It follows recent domestic problems as couples struggle to pitch their tents.

Camper Dennis Wideface told WalesOnCraic:

“It’s the wife’s fault. She thinks she knows how to get a tent up when in fact, it’s only us men who know how to get a tent up. On our recent camping holiday, I would have had the tent up in ten minutes. However, my wife decided that I needed to follow the instructions and the thing took 4 days to erect. These women think that they know it all.”

His wife Debbie said:

“It’s all the husband’s fault. He thinks he knows how to get a tent up when in fact, it’s actually us women who can think things through logically and get it done. On our recent camping holiday, I would have had that tent up in 10 minutes but my dickhead husband decided not to read the instructions so it took us 4 days. These men think that they know it all.”

5 year old son Jimmy added:

“Can I have something to eat please? I haven’t eaten in a week.”

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Tories to provide silver spoons for party donors’ newborns

The Conservative Party have announced that they will provide free silver spoons for newborns of their donors.

The party said that they would fund the new scheme by stopping state pensions and heating allowances for the elderly.

Spokesman Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:

“The world is a very unstable place at the moment. We need to look after our own which is why we are offering free silver spoons to newborns of all our supporters, especially those who donate vast amounts of money to our party. Now is not a time to worry about the weak and sick in society. If you watch any nature programme, you will find that life really is about the survival of the fittest. We will therefore be funding our new scheme by taking away and help for pensioners. They are a blight on our society and we will all be better off without them quite frankly.”

The Tories have already insisted that they will be taking free school meals away from children.

“Who needs food?” said Smythe-Peacock. “It’s very over-rated these days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the party banquet. Ciao.”