UK News

Spiders planning an autumn of terror

fuck off spider

Spiders across the UK are reportedly in the final stages of planning an autumn of terror.

The arachnids have been breeding like bastards and plotting dark corners to jump out of onto unsuspecting passers-by.

One spider told WalesOnCraic:




“Me and the missis have been banging away all summer to make sure that we’ve got millions of eggs ready to hatch come autumn. My poor old wife’s been popping them out at a rate of 300,000 a day but hopefully by the time the kids go back to school, there’ll be lots of little baby spiders walking around. We are planning to really scare people this year. We’ve mastered the art of hiding under people’s pillows so that we can pop out at night time and walk all over their faces. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Spider expert Prof. Simon Spindlegs said that spiders are also eating shitloads of flies and are hoping to be twice the size they were this time last year.

“We’re expecting spiders the size of your head to pop out behind you while you’re watching Coronation Street this year.”

The spiders are hoping to launch their campaign sometime in September.



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