Posted on

England open top victory bus tour now downgraded to sight-seeing tour

The planned open top Euro 2016 Victory Tour has been downgraded to a sightseeing tour for tourists.

It follows England’s humiliating defeat to Iceland and subsequent trip back to the UK.

Darren Boakes, organiser of the open-top tour told WalesOnCraic:

“We had the bus booked out and painted out nicely with a big Euro 2016 Winners emblem splashed on the side. Now that our boys have been sent home packing, we’ve had to downgrade the tour to just a tour of London. I’ve got some nice Union Jack flags that people can buy before they become a collector’s item. I’ve also got a lovely line of England football shirts that visitors can take home to use to clean their windows with. It’s not all bad.”

England football fan Andy TripleGunt added:

“We wuz robbed mate. I ain’t going on no fakking bus tour. I’d rather fakking throw a few chairs at people, y’naa I mean pal?”

Posted on

Wales and England to sit looking at each other for 80 minutes to avoid unnecessary injuries

Wales and England have agreed to sit and look at each other for 80 minutes in tomorrow’s friendly at Twickenham to avoid any unnecessary injuries.

Last autumn’s friendly matches saw Wales lose several of their key players through injury in what many described as unnecessary games.

A spokesman for the WRU told WalesOnCraic:

“Obviously, the lads have gone out there today and given it 100% and obviously all credit to the other side obviously. I told the lads to come out here today and enjoy themselves and obviously all credit to the other side and obviously, we’ll take the positives from this game and take it onto our next game because obviously we only take one game at a time and that’s what I always say to the lads except at half time when I tell them to get their fingers out their arses and to take one game at a time and obviously, we’ll take the positives from this game and look forward to the next game cos yeah.”

A spokesman for England Rugby said:

“What ho, cheps.”

Posted on

Swansea City shock favourites to win Premiership title

Swansea City FC have been installed as shock favourites to win the 2016-17 Premiership title following the precedent set by Leicester City FC this season.

Like Leicester they removed a popular young English manager and replaced him with a barely credible elderly Italian that nobody had previously heard of.

Jack Jackson of the Swansea City Supporters Trust said:

“I put a fiver on the Swans winning the title at 5000-1. Many of my friends did likewise and the odds started plummeting. Now they are 2-1 odds-on favourites.”

Experts have noticed several similarities between the teams. Jamie Vardy appeared to be an average hoofer at best last season. Now he is a world beater set to lead the line for England at this year’s Euros. Swans insiders hope that Bafetimbi Gomis can overcome some erratic form to make a similar transformation for club and country. Gylfi Sigurdsson representing lightweight maestros from obscure countries in the Premiership could be next year’s Ryad Mahrez and earn himself a bank busting move to Barcelona; a move sure to prove popular with Swans Chairman Huw Jenkins.

Inspirational skipper Ashley Williams will be going all out to to be next season’s Wes Morgan and overcome poor form and incredulity to lift the Premiership Trophy at the end of the season.

Posted on

England claim Six Nations title after winning jack shit for the last five years

England have taken the Six Nations crown with a game to spare after winning jack shit for the last 5 years.

The chaps in white destroyed a startled Welsh side on Saturday, and with Scotland beating the French the day after, Eddie Jones’s team claimed the title for their own.

England fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:

“What ho, chaps. Our boys were simply stunning on Saturday although the sheep-shaggers did try and eventually show up in the last ten minutes. The fact that we’ve won the title with a game to spare shows how far we’ve come since our World Cup disaster and I’m sure that we’ll now go on to be a dominant force in world rugby for a 1,000 years.”

Welsh fan Dai ‘Hard’ Jones said:

“Well that was a crock of shit wasn’t it? Never mind, butt – there’s always next year innit like?”

WalesOnCraic extends a genuine congratulations to England on their Six Nations win

Posted on

Eddie Jones accuses Wales of ‘illegal scrumping’

England rugby coach Eddie Jones has accused Welsh players of illegal scrumping.

The coach said he was upset that some of the Welsh players had been stealing apples from local orchards throughout the Six Nations campaign.

He said:

“Wales have been scrumping illegally for a long time now. They keep getting away with it. The referee can’t keep pinging them because he’ll come across as the one killing the game yet it’s the players scrumping illegally that are doing that. What we are asking for is a game where players can pick apples legally and under supervision. The world will suffer a catastrophic apple shortage if they carry on like this.”

But Wales scrum coach Robin ‘Tractor’ McBryde fired back saying:

“We have never taken any apples illegally throughout any of our matches. Eddie Jones can’t go around accusing us of illegal scrumping without backing it up with any relevant CCTV footage.”

Posted on

Twickenham groundsmen create oval pitch to stop England kicking to the corner in last 5 minutes

Groundsmen at Twickenham have created an oval pitch for Saturday’s game against Wales to stop their team kicking to the corner in the last five minutes of the game.

The new pitch is oval in shape, similar to that of of an Aussie Rules pitch.

Head groundsman Tarquin Smythe-Peacock told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re not having these pesky Welsh chaps coming over here and beating us at HQ. After the last pile of tripe at the World Cup, we’re making sure that there’s none of this kicking to the corner malarkey. Hopefully, it will allow our chaps the chance to kick on to victory. Now where did I put that cucumber sandwich, old boy?”

The move comes after last year’s England v Wales match, where England were losing against Wales (again) in the last five minutes and had a chance to draw had they kicked to the posts.

Welsh fan Dai ‘Hard’ Jones said:

“I’ve got myself a massive fuckoff daffodil to wear on my head and I can’t wait to see Wales triumph once again.”

Posted on

England plan to play Welsh anthem ‘in a shit fashion’ ahead of Saturday’s game

England are planning on playing the Welsh national anthem ‘shitly’ on Saturday, according to inside sources.

The trick is a common one pulled by teams when Wales are playing away from home. Playing the Welsh anthem is designed to rile the Welsh players and make them lose focus.

Simon ‘Secret’ Squirrel, of 4 Chestnut Avenue, Heol Glas, Caerphilly, CF43 9JR, who can’t be named for legal reasons, told WalesOnCraic:

“Ireland are particularly good at playing Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau pretty shitly but the English boys have just cottoned on so they’ll be giving it a go on Saturday. They’re either going to play it far too slow or they’re going to play it like they’re on speed. Either way, our boys are going to have to just ignore it and get on with their own game.”

Wales visit Twickenham on Saturday in the fourth round of this year’s Six Nations tournament, where they are likely to be beating England by 20+ a point margin.

Posted on

John Inverdale ‘moist’ as England top Six Nations table

Sports host John Inverdale is reported to be ‘moist’ as England climb to the top of the Six Nations table.

Inverdale, whose hobbies include talking about England, was over the moon with England’s win over Ireland earlier today. He told WalesOnCraic:

“This England team can go all the way and win the World Cup like we did back in 2003. We’ve beaten every team that’s been put in front of us this year and I’d like to congratulate myself on backing such an impressive team. I’ve become so excited that I think I’m a little moist down in my undercrackers – and that’s always a good sign.”

Fans of Inverdale will be able to see him talking about England at the next Six Nations game which is Ireland v Italy.

England now lead the Six Nations table with Wales in second place. Italy are in last place because they are shitter than Scotland.

Posted on

Jamie Roberts picks up Man of the Match award a week late

Wales rugby player Jamie Roberts has picked up his Man of the Match award a week late.

The centre, who scored against Scotland and also flattened Scottish player Blair Cowan, picked up his medal after today’s game. He told reporters:

“Obviously, the lads gave it 100% and obviously, all credit to the other side and fair play to the Scots, they came here today to play and they did and obviously so did we and I told the boys before the game just to go out there and enjoy themselves and obviously, they did and obviously we won and obviously, we’ll take the positives from this game and obviously take them onto the next game. Obviously.”

Wales beat Scotland after letting Scotland think that they could win for about 70 minutes. Wales next play France at the Millennium Principality Stadium in two weeks time.

Posted on

Sacked José Mourinho to become Zumba instructor in Barry

Sacked Chelsea boss José ‘The Special One’ Mourinho will be starting a new career as a Zumba instructor in a South Wales town.

That’s according to Giles Smallballs who runs a Zumba class in Barry.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“He’ll be joining Jeremy Clarkson, looking after the senior class on Wednesday mornings. He’s such a good-looking fella that I’d like to think that all the old biddies who come down will get moist just looking at him. I would have liked him to pick up my Friday class but I have my hair done on Wednesdays so it’s best if he does the Wednesday class. I’ve bought him some nice new pink fluffly legwarmers and I’d like to invite him over for tea one night so I can stroke his beautiful hair and talk about football.I do love him so.”

Chelsea sacked Mourinho after playing shit for quite a few games. He hasn’t commented on his new possible career as a Zumba instructor although there was a big posh car outside Coconunts Play Hall this morning.