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Jamie Roberts picks up Man of the Match award a week late

Wales rugby player Jamie Roberts has picked up his Man of the Match award a week late.

The centre, who scored against Scotland and also flattened Scottish player Blair Cowan, picked up his medal after today’s game. He told reporters:

“Obviously, the lads gave it 100% and obviously, all credit to the other side and fair play to the Scots, they came here today to play and they did and obviously so did we and I told the boys before the game just to go out there and enjoy themselves and obviously, they did and obviously we won and obviously, we’ll take the positives from this game and obviously take them onto the next game. Obviously.”

Wales beat Scotland after letting Scotland think that they could win for about 70 minutes. Wales next play France at the Millennium Principality Stadium in two weeks time.

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Sacked José Mourinho to become Zumba instructor in Barry

Sacked Chelsea boss José ‘The Special One’ Mourinho will be starting a new career as a Zumba instructor in a South Wales town.

That’s according to Giles Smallballs who runs a Zumba class in Barry.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“He’ll be joining Jeremy Clarkson, looking after the senior class on Wednesday mornings. He’s such a good-looking fella that I’d like to think that all the old biddies who come down will get moist just looking at him. I would have liked him to pick up my Friday class but I have my hair done on Wednesdays so it’s best if he does the Wednesday class. I’ve bought him some nice new pink fluffly legwarmers and I’d like to invite him over for tea one night so I can stroke his beautiful hair and talk about football.I do love him so.”

Chelsea sacked Mourinho after playing shit for quite a few games. He hasn’t commented on his new possible career as a Zumba instructor although there was a big posh car outside Coconunts Play Hall this morning.

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Irishman wins $1 million for twatting Brazilian man in the gob

An Irishman has earned $1 million for twatting a Brazilian man in the gob.

Dublin’s Conor McGregor punched Jose Aldo in a fight in America. Aldo fell to the floor and McGregor walked away with lots of money.

Aldo said after the fight:

“What happened there? One minute I was about to twat the Irishman and the next minute, I was on my arse. I want a rematch.”

Irishman McGregor said:

“We stood facing each other. He came up to me and punched me in the face. At the same time, I stuck one on him and then he fell down and I won. I’d like a rematch too so that I can double my earnings.”

McGregor will spend all of his winnings on new uPVC windows for his house. Probably.

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Euro 2016: An open letter from Wales to England

Dear England

Firstly, please forgive us if we’re a bit excited about Euro 2016. Unlike you, it’s been a long time since we featured in a big footballing competition so for us, 2016 is a big deal.

Secondly, we wanted to wish you good luck in the competition – but not enough to get you through to the next round. As you know, some of us Welshies love you, some of us don’t. But when it comes to beating England at sport, it’s always that little bit sweeter if we do it. It’s not because you conquered us and made us speak your language; it’s not because your wealthy industrialists came and clawed out the dirty coal from our rolling green hills and left them scarred and wounded; and it’s not because you gave us the Welsh Assembly as a token gesture of our autonomy. No – it’s because we like to see you fail at our expense.

Take the Rugby World Cup for instance. Ok, so we let you beat us in the Six Nations earlier in the year. But that was only to lull you into a false sense of security by the time the big tournament came round. Our sing-songs of victory lasted well into the night.

Sadly, we need to look back to 1984 to recall the last time Wales beat England at football. We’ve never been brilliant at it if we’re honest. But the fact is, we are now. Yes, we’ve got some big names in our team – Bale and Ramsey the two main lynchpins. But we’ve also got a great team of unsung heroes that will be looking to take you down in June. But here’s a little confession for you – like the rugby, we’ve been pretending that we’ve been rubbish for a while, just to lull you into a false sense of security.

So when it comes to the sunny summer months, we’ll be sat in our beer gardens, supping our ice cold beers and cheering on the boys in red. Like we said, we’ve got nothing against you – we just want to see you heading home earlier than you’d hoped. Having said that, it may come down to you having to do us a favour against the pesky Slovaks and the Russians so we’ll let you know if we’d like you to be our friends at any point.

Good luck – but not too much.


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Stuart Lancaster to start new career as Zumba instructor in Barry

Former England rugby coach Stuart Lancaster is to start a new career as a Zumba teacher in Barry.

The man who oversaw England’s early exit of their own World Cup is to start work on Monday after leaving his coaching post, according to Zumba coach Giles Smallballs.

Smallballs told WalesOnCraic:

“I can’t wait for Stewie to be joining us here at Coconuts Play Centre. He’ll be joining the likes of Jeremy Clarkson and Nick Clegg who take our pensioner classes on Wednesdays. He can tell us all about what it felt like losing to Wales again and whether Mike Brown has brushed up on his interview techniques in the last month. I’ve been on EBay and bought him some new pink leg warmers and I’ve also bought him a whistle that he can whistle if any of our pensioners fall asleep while they are doing their Zumba.”

A spokesperson for Stuart Lancaster said:

“That is load of hairy old bollocks. Completely. Tell Giles to go fuck himself.”

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Northern hemisphere rugby nations ask for games against southern hemisphere nations to be ‘shortened by a few minutes or so’

Northern hemisphere rugby nations have made an official request to shorten games against southern hemisphere nations to give them a better chance of winning.

South Africa pipped Wales last night and Scotland were leading Australia until the last two minutes today, only for the two southern hemisphere nations to pip the win in the final minutes.

Rugby boss Josh Noneck told WalesOnCraic:

“We’d like to see all games that we play against southern hemisphere sides to be shortened by about 10 or five minutes. We’d also like to see games brought to a premature end should we take the lead at any point. That way, we’re going to be in a much better chance of winning the game as opposed to how we are doing now at 80 minutes.”

The Rugby World Cup semi-finals are now all taken up by southern hemisphere sides – Argentina, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa.

Noneck added:

“We’d also like to see the semi-finals played out in one of their countries too because none of us really give a shiny shit about the World Cup any more.”

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Wayne Barnes scores winning try to put South Africa through to World Cup semi-finals

Referee Wayne Barnes scored the winning try in a throbbing quarter-final game at the Rugby World Cup.

Referee, playing as the 16th South African player, scored after side-stepping Wales wing Alex Cuthbert.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I was awesome. There I was in the middle of all the action when the ball came my way. I caught the ball and just ran up the pitch and scored the try. I was going to do some kind of celebration but then I remembered that I was supposed to be the referee.”

Wales fly-half Dan Biggar said:

“What the fuck was I taken off for? I’ve been fucking brilliant for weeks. Clearly Wayne didn’t want me to kick Wales to victory.”

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3 million sick days already ‘booked’ as Wales qualify for Euro 2016

Three million sick days have already been ‘booked’ for June 2016 following the Welsh football team’s qualification for the tournament.

Employers are bracing themselves for a return to the three day week as thousands of supporters start ‘to feel ill’.

Office worker Julian Bobblehat told WalesOnCraic:

“I can feel a headache coming on already. I’ve got a feeling it’ll be one of those ones that peak in 8 or 9 months’ time. I’ve posted a few things on Facebook in preparation for pulling a sickie – you have to do that these days – I’ve planted the seed.”

His boss, Giles Smallcrack said:

“If that fat fucker thinks he’s having a day off to watch grown men kick a ball around, I’ll be waiting for him with his P45. I know how the workers play their game – they post a few things on Facebook saying how ill they feel and then they phone in the next day to say that they’ve got the shits. I’ll be on his back.”

Wales qualified last night after losing 2-0 to Bosnia Herzegovina.

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Did English Player Get Trolled Into Man Of The Match By Australian Fans?

Have you ever seen a happier Man of the Match?

This is Joe Launchbury, the English rugby player who was made Man of the Match during last night’s showdown with Australia.

But things might not be all as quite as it seems.

In case you missed it, Joe’s England side were dumped out of the World Cup as Australia went on to thump the English and go through to the quarter finals. Despite Joe’s best efforts, he couldn’t stop the Aussie juggernaut pissing on the English parade. Outstanding play from Australians Bernard Foley and Michael Hooper among others, saw their side eventually beat England 33-13.

Launchbury himself left the field on the 69th minute, to be replaced by George Kruis. So when Launchbury was announced as the Man of the Match, there were a few puzzled expressions at Twickenham, including the man himself.

The answer could lie with Twitter.

Mastercard, sponsors of the game’s Man of the Match, put the vote out to Twitter users. Many on Twitter suspect that it was AUSTRALIAN fans who voted for Launchbury to rub salt into the wounds.

One Twitter user wrote:

“Dear @MasterCardUK, with your MOTM tonight going to Launchbury, you’ve clearly been trolled by #Aus supporters taking the piss.”

Will we ever know?


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Welsh Smugness Reaches Record Levels

Welsh smugness has reached record levels after Australia beat England at Twickenham, ensuring Wales a quarter-final place at the Rugby World Cup.

Two tries in the first half for Australia and a late yellow card for England in the second saw Wales go through. With the Welsh football team now ranked 8th in the world, the Welsh have never been smugger.

Welsh fan Dilwyn Leek told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m so happy right now that I’m going to get my knob out and show it to the woman next door. I’m not even sure if she’s gone to bed – I don’t care! I’m THAT happy!”

England fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock was dejected after the game. He said:

“By George. Those Aussies didn’t half go at us didn’t they? It was very unfair. One is orf now to go cheer oneself up by shooting a few foxes or something.”

Wales now face Australia at Twickenham next week.