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Principality Stadium staff to tilt pitch 45° this Saturday so England play uphill

Staff at the Principality Stadium are to tilt the pitch up to 45° this Saturday so that the visiting English team have to play uphill for the entire match.

Staff discovered the secret button while cleaning the newly-installed pitch last week. Head groundsman Gordon Grunt told WalesOnCraic:

“We had our reservations about this new pitch but when the contractors installed the pitch last year, they added a tilt feature so that they could clean underneath the it. They’ve obviously forgotten to uninstall the feature so we’re going to be using it our advantage. If the English start moaning about the roof like the Irish did, they can carry on. We’ll be tilting the pitch up against them for the first half and then the other way after half time.”

Fans have welcomed the move, especially since England will be arriving with their tails up. Bryn Thundergut said:

“Oh aye there butt innit?”

Equally, English fans have been outraged to hear the news. English fan Tarquin Smythe-Peacock said:

“It’s a jolly outrage.”

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England fans banned from singing ‘droning, dreary song about chariots’ on Saturday

England rugby fans have been told that they can’t sing their usual dreary song about chariots at the forthcoming Wales v England game on Saturday.

Officials have told the fans that the song drags the atmosphere of the game down to Twickenham levels.

One official told WalesOnCraic:

“England fans are entitled to sing what they want – apart from this bloody song. Whenever they start singing it, the whole place sighs and dips into deep depression. I’ve seen happier looking blood hounds than some of the fans when that song is sung. It’s got no rhythm to it, no fire – it’s just like one long drone. We’ve taken the unusual step of banning the song being sung in the hope that they’ll sing something a bit more uplifting – something like Agadoo or maybe something from a Disney film. We just can’t stand hearing about bloody chariots.”

Tarquin Smythe-Peacock, President of the Jolly Chaps of England Rugby Society said:

“What? This is outrageous! One should be allowed to sing one’s favourite song if one so desires. We’ve got all our cucumber sandwiches packed ready for Saturday but I can’t imagine not singing our song. I’m going to write to my local MP about this. It’s an outrage!”

Welsh fans will be able to sing their favourite song, Delilah, which is a song about a man with jealousy problems stabbing his girlfriend to death.

“At least that’s got a bit of passion about it,” said one supporter.

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John Inverdale ‘moist’ as England installed as Six Nations favourites

Sports commentator John Inverdale has reportedly told the press that he is ‘moist’ as England were installed as Six Nations favourites.

England beat everyone in their path last year after going through a long period of winning jack shit.

A spokesman for Mr Inverdale told WalesOnCraic:

“John was very excited to hear that England have been installed as this year’s Six Nations favourites because they are his favourite team in the tournament. John told us that he was ‘moist with excitement’ and having England as clear favourites means that he can talk about them at any time, during any game, and get away with it. John likes to do this anyway, even if it’s a Scotland v Ireland game but he feels that he has justification this year and he’s very excited about it.”

Inverdale will once again be joined by former Welsh international Jonathan Davies, who is looking forward to his stock quotes of ‘inside shoulder’ and ‘maggernifisunt’. He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m very much looking forward to saying ‘inside shoulder’ and ‘maggernifisunt’. Not many people know that I don’t get to say these things at any other time of the year so the Six Nations Championship is my chance to let my hair down and say those things as many times as I like.”

The Six Nations kicks off this weekend when Scotland take on Ireland at Murrayfield on Saturday.

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Reported increase in throb-ons and moistness in anticipation of 2017 Six Nations

Wales has recorded a surge in throb-ons and moistness ahead of this year’s Six Nations.

With just over two weeks to go to the tournament, levels are 32% higher than they were this time last year.

Frank Boner who collated the information told WalesOnCraic:

“This year’s Six Nations is nearly two weeks away but already we’re reporting high levels of cases of throb-ons and moistness. We’ve had reports of some people having to change their underwear during conversations about the rugby. We had one guy who appeared to have three legs while he was at work and had to go and sit down for a while. He now has a new nickname of Tripod. We’re not sure why levels are particularly high this year but we think it’s something to do with the fact that we start with Italy and have England at home after that.”

The Six Nations kicks off on February 4th while Wales play Italy the following day on the 5th. England have been installed as favourites because they keep beating everybody.

“Someone has to beat England to give us a chance and I’m hoping that it’s going to be the boys in red. Otherwise, I’m going to look an arse when I go back into work as I’ve put on a big bet.”

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Woman gets paid $3 million to be twatted in the face

An American woman has accepted $3 million in return for being twatted in the face.

Ronda Rousey took several twattings to the chops in exchange for the large sum of money.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“They sat me down and offered me a shit load of money if I was able to get smacked in the mouth. I thought about it for a while but then I said yes. They put me in this cage thing with this mad Brazilian woman. I wasn’t scared because I can usually handle myself. I thought I’d sneak in a few punches myself but before I knew it, I was getting twatted left, right and centre. I didn’t know what day it was. Next thing I knew, I was on my way out of the cage to pick up my cheque. It was a large cheque, like the ones that used to get handed to Terry Wogan during broadcasts of Children in Need.”

Rousey’s manager said:

“She did well. We can all go home now and buy ourselves some posh cars.”

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Andy Murray ‘quite happy’ to win Sports Personality of the Year

Tennis player Andy Murray has told WalesOncraic that he’s quite happy to have won the 2016 Sports Personality of the Year Award.

Murray beat off stiff competition from the likes of Bryan Robson and Eddie the Eagle.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“Obviously, I’m very happy to have won the title and obviously, I’m happy to have won this title. This title means the world to me so I’m glad I’ve won it. I’m really happy that I’ve won it.”

Host Gary Lineker added:

“Yeah, he’s glad he won the title. It’s a title he’s won before twice so to win it a third time is just as nice as the other times he won it.”

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FIFA to ban National Team Shirt Badges as they are deemed too nationalistic

FIFA are set to ban National Team Shirt Badges as they are deemed too nationalistic.

FIFA’s Ethics Committee fears that the shirt badges may offend other teams. A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We simply cannot have players going on around on TV showing off their national badge. What kind of message does this send to the world? In our great wisdom, we have decided to do away with national team shirt badges and we are also looking into banning any reference to counties by name in case it sends out the wrong political message. We are looking to clean this sport up and we cannot do this when people are blatantly cheering on one country rather than the other. £25k however, and all of this will go away.”

One fan said:

“Well obviously the boys went out there and gave it 110% and obviously, we’ll take all the positives from this game and I said to the boys before the game just go out and enjoy yourselves and obviously all credit to the boys etc…”

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Sam Allardyce most successful England manager with 100% win record

Sam Allardyce has become England’s most successful manager with 100% win percentage.

Allardyce left his post after being a very naughty boy.

England spokesman Gavin TenBellies told WalesOnCraic:

“We are proud that Sam has given us one glorious win over Slovenia or Slovakia of whatever it’s called. The confidence that the boys will take with them into their next game will be immeasurable. Sam’s 100% win record means he will go down in history as England’s most successful manager and no one can take that away from him.”

England fan Bobby BigMouth said:

“Well obviously the lads have gone out there today and given it 110% and all credit to the other side, they came out here today to win a game so I told the lads to go out there and enjoy themselves and all credit to the lads, they played everything 110% and we’ll take the positives from this game and move onto the next games, fair play to the lads, they gave it 110% and I told them to go out there and enjoy themselves and fair play, they did.”

Sam Allardyce is believed to be lined up to start a new career as Zumba teacher in Barry.

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Mary Berry set to become new England manager

Former Great British Bake Off host Mary Berry is set to become the new England manager as current manager Sam Allardyce fights off corruption allegations.

Mrs Berry is currently out of work after telling BBC bosses to ‘Go eat a bag of dicks.’

A spokesman said:

“Mary is very keen to take over the reigns of England manager as she’s always loved football. Back in the day, she played for ‘Posh Ladies FC’ as a striker. She could out dribble any of her opponents and she had a killer curler on her. Becoming England manager will give her something to do in between baking cakes.”

A spokesman for the FA said:

“This is the first we’ve heard of it mate. Are you sure you’re not just making this up for some shitty spoof news site?”

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Maerdy girls called to Rio to dish out hickie expertise to swimmers

Girls from the South Wales valleys have been flown to Rio to help swimmers with their hickies.

Love bites have formed a major role in this year’s Olympics with some swimmers covered all over in them.

One swimmer told WalesOnCraic:

“My coach told me that I go faster if I’m covered in hickies so I got my girlfriend to go mental on with with them. She got a bit bored after a while so he called in a girl from Maerdy. I’ve never known anything like it. She went over me like a Hetty Hoover and the next time I got in the pool, I did a full length in under a second. I’ve always thought that my coach was a bit of a twat, but fair play to him, he’s called it right on this occasion.”

Jade Davies, who was flown out to Rio on a special plane added:

“It’s cowing lush mun. I can’t wait to get my hands on Michael Phelps. He won’t know what’s hit him.”