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Ireland to arrive on open top bus

open-top-bus

Ireland will arrive at the Principality Stadium this afternoon on an open top bus.

The Irish team, who aren’t fans of roofs, said that they wanted to embrace the great Welsh weather.

A spokesman for Team Ireland said:

“We don’t like roofs now, no we don’t. We were going to come on a normal bus der, but we tort that we’d be better orf coming in on a bus wit no roof. Roofs are far tew over-rated these days so we tort we’d like to see what da Welsh wedder’s got in store for us and embrace it so. We are looking forward to beating Wales at ta game today.”

A Welsh bus company has confirmed that Team Ireland have hired an open top bus for the day.

“We’ve only got one open top bus and that’s because Terry drove it under a low bridge a few weeks ago and ripped the roof off of it.”





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Psychic saveloy predicts Grand Slam for Wales

A psychic saveloy sausage has predicted a Welsh win over Ireland and a resulting Grand Slam for Wales on Saturday.

The sausage, which has already correctly predicted the fall of the Berlin Wall and the death of Michael Jackson, correctly predicted a win over England a few weeks ago.

Owner Ian Gullible told WalesOnCraic:

“This saveloy sausage has been my guide and mentor for the last 30 years or so. Whenever I need a question answered, I consult my sausage, unless it’s a question about capital cities of the world which my sausage is shit at. The sausage predicts a huge win for Wales at Cardiff this weekend – I know this game is an important one for you Welshies which is why I am offering a personal one-on-one sausage consultation for any Welsh fans for an hourly rate of £50.”

Ian won’t reveal how the sausage predicts future events.

“I like to confirm the prediction once it’s happened,” he said.





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Ireland politely asked not to spoil Saturday’s party

Ireland have officially been asked not to spoil the party on Saturday.

Welsh rugby bosses sent a letter to the Ireland team on Tuesday, politely asking them to ‘lose by about 15 points’.

A spokesman for Welsh Rugby said:

“We’ve won four out of four games and back in the old days, that would have been enough to win a Grand Slam. This Ireland game has got all our arses twitching and it’s too close to call whether we are going to win or not. We’ve taken the initiative and politely asked Ireland to take a dive on this one. They’ve got nothing to lose as they’re not really in the mix are they? It’ll mean that we can have a great night on Saturday and we can all go home happy.”

A spokesman for Irish rugby confirmed that they’d received the letter earlier this week.

“We got dat letter der now so we did.”





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Wales to employ ‘debagging’ strategy against England

arse

Welsh rugby players will employ a tactic known as ‘debagging’ in an attempt to put English players off their game today.

That’s according to Welsh armchair rugby coach Dai TripleGunt.

Debagging is where one player pulls down another player’s shorts and jockstrap, exposing the other player’s bare buttocks and big hairy bollocks.

From his armchair in Fochriw, he told WalesOnCraic:

“Debagging is a particularly effective strategy to employ because a player can’t run around the field with their bollocks hanging out. My reckoning is that our boys will wait until the English players least expect it – when they’re stood moaning to the referee about a decision that’s gone against them or when they are waiting for Gareth Anscombe to take another penalty. I know Gatland has used this strategy before when he was coach at Wasps so I fully expect him to pull this out of the bag, as it were, on Saturday.”

Welsh fans can expect rousing renditions of the traditional slave song, Swing Low Sweet Chariot, as well as verbal outbursts of ‘Would one simply fuck orf?’ from their English counterparts.





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Superbowl shows how to do boring

The world’s ‘greatest sporting spectacle’ took place last night in America.

Both teams played as if they didn’t want to win and go to the White House for cold burgers.

The game lasted 50 hours. There was some shitty band playing at half time. No Janet Jackson nipples this time but there was some guy called Adam who showed his.

One of the teams won and the other one lost.

Did I mention that the game lasted 50 hours?

I grew a beard while watching it.





Image: Andrew Bone

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Six Nations 2019 Preview: Italy

Every day this week, our trainee Sports Reporter Gary TwoSheds will take a look at each of the teams in this year’s Six Nations and assess their chances of success. Today, it’s the turn of Italy.

When Italy joined the then Five Nations to create the Six Nations, most people expected Italy to be the whipping boys of the tournament. And Italy have mostly lived up to that title.

One of the most exciting things about Italy is their anthem, which is often shouted as opposed to sung.

Over the last few years, they’ve also lit up the tournament with cunning ploys like the ‘no man in a ruck’ tactic, which meant that there was no offside line. Instead, players stood well back and Italian fans followed suit by standing 10 ft back from the bar when they went to drown their sorrows after the game.

Captain this year is Sergio Parisse, often referred to as The Mighty Sergio Parisse. He’ll be leading Italy out against Scotland for their first game this weekend. Scotland, once proud Wooden Spooners themselves will be looking to make a name for themselves at home. Italy will be without their playmaker – that one who used to have massive sideboards. I forget his name. You know the one. He had dreadlocks. Ah shit. What was his name? Little scrum half fella. Ah balls. Him. They’ll be without him. He retired years ago.

They currently reside at 15th in the World rankings and although coach Conor O’Shea insists that they are making progress, Italy enter this year’s Six Nations looking to end a run of 17 straight defeats. Once again they will be defending their place in the Six Nations but we all know that should they leave the competition, it just wouldn’t be the same without them.