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Wales brought to standstill under half an inch of jack shit

jack-shit

Wales has been brought to its knees after suffering half an inch of falling jack shit.

In some places, 6ft of jack shit fell, leaving many struggling to cope.

One South Wales resident said:

“I woke up to find our home completely covered in jack shit. We are lucky that I went out and bought our local shop’s entire stock of bread and milk. We’d be shafted otherwise. My daughter was supposed to be going to work but phoned in to take the day off. God knows how she would have coped if she had to go in.”

Forecasters say that there’s more jack shit on its way over the next few days.

Billy BoggleEyes of the Welsh Institute of Weathery Stuff said:

“We’ve got a load of nothing coming into the country next week, bringing with it not much at all. The people of Wales can expect nothing at all to happen, as we have witnessed here today.”

Police are looking into reports that some snow fell in England.





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Six Nations 2019 Preview: Ireland

Every day this week, our trainee Sports Reporter Gary TwoSheds will take a look at each of the teams in this year’s Six Nations and assess their chances of success. Today, it’s the turn of Ireland.

Ireland go into this year’s Six Nations as favourites. Why? Because they’re too frigging good.

Ireland really won’t give a shit about beating England in their first game because they’ve got bigger fish to fry – namely the World Cup.

That’s all I’m going to write about Ireland. They’ve got two anthems and they’re going to win this year’s title so that’s all the attention I’m prepared to give to them.

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Woman to wear jeans and nice top on night out

A woman from Treorchy has told her friends that she’s going to wear jeans and a nice top on her night out.

Kelly Jigglebelly is going out on Thursday to celebrate the divorce from her dickhead husband Terry.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m going out on Thursday and I wanted to buy something nice to wear but I spent five hours looking around New Look earlier today but couldn’t find anything. I’ve decided to wear something that I’ve worn before but I hope that they won’t recognise it. I’ve decided to wear jeans and a nice top.”

Friend Sheila said:

“She’s a boring twat but I’ll be wearing jeans and a nice top too.”





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Petition launched to shorten January

A petition has been launched in Wales to shorten January by a few days.

Critics of the month say that January really is taking the piss now.

Organiser Jeff Smoothcleft told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m sick and tired of January. 31 fricking days? Whose fricking idea was that? The last time I got paid was in the middle of December and I had to spend all that on my fricking family for Christmas. Not that they deserved it. Over a month later, I’m still struggling to pay for beer down the pub and there’s still a few days to go before fricking payday. We demand that the government shortens January by a good few weeks or so. That way, I’ll still be able to go down the pub and afford to get pissed.”

A spokeswoman for the Government said:

“We’ll take a look at it but I’m rich so it doesn’t really affect me. Thanks.”





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Polar bear spotted in Pontypridd

A polar bear has been spotted in Pontypridd.

The Arctic beast was spotted hanging around outside a Greggs shop, looking for quality food.

Eye-witness Billy Lyer told WalesOnCraic:

“I was coming down the street like I always do and I could hardly see up ahead because of the blizzard. I had my thermals and that on because I didn’t want to get stuck out in the show. Then, all of a sudden, up ahead of me, I could see a huge shape slowly making its way across the street and heading to Greggs. I thought that it was my wife because she likes to go there at the end of the day to see if they’ve got any stuff that they’re selling off cheap. But then I remembered that my wife was at home watching The Chase. I looked a bit harder and then realised that it was a polar bear. I was so shocked because I wouldn’t expect to see a polar bear here on a Tuesday.”

Experts think that the bear may have drifted south from the North Pole in search for food.

“I think it may have drifted south from the North Pole in search for food,” said Yvonne Cleverclogs. “I don’t know what he or she hoped to find in Greggs mind.”





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Shops sell out of huskies ahead of snow

Shops across Wales have sold out of huskies, ahead of the snow forecast to hit the country.

Half a centimetre of snow is expected to fall on Wales, causing chaos and disruption nationwide.

A spokeswoman for The Association of Shops That Sell Huskies said:

“We tend to see a rush on huskies at this time of year but the alarmist headlines put out by people like yourselves has caused some panic buying this week. Sales of huskies have gone through the roof and we’ve been struggling to keep up with demand. In some instances, we’ve even been selling poodles dressed up as huskies just to make ourselves a bit of money while we can. With all this snow forecast, you can expect us to be selling all kinds of breeds and passing them off as huskies.”

One shopper said:

“I needs a husky so I can go get my beer for Friday night. I’m not watching Wales play France with nothing but a cup of pissy tea. A husky is imperative to me right now.”





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Government urges panic-buying of bread and milk ahead of tomorrow’s snow

The government is urging people to panic buy supplies of bread and milk ahead of snow that is forecast on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Government officials have issued directives, instructing people to ‘punch people in the face’ if necessary in order to stock up on supplies.

Government spokeswoman, June Frigid, told WalesOnCraic:

“When we get these horrendous snow storms, it’s everyone for themselves. We highly recommend that everyone goes to the local shops and wipes them out of bread and milk. What if you were to get snowed in your own home? What would you eat if you had no bread? What would you drink if you didn’t have milk? Our position is clear – we are the government and we really don’t give a shit so get yourselves down to Kwik Save and get panic buying.”

Snow is expected to move into the UK during the middle of next week. Stocks of shitty Nimble bread are expected to last during the blizzard as usual.

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Double decker bus goes missing down Cardiff pothole

A double decker bus has disappeared after falling into a pothole in a busy Cardiff road.

The double-decker bus fell into the pothole which was about the size of a double-decker bus.

Eye-witness Harry Halfhead said:

“I’d just come out of the bookies and I saw this double-decker bus heading down the street. I had to jump out of its way because I’d had a few pints in the pub beforehand. As I turned around to shout obscenities at the driver, I looked around to find the bus. And there it was – gone!”

Police say that the bus fell into the pothole and recovery teams are on the scene to try and find the bus and its driver. There were no passengers on board at the time as the driver had driven straight past them at the bus stop.

“We’ll do it tomorrow,” said one recovery worker. “I’ve had hell of a day and I can’t be arsed to do anything tonight.”

Image: Iantherev

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Crisp sandwiches to replace hot school meals

a-crisp-sandwich

Crisp sarnies are set to replace hot school meals in Welsh schools.

Schools say that they have been forced to cut costs due to cuts in funding.

Headteacher Brian Leathercrotch told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been getting less and less money from whoever gives us money and we’ve been having to cut corners all over the shop. In my school alone, I’ve had to lay off all members of teaching staff and it’s just me here now. I’ve had to look long and hard at the food budget and figured that I can only afford to give kids crisp sandwiches for lunch. It’s no bad thing – I used to love them as a kid and we can easily fill up the children’s bellies full for less than 50p each.”

One parent said:

“Yeah. Got no problem with that bruv. That’s all I ever eat anyway.”

Image: Nickelbabe

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Ripping Yellow Pages in half ‘getting easier’

yellow-pages

The art of ripping a Yellow Pages is a lot easier now that it was back in the 80s, according to experts.

Back in the day, only big strapping lads could rip the directory in half but these days, it’s common to see young children casually successfully completing the feat without breaking a sweat.

Dave Gunt of the Welsh Strongman Group said:

“It’s all getting a bit embarrassing these days. Back when I was a lad, we’d be in awe of big lads ripping a Yellow Pages in half. Of course, there was a knack to it which made it a lot easier but there was still a lot of strength needed to do it. I was down the nursery picking up my kid yesterday and all the kids were doing it for a laugh. There were torn up Yellow Pages directories all over the place.”

89% of Yellow Pages are now used to prop doors open, according to some poll we ran in the WalesOnCraic office.