A Welsh mother has discovered why the ring pulls on top of tinned food are really there.
Brenda Wondergunt has described her finding as ‘dark magic’.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“I was cooking up some beans on toast for my lazy husband last night and it stuck me like a thunderbolt. For years I’ve been using my trusty tin opener but I was feeling so reckless last night that I pulled on the ring pull, not quite knowing what to expect. The next thing I know, my tin of beans are open – and I hadn’t even used a tin opener. I was gobsmacked. I called my lazy husband out to the kitchen to see what had happened but he didn’t want to shift his lazy arse so I had to phone him in the room next door. I called all my friends and family and they couldn’t believe it either. They’d been doing the same as me for the last few years. I then decided to call WalesOnCraic as it’s Wales’s leading news outlet, always with its finger on the pulse of the nation.”
Brenda is now looking to set up evening classes to educate others about opening tins of food.
“I’m going to put it on Twitter to see if it goes viral too. My mind has been blown.”
A new mural that has appeared on a Port Talbot garage overnight is not the work of artist Banksy.
Experts say that the new artwork on a garden wall is instead the work of a local man obsessed with titties.
Art curator Janice Dryflaps told WalesOnCraic:
“We had a call from a Port Talbot resident first thing this morning. She told us that she thought Banksy had been around her house overnight so we forewent our Coco Pops and rushed down there. We were hoping to find another masterpiece but were instead faced with a giant pair of tits. We did some further investigation and discovered that the new mural was possibly done by the resident’s neighbour, who has a habit of spray painting tits onto all kinds of things. The police were informed and then we went back for our Coco Pops.”
John Breasticle, who was arrested and later released by police said:
“I loves titties. They’re all big and soft and lovely. But this wasn’t me.”
A newlywed woman from Tongwynlais has been left heartbroken after finding out that her new husband doesn’t like Jammie Dodgers.
Emily Clammyflaps thought she had met the man of her dreams until husband Derek dropped the bombshell on the weekend.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“I just couldn’t believe it. I knew it was all too good to be true. I met Derek on a night out in Cardiff. He was tall, handsome and had a massive willy. We spent the next few weeks in each other’s company. We took walks, we visited family; we even spoke of our dreams and wishes. He dropped to one knee and popped the question in the most romantic of ways. I cried tears of joy when we got married. And then on the first night in our new home, the fat wanker tells me that he doesn’t like Jammie Dodgers. I chucked the hapless twat out on the street there and then. I haven’t seen him since and I couldn’t give a shit if he’s out on the streets. The man means nothing to me.”
Husband Derek didn’t respond to our requests for information because he couldn’t be arsed to reply.
Image: Paul Hurst
A man from Port Talbot has told his wife that he will dispose of their Christmas tree in the ‘near future’.
Darren ‘Daz’ Bigballs didn’t dispose of last year’s tree until May when he took it down the dump.
Wife Alison told WalesOnCraic:
“I had to nag him to take the tree down for several days because he said that he was really busy. In the end, I took it down myself because it was quicker and easier. I think Daz was hoping that that would happen. I put the tree out the back garden so I’m now nagging him to get rid of it because I won’t be able to have a barbeque out there if it’s still there in the summer. We had countless arguments about it last year and he didn’t take it to the dump until May. When he finally got rid of it, he told me that he was doing it for me. The man’s a tosspot. I don’t know why I married him. It’s certainly not for the sex.”
Daz explained the delay in getting rid of the tree by saying that he’d been running round like a blue-arsed fly.
“I’ve been running round like a blue-arsed fly,” he said.
Sports presenter John Inverdale has started talking about the English rugby team ahead the opening of the Six Nations tournament.
The dashingly handsome host, who enjoys talking about England during his waking hours, said that he’s putting in the practice ahead of the annual rugby competition.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“I’ve been practicing hard over the last few weeks. But that’s enough about me. Let’s talk about England. How will Eddie ‘Large’ Jones react after their very mediocre year last year? Will they be able to turn their fortunes around? Find out after the break.”
When asked about how many hours a day does he like to talk about England, his reply was:
Image: Howard Lake
Members of the public who label other people snowflakes for being easily offended have launched a backlash against Greggs’ new vegan sausage roll.
People have taken to social media to show their outrage at the new product, and have insisted that they are going to buy more meat-based products.
One social media user who didn’t want to be named said:
“We’ve seen it all now. This country is going down the drain quicker than something I can’t think of right now. How DARE they launch a new vegan sausage roll. How can it even be a sausage roll if there’s no sausage in it? I’m going to make sure that I go into Greggs and buy up all their meat-based products just to show those rabbit-food-eating-vegans.”
Experts were warning of lengthy queues for the non-meat based products, but these have failed to materialise.
“We were expecting loads of vegans to be at the shops first thing but it appears that they’ve been too weak to get out of bed.”
A South Wales woman has been admitted to rehab following her decision to take down her Christmas decorations.
Dilys Sinkwater took down her trees and other trimmings yesterday afternoon while watching Songs of Praise. But her de-Christmasisation has left her with feelings of emptiness and sadness. She has since taken lots of pills to make herself feel better.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“My living room looks dull as shit. I’m really missing the twinkling lights and my big fuck-off reindeer. Things really aren’t the same. I tried phoning the Samaritans but they told me to piss off and get a life.”
Dilys eventually called an ambulance who also told her to piss off. Eventually, Dilys phoned a local rehab centre and has spent several hours talking to the cleaner about her woes.
“I’m not sure I can wait another 11 months before I can put them all up again. This is sheer hell.”
Shopper across the UK are set to relieve stores of shit that they haven’t been able to sell all year.
Black Friday shoppers will then be heading back to the stores in a week when they realise they’ve been sold a pile of shite.
One store manager told WalesOnCraic:
“We’ve had these shitty Sanyo tellies in our stockroom for months. I just haven’t been able to shift them. Luckily, some smart arse invented Black Friday which means I can sell all the shit I’ve been wanting to get rid of all year. We are prepared for the carnage we saw last year – we’ve got some of the boys down from Merthyr to sort out any troublemakers.”
One shopper said:
“I’ve got all my credit cards polished and good to go. I can’t wait to get my hands on a telly that doesn’t work.”
TfW Rail has changed its name to WTF Rail to reflect the recent cancellations and delays.
Transport for Wales said the new name change was inspired by feedback given to them by long-suffering commuters.
One commuter said:
“Last Thursday, a train turned up and whereas it’s usually formed of two carriages, it was only formed of one. Apparently, the other one was sold for scrap. We had 5,000 people trying to get on it and there was so little room that once we all go on, we were all jammed in and no one could get off. Then on Friday, whereas my usual train is formed of one carriage, this train was formed of no carriages at all. We were told that if we wanted to get to work, we’d have to go on a bus which got stuck in traffic.”
A spokesman for WTF Rail said:
“Following feedback from our commuters, we now think that our new name reflects the service that we provide. Now if you don’t mind, I need to tell my staff that they have no trains to drive today.”