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87% Of Welsh People ‘Pining For NATO Like A Lost Lover’

87% of Welsh people are ‘pining for NATO like a lost lover’, according to a WalesOnCraic poll carried out over the weekend.

With the NATO circus now moving on to pastures new, it seems the people of Wales are facing the reality of getting back to things the way they were before, according to the poll.

Glenys Grimgritts, who wanted to remain anonymous, told WalesOnCraic:

“I’d give anything to have NATO back. It was all so exciting, what with those big helicopters flying around and that. I’ve now got the prospect of going back to my shitty job with nothing to talk about apart from Shitly Come Dancing – and what a load of old shit that is.”

Another pollster added:

“God, I miss NATO. My heart is pining for them to all come back. I’ve never been this heart-broken since my wife of 50 years ago left me for another woman. Even if they just called to let me know that they were ok, and that they were thinking of me – that’s all I want. I’ve booked myself in for a day at the Celtic Manor just to spend the day reminiscing.”

Even one staff writer at WalesOnCraic said:

“We’ve got nothing we can take the piss out of right now. It’s been really easy writing stuff about NATO because it’s been so unique but what can we write about now? We’ve got to go making stuff up now and we really can’t be arsed.”o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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NATO Police Infiltrated Our Peace Camp: CLAIM

NATO protesters have released a photo of a man they believe infiltrated their Peace Camp at the NATO Summit.

They believe the man was some sort of agent working for the government, and has accused him of spying on their activities.

Camp Leader, who wanted to be known by his pretend name, Captain Dreadlock, told WalesOnCraic:

“Looking back, we did have this guy in here that none of us knew. But we were so smacked up to the tits, that it’s only now, looking back at the photos, that we realise that our security was compromised. We are looking for a man about six foot high, wearing distinctive dark, branded clothing, including some kind of helmet with a blue flashing light on it, who was going around, bending his knees and saying ‘Allo, allo, allo. What have we got ‘ere then?’ We think he may have come from the London area.”

But NATO sources said that they hadn’t planted anyone in the peace camp. Steve Nedge told WalesOnCraic:

“They’re talking out of their arseholes. We wouldn’t have wasted our resources infiltrating their camp. We were too busy standing on the sides of the roads watching cars.”

But Dreadlock was adamant:

“There was. There was someone here. I knows it.”

The protesters, whose goal is for everyone in the world to sit around small fires playing guitars, helped shape NATO policy at the important summit by standing outside the meetings, blowing whistles and holding up bits of cardboard with marker pen scribbled on them.o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Mexican bandits threaten Valley Lines train service

Train bosses were forced to cancel trains between Cardiff and Pontypridd last night after an attack by Mexican bandits left a staff member with a grazed knee.

Rail Manager Tony Bigspecs told WalesOnCraic:

“Unfortunately, a gun battle took place between rail staff and the bandits on the 20:26 from Cardiff to Ponty last night. The evil outlaws made passengers and staff eat hot chilli fajitas and wear large Mexican hats until dawn. No one was killed but a member of the rail staff grazed his knee and will probably be off work for 12 months.”

In another serious incident, Red Indians stopped the Ystrad Rhonnda train and scalped the ticket inspector and pinched a box of fire water (gin) before taking two blonde haired young girls to become squaws.

Bigspecs said:

“The poor ticket inspector, who’s worked for the company for the past 103 years, is still unable to return to work and is looking for a good wig maker. CCTV cameras shows the red faced attackers surrounding the train from all sides before disabling its security system by sticking a lolly stick into it, preventing it from being able to move.

“It’s getting worse. We have always had cases of gangs trying to pinch trains – miners, nurses and the odd priest but it’s getting worse. Now we have Mexicans, Indians, monsters and cavemen. What next? Bloody Nazis? I blame the government.”

The last two months has seen a number of incidents including:

July 5th: Pontypridd to Treherbert – aliens misbehave before zapping the Treherbert train station with zap guns.

July 8th: Dinas Rhondda – drunken tennis players pissed over ticket inspector and beat driver with racquet before escaping over a grassy hedge.

July 15th: Maesteg – cows throw stones from bridge. Passenger loses eye. He was from the Rhondda, so he did have 3 eyes to start with.

July 28th: Whitchurch – gangs of Mormons and Salvation Army members have running battles on the lunch time express. Several people killed, one fatally.

August 3rd: Ynyswen – OAPs rebel against the lack of tea facilities. Train overturned and left on track.

August 27th: Llandaff – Driver spat at by nuns and stripped of all his clothes and thrown into a bunch of stingy nettles. Driver now recovering in a giant dock leaf.

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NATO Deal Sees United States And Welsh Nationalists Ready To Invade England: CLAIM

A last-minute deal brokered at the NATO Summit has paved the way for Wales to invade England, according to a Welsh Nationalist leader.

The deal would see the United States joining the Welsh Nationalist Independent Friends of Wales Association in a full-blown land invasion of Wales’s neighbouring country.

Blodwyn ap Blodwyn told WalesOnCraic:

“I’ve just come from a meeting now, and in my hand, I hold a piece of paper. Mr Barack Obama has signed this treaty which will allow us to join forces and take England for ourselves.”

The treaty would see the might of the US military fighting shoulder to shoulder with the Welsh Nationalist Letterbox Brigade.

“Up until now, all we’ve been able to do is post flaming rags through some people’s letterboxes and occasionally give English people living in Wales a silent phone call or two. But with the Americans on side, we can easily take England and if we’re feeling lucky, maybe Scotland too. Who knows what we can achieve? They’ve got really big guns and very fast planes and stuff– some of which even fly upside down! How cool is that?”

A NATO spokesman said however:

“He’s talking out of his arsehole mate. I’ve never even heard of Blodwyn ap Blodwyn. Wasn’t he in Camberwick Green or something?”

But ap Blodwyn is adamant that the plans to invade England would soon be underway.

“I’ve just been down David Barnes Drycleaners to get my camouflage gear clean. I can’t wait.”

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Dog The Bounty Hunter Goes Missing in Welsh Valleys

A massive air and sea search has begun in the Welsh valleys to try and find Dog the Bounty Hunter and his outfit of crack troops (including his wife with the big melons).

Dog, a massive reality TV star, famous for bringing criminals to justice, went missing on Sunday, after visiting the Penywaun Housing Estate in Hirwaun.

Local resident Danny LargePacket told WalesOnCraic:

“Nope. I haven’t seen him butt. This is Penywaun mind. Anything could have happened. Only this morning I saw a horse with only two legs drinking a bottle of neat gin, while smoking a joint.”

Some of Dog’s most recent catches include Al Capone, The Boston Strangler, Al Bundy from ‘Married with Children’, Howard Hughes, Paris Hilton, Yogi bears younger brother ‘Knobrot’ and the guy who shot President Kennedy’s sister.

The search continues.

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Welsh parents plan wild naked parties to celebrate kids going back to school

Parents all over Wales are planning on holding wild naked house parties tonight to celebrate the fact that their kids are going back to school tomorrow.

Police forces throughout the country have been put on standby to deal with the carnage of deliriously happy parents.

“I CANNOT wait,” said Kim Grumblegrots from Treorchy, “My kid’s been a right little shit these last few weeks. I’ve been ticking the days off my Cliff Richard calendar one by one and the day is nearly here! Once I’ve dropped him off at the school gates, I’m going to take off all my clothes and run naked through the village to celebrate.”

Mother-of-four, Lorraine Turbo-Tits added:

“I’ve managed to get through the six weeks via a Class A drugs and heavy sedation. Once the kids have gone back, it’ll be like taking a dump after being constipated for six weeks. It’s been hell.”
But for some parents, the joy has been tempered by news that the kids’ first day back is an Inset Day.

“Those bloody teachers – they just have to cram one more lie-in in, don’t they? After all that time they’ve had off over the summer, swanning off to Mexico and that! They’ve got another week off coming up in about six or seven weeks! It’s a disgrace.”

But one teacher hit back, saying “Go fock yourself. I’ve got to look after your shit of a kid for 40 weeks of the year.”

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Controversial plans to flatten Welsh mountains adopted by Welsh nationalist group

Controversial plans to flatten all of Wales’s mountains is being considered by a Welsh Nationalist Group in a bid to appeal to voters.

The plan would mean that Wales becomes larger than England according to Blodwyn ap Blodwyn who runs The Welsh Nationalist Independent Friends of Wales Association.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re fed up to the back teeth of being dictated to by Westminster. So we had a little think while we were down the club last night and we’ve come up with a vote-winning policy. Flattening all Welsh mountains would mean that Wales would become 29% larger than England. That would render Westminster’s ability to dictate to us totally obsolete. It’d also create 4 new jobs as we’d need some lads to flatten them out with some shovels. It’s a sure-fire win-win situation for Wales.”

But critics were quick to slam the plans, calling them ‘focking stupid’ and ‘piss talk’. Charles Smythe-Peacock, who heads the English Crusade to Take Over Wales, told WalesOnCraic:

“The idea’s absurd. This is obviously designed to win the Welsh vote but there’s absolutely no thought behind the policy. Blodwyn ap Blodwyn should resign with immediate effect.”

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South Wales Pensioner Set To Star On BBC Show Tumble After Hip-Op Balls-Up

A pensioner from Hirwaun is set to appear on BBC’s flagship Saturday night TV show Tumble after a mix-up at her local hospital.

Gladys Leathercotch, 67, has been asked to appear on the gymnastics-based show after a mishap at the hospital left her with an amazing and unique talent.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I went in for a hip replacement operation last month but the silly buggers put my replacement hip in back-to-front. I can’t walk very well as I keep walking one step forward and then one back. But then I found that I could cock my leg up and kick myself in the back of the head. I did it once by accident when my grandkids came round – little Jordan was nicking my Jammie Dodgers and I took a big swing at him with my left foot, completely missed and kicked myself in the back of the head. Oh how we laughed.”

BBC bosses heard about Gladys’s extraordinary talent and the following day, she had a phone call, asking her to appear on the popular show.

“I saw the first episode and thought it was a big pile of shite to be honest. But now that they’re paying me £14 to be on there, I love it – it’s the best show on telly.

“I’ll be doing a little dance and then at the end, I’ll cock my leg up and kick myself in the back of the head. God really does move in mysterious ways and I can’t wait to go down the club on Sunday night so everyone can say how good I was.” o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

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Ice Bucket Challenge Shrank My Face: Claim

A Welsh schoolboy is coming to terms with a slightly smaller face that he used to have, after his Ice Bucket Challenge went horribly wrong.

Gary Pinkballs, from Merthyr Tydfil, found his face shrank by 70% following the crazy charity stunt which has taken the world by storm. He told WalesOnCraic:




“All my mates were doing it on Facebook and I thought I was missing out because no-one was nominating me so I nominated myself and set my camera up to do it. I put a bucket of water on my head but for some reason, my face shrank really small. I don’t think it looks too bad except when I laugh – then my face goes a small as a button.”

Doctors were baffled as to why Gary’s face would shrink but his local GP did offer his thoughts:

“Gary’s always been a bit of an arsehole and I think that he’s been such an arsehole lately, that his face has literally shrank into the size of an arsehole. The fact that he put some water on his head at the precise moment that his face went small as an arsehole was purely coincidental. If I was his father, I’d have disowned him by now.”

Gary now plans to travel the world showing off his miniature face.

“I think the Chinese people would like to see me. They like things like that, don’t they?” he said.



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Rhondda Woman Sells Eyes to Buy TV

A woman from Rhondda who sold her left eye to buy a plasma TV has been tragically blinded in her right eye just days after buying it.

Last night she told the WalesOnCaric:

“I wanted to buy a colour TV to watch Coronation Street. But as I tuned it in, I tripped on a banana skin and the remote got lodged in my right socket squashing my eyeball like a tomato. It’s very lucky I live in an area of the Rhondda where most people have three eyes and I’m one of them.”

The lady, who wishes to remain anonymous told WalesOnCraic she’s terrified now that her third eye might fail. Every day she looks at her empty sockets and is reminded of an ever-growing number of victims preyed on by eye traders who are selling the good eyes of the poor to the rich.

“I’m terrified.” she said. o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o