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Cameron: Wales and Scotland To Get Their Own Weathers

David Cameron has announced that Wales and Scotland are to get their own weathers, following his recent promise in the wake of the Scottish referendum.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“The recent referendum has highlighted the need for change in the United Kingdom. And I plan to deliver real promise which is why I have instructed my cabinet to begin making plans to give Scotland and Wales their own weather. We cannot keep sharing our English weather with these two proud nations. Each nation has its own requirements and I plan to deliver on that promise.”

But Scottish First Minister criticised the plans, saying that they were ‘a load of hairy bollocks’.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“The plans are a load of hairy bollocks.”

But Welsh First Minister Derek Brockway welcomed the idea. He said:

“Alex Salmond has always been a whingeing little arse. He’ll never become happy unless he becomes King of Scotland. Macbeth was the same and he came a cropper. We welcome new weather to Wales. Hopefully we can have less rain and more sun and that way, we can welcome billions of people here to look at our mountains and stuff.”

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Swansea Woman: I Put On 32 Stone With SpeedySlim Shakes

A Swansea woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone.

Tammy Thundergunt, from Gorseinon, claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger. She told WalesOnCraic:

“I saw one of their adverts in Chat magazine and after my husband told me that I’d put on a bit of timber. I’d been putting on pound after pound after pound. I couldn’t understand it – I always had a Diet Coke when I went to the Harverster every lunchtime.”

Tammy started taking the slimming shakes last month in a bid to halt the weight gain.

“So I’ve been having one with my breakfast, one with my mid-morning snack, one with my lunch, one with my afternoon snack, one with my tea and one with my nightly takeaway. It’s a blatant contravention of the Trade Description Act – I’m now so big that I can’t even lift my fat arm to lift my remote control to change to BBC1 once Jeremy Kyle finishes.”

But husband, Timmy, who advised her not to buy the slimming shakes, told WalesOnCraic:

“She’s an eating machine. She says that it’s all related to her childhood but judging by the photos, she was a greedy shit back then too. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but she just can’t break the cycle. We lost our cat Tiddles for a few weeks last month. We found him wedged under Tammy’s gunt when she finally got up to take a dump.”

He added that he was hoping to make some money from her.

“Would you like to buy her? I’m selling her for £40. I’ll chuck in her unused treadmill for free.”

SpeedySlim spokeswoman, Linda Pertbutt, rejected the claims that SpeedySlim would add weight. She said:

“The woman’s talking out of her arsehole. That’s if she can find it of course.”

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Sad Welsh iPhone6 Twats Told to ‘Get a Life’

Sad twats camping outside an phone store in Wrexham for the new iPhone 6 have been told to ‘get a life’ by shop staff.

Up to 30 sad twats have been camping outside the store since Tuesday in a bid to become the first to get their hands on the new Apple hardware. But they have complained that they have become the butt of staff’s jokes. One told WalesOnCraic:

“This morning I had a few coins dropped into my lap. I know I look like a Penny-for-the-Guy but there’s no need to make a song and dance about it.”

Another added:

“I’ve had to take a three day break from Minecraft to come here. You think they’d treat us with a bit more respect.”

But staff member Kylie Turbotits, told WalesOnCraic:

“They can sit there all they like. We close for good tomorrow because our company Phone4U has gone to the shitters.”

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Jim McDonald gets £3.50 bonus every time he says ‘so it is’ on telly (so he does)

Actor Charles Lawson who plays Jim McDonald in Coronation Street is picking up a £3.50 bonus every time he says the phrase ‘so it is’ on Coronation Street (so he is).

Lawson, who hails from west Wales (very west Wales – very, very, very ie. Ireland) has recently returned to British TV screens, playing the crafty Jim McDonald character.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“Aye, I’ve been told by my bosses that I can earn £3.50 every time I say ‘so it is’ (so I can). After taking so much time out of work, I need that cash (so I do). It’s nice of them to offer it to me (so it is).”

But TV bosses have denied the rumours. A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“He’s talking out of his arsehole (so he is).”

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Alex Salmond ‘Crapping His Kecks’ After Realising He Might Have To Actually Run Scotland

  • Scotland’s First Minister On Brink of History

  • 120% of Welsh People Couldn’t Give a Shit

  • Results Known After Referendum

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond is reportedly ‘crapping his kecks’ after realising that he might have to actually run Scotland himself in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote.

Salmond, who has dedicated his life on getting an independent Scotland, is on the brink of history as the Scottish public decide today whether to go it alone. But a close friend and ally, Jim McJimbobMcRae, told WalesOnCraic:

“The lad’s shitting himself. He’s suddenly confronted with the fact that he’s moving out of ‘home’ and that he’ll have to start being accountable for his own finances. He hasn’t slept for weeks.”

But another friend told WalesOnCraic:

“He knows what he’s doing. He’s a sensible man.”

It comes as a new poll suggests that 120% of Welsh people don’t give two tosses about who wins the referendum. One member of the public told WalesOnCraic:

“Surely if they go, then that’s more money for us from Westminster? Lovely. I’ll have a bit of that. Thanks butt.”

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Desperate Cameron Now Offers Full Independence to Scots ‘No’ Voters

The three main leaders of the three main Westminster parties have offered Scotland full and unfettered independence from the UK if they vote ‘No’ in a desperate attempt to stop people voting ‘Yes’ in the forthcoming referendum.

David Cameron, that dopey Miliband bloke, plus the other one, have all signed a document that will give Scotland full independence – on the condition that they vote ‘No’.

Cameron told WalesOnCraic:

“It seems that the Scottish people have already decided to break away from the United Kingdom. But the last thing we want is people actually saying ‘Yes’ to Emperor Salmond at this referendum so we thought we’d offer independence anyway as part of a ‘No’ vote, just to piss him off.”

A spokeswoman for the Scottish nationalists told WalesOnCraic:

“Och aye the nicky noo.” among other stereotypical outbursts before she went to order a battered Mars bar and do a Highland jig.

Voters go to the polls on Thursday to decide the fate of the Scottish nation.

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Calls For Barry Chuckle To Replace Ole Gunnar Solskjær as Cardiff Manager

Calls have been made to replace Cardiff City boss Ole Gunnar Solskjær with Barry Chuckle, following a miserable start to the season.

Fans were unhappy after City slumped to a 4-2 defeat at Norwich on the weekend, after they were leading 2-0 at half time.

Fan Derek ‘Blue’ Bird told WalesOnCraic:

“Ole Gunnar Solskjær must go and go now. I know he has lovely curly hair and that he looks like that one out of Lord of the Rings but we are a proud footballing city and it’s embarrassing. We demand that Barry Chuckle is installed as manager immediately – he’s got the knowledge and the nous to get us out of this mess.”

But Barry Chuckle’s manager told WalesOnCraic:

“Barry’s busy getting ready for this year’s panto and in any case, he’s not really a fan of football but thanks for the interest.”

But fans were adamant that the smaller Chuckle is their man:

“Forget Paul and his fluffy flattop – Barry’s our man. And if we lose again, we won’t mind because he can break out in a pratfall and make all the kids laugh.”

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Scottish Nationalists ‘To Ask Wales For a Few Thousand Sheep In Case Their Oil Industry Goes Tits Up’

The Scottish Nationalist Party are poised to ask Wales for ‘a few thousand sheep’ amid fears that their oil industry could go tits up after a ‘Yes’ vote in the forthcoming referendum.

The party, hoping to declare independence from the UK on Thursday are covering all eventualities in preparation for an independent Scotland.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“I went to Scouts when I was a kid, and apart from having my bare buttocks gently caressed by the Sixer, we were told to always be ready. As part of our strategy for long-term economic stability in Scotland, we are preparing in case our oil industry goes tits up. To do this, we are asking our Celtic cousins in Wales for a few thousand sheep. This will help us set up a global, multi-billion wool industry should we be invaded by Russia because we have no air force, army or navy.”

Welsh farmers reacted with anger at the announcement. One farmer told WalesOnCraic:

“They can piss off if they think they’re getting their hands on our sheep. They’ve been going around asking everyone what they can take but they’re not offering anything back. If they vote ‘yes’, good luck to them, but don’t come creeping round our valleys when it all goes wrong.”

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Welsh men to receive free ‘how-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons

Men in Wales are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes.

The Welsh Government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens.

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved ones. But sadly, when the missis takes her plate back to the kitchen when she’s finished, all hell breaks loose when she sees the state of the kitchen. It’s often the cause of long silences on the sofa for the rest of the evening. We at the Welsh Government are looking to nip this in the bud by teaching men how to wash up as they go along.”

The initiative forms part of the Government’s strategy to halt the decline of divorces in Wales. Figures show that messy kitchens accounted for 96% of divorces in Wales in 2013. One woman told WalesOnCraic:

“We really don’t know how these men manage it. They manage to use EVERY plate, EVERY saucepan and EVERY knife and fork, just to boil an egg! Whereas we women like to wash as we go along, and in some cases, clean the kitchen before we sit down and eat our meal, men show a distinct lack of cleanliness and order. We welcome these new classes so we can show them how it’s really done.”

Classes will be rolled out across Wales in October, to run alongside with the existing ‘Teaching Men How To Put Things Back Where They Belong’ classes.

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All Scottish People Should Be Deported From Wales In The Event of a Yes Vote: CLAIM

Calls have been made for the immediate deportation all Scottish people living in Wales in the event of a ‘Yes’ vote on Thursday.

The calls come from the group ‘We’re All In This Together’, who are campaigning for a ‘no’ vote.

Chairwoman Charlotte Lardarse told WalesOnCraic:

“If the Scottish want their own way, then fine. But they must realise that they will be treated in exactly the same way as any other immigrants to Wales. They can’t come over here taking all our jobs. For those who are already here – well they can piss of back to where they came from. They can go and get a job in the oil industry up there seeing as it’s so bloody lucrative.”

But critics have pointed out that it’d be impossible to deport everyone of Scottish descent from Wales. Gary McTartan told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve been here for years, copulating with the Welsh women and spawning mini versions of ourselves. What are they proposing? That we separate families? The woman’s talking out of her arsehole.”