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Rhyl Brothel To Add New Service for Sheep Lovers

A North Wales brothel is launching a new service to help meet demand from sheep lovers.

Hot Bums Leisure House in Rhyl will be staging naked dancing sheep, with private rooms for those who want a more intimate sheep experience.

It’s all the brainchild of Lancashire promoter Ian Shortarse. He told WalesOnCraic:

“Well it was obvious to us that when we opened a new venue in Rhyl, that we had to cater for the sheep lovers. That’s what you all do innit? Shag sheep? Ah man, I’m so funny.”

But the announcement has been met with criticism from some Welsh lads.

Terry Tightcheeks told WalesOnCraic:

“They can tart them up as much as they want but there’s no replacing doing it in a field when you know the farmer’s having his tea.”

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Welsh police given new powers to beat holy shit out of motorists who don’t indicate

Welsh police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate.

The Welsh Assembly announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go.

Assembly spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told WalesOnCraic:

“They’ve facking dickheads. They fly around roundabouts without giving a shit and then pull over at the last minute so we have to slam on our brakes. Indicators are there for a reason and if they’re not going to use them, they’ll feel the full weight of the law coming down on them.”

Police chief PC Plod said that his force looked forward to implementing the new rules.

“We can’t wait. Me and the boys have ordered some new extra hard truncheons off Amazon and we look forward to beating the shit out of people who don’t indicate.”

Critics have pointed out that the new rule is excessive. Motorist Claire GoggleEyes told WalesOnCraic:

“I never indicate. I like people to second guess where I’m going. I love it, especially when I pull over to go to the Co-op and wait until the last possible minute to pull over without indicating. I love looking in the mirror and seeing the irate driver’s face behind me.”

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Riots At Tesco Customer Service Desk After Shoppers Return To Get Refunds On Shit They Bought on Black Friday

Full-scale riots have broken out at a Cardiff Tesco store after shoppers returned to the store demanding refunds on the shit they bought on Black Friday.

Staff had to close the store after rioters ripped the Customer Services desk apart and left trolleys hanging around in aisles.

Manager John Wideboy told WalesOnCraic:

“They were like animals. They came in here intent on destruction and as such, our Customer Service Manager Tina Droopyboobs has had to take a day off work with stress.”

Shoppers were angry that they were sold a load of shit. One told WalesOnCraic:

“I came in here last night looking for a bargain. And what did I get? Some shitty Blaupunkt load of bollocks that I can’t even watch the darts on. I’m using it now as a door stop.”

Police said that there were no arrests, although a few of the rioters were beaten with rubber hoses.

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Aberdare corner shop launches new range of Coco-Cola bottles names

A Welsh corner shop has started stocking a new range of ‘named’ Coco Cola drinks, featuring such names as Dickhead, Wanker and Arsehole. Late Night Siopa Shop in Aberdare has already sold out of its first batch.

The new range comes in response to customer demand and shop owner Dai Sorefeet is hoping to cash in on the new product.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I’m fed up of all the supermarkets creaming the cat’s share of the cream of the….hang on. Let me start that again.

“I’m fed up of everyone else making money and not me so I’ve started this new range of Coke bottles which seem to be proving very popular. I’ve had a few suggestions for a few more names so I might add them on to my next batch.”

Shopper Tina Largecalves told WalesOnCraic:

“I bought seven of these for my husband. It’s the perfect gift for him because he’s a right arsehole.”

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Beaujolais Day renamed ‘Middle-Aged Welsh Women Getting Shit-Faced’ Day

The world-famous Beaujolais Day, which takes place on the third Thursday of November, has been re-named ‘Middle-Aged Women Getting Shit-Faced’ Day.

It’s as much a part of 1980s folklore as massive mobile phones, shoulder pads and personal organisers. On the third Thursday of every November, the City of London was awash with celebrations for the arrival of Beaujolais Nouveau. But now Welsh women are using it as an excuse to get absolutely shit-faced.

Middle-aged woman, Donna ExtraGunt, told WalesOnCraic:

“I just goes with the flow me. Someone on the bus said it was Beaujolais Day and that’s a good enough excuse for me to get totally shit-faced. I’m on my way to Tesco now to get some.”

But critics have pointed out that people are falling for a pre-ordained marketing ploy.

“It’s cynical.” said marketing expert Timothy Tightarse. “These wine-making companies know that Welsh middle-aged women need next to no excuse to drink.”

But ExtraGunt responded to the claims, saying:

“I couldn’t give a shit if I’m falling for a pre-ordained marketing ploy – it sounds just the ticket for me!”

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I’m A Celebrity Quitter Gemma Collins Offered £20 to Spend a Month In Bedlinog in Reality TV Special

I’m a Celebrity flop Gemma Collins has been offered to spend a month in Bedlinog as part of a reality TV show.

The larger-than-life celebrity has been offer £20 to see if she can last in one of Wales’s most famous and exotic locations by TV company TalentWales.

Boss Ernie Sinkhole told WalesOnCraic:

“Having last two minutes in the jungle without any of life’s little luxuries, we were keen to see how she’d deal with life in the real world. We’ll give her a bus pass so she can get down to Greggs but she’ll have to buy and cook her own food.”

The TOWIE star will spend the next few weeks in a plush hotel in Australia, spending her fee on food, drink and gifts. TalentWales are hoping to catch up with her when she arrives back in the UK.

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Genghis Siân and the Welsh Nationalists (East Chepstow Division): We’re Ready to Invade England

The leader of a small Welsh Nationalist group has told WalesOnCraic that she and her nationalist colleagues are ready to invade England, and bring it under Welsh control.

Siân ap Iolo, commonly known as Genghis Siân and has a tattoo of the Welsh flag on her nose, plans to invade England on Saturday. She hopes to reach London by Tuesday. She told WalesOnCraic:

“We’re ready to claim what is rightfully ours. We cannot live under this English rule any longer. We plan to attack on Saturday when X Factor is on so that we catch them unawares. By Monday, we should have Bristol under our control. And on Tuesday, we’ll catch the train to London and take over control there.”

This is Siân’s second attempt to invade England. She tried once in October 2013, but came back home after 3 hours because she was too cold.

“I’m determined this time. Me and Gethin and Derwyn are really up for it. We’ve got all our sandwiches made and I’ve even gone and bought a multipack of Monster Munch to keep us going. I can’t wait. I just love Wales so much that I want the whole world to be it.”

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Welsh Band Release Crap Christmas Single – And Insist You Buy It ‘Because It’s For Charity’

A Welsh band is following in the footsteps of Band Aid 30 by releasing a shit single and telling people to buy it ‘because it’s a charity single’.

Welsh rockers Turds of Misery, have released a song that their lead singer Freddy Twmpath wrote when he was on the toilet. They hope to raise £50 for a local charity that looks to rehome lost rabbits.

Twmpath told WalesOnCraic:

“The song is really, really shit. But we dragged the school choir in here to tart it up a little. We don’t really care what it sounds like to be honest but you do need to buy it because it’s for a good cause. Them poor rabbits – they all need a loving home you know.”

But critics have pointed out that releasing a single could have been avoided. Neighbour Jim LargeArse told WalesOnCraic:

“The fakking noise that was coming from their bedroom was shocking. Why couldn’t they raise money by doing something crazy like sitting in a bath full of baked beans. They do it on Children in Need – why not here?”

The single will be available from all good retailers and some crap ones.

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Welsh men to get free evening classes to learn how to put things back once they’ve used them

Men in Wales are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them.

The Welsh Assembly has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to endless domestic disputes.

Assembly spokesman Brian Boring told WalesOnCraic:

“We often get girls in here moaning that their fella hasn’t put a certain item back where it belongs in their house. It could be the measuring tape, it could be a set of keys. We’re finding that more and more lads are using things and then not putting them back where they belong.”

The classes will include:

• Understanding why things need to go back to where you picked them up from
• Learning how to put things back in the place that they belong
• Why making excuses for not finding items around the house is fruitless

It is hoped that the classes will bring about a more organised society in Wales and also bring down the percentage of domestic arguments.

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Mexican Bandits Hijack Corona Christmas Lorry in Merthyr

The Corona Christmas Lorry has been hijacked by Mexican bandits in Merthyr Tydfil.

The festive lorry, which is travelling the length and breadth of Wales giving out free cherryade was stopped as it left Merthyr last night. It is believed that the bandits were demanding free American Soda and some bottles of Limeade.

Corona boss Garry Popman told WalesOnCraic:

“They just came out of nowhere. They rode their horses out into the rode and because I’m an animal lover, I stopped the lorry because I wanted to smooth them – the horses that is, not the bandits. The bandits then started shooting their guns and and singing some sort of Mariachi before riding up to us and asking us for free pop.”

The hijack follows are recent attack on a Valley Lines train between Cardiff and Pontypridd which left a staff member with a grazed knee.

“I don’t know why they have to be so nasty about it.” said Popman. “Our aim is to bring Christmas cheer to all and then these guys turn up and it all goes to shit. Why can’t they pay for it like other people? We do a great delivery service and you even get money back on your old bottles.”