A Welsh business is exporting up to 100 Welsh brides to wealthy Thai businessmen a week.
Dai Brides 4 U, which is based in Treorchy, was set up in 2012 by owner Dai Sleazeball. He founded the company after spotting a gap in the market while on holiday in Yemen. The company is now set to feature in the Top 50 Fastest-Growing Welsh Business List.
Dai told WalesOnCraic:
“I was at this hotel on my hollybobs when I noticed a lot of the lads taking an interest in my wife. She’s not exactly a looker so I couldn’t understand it. After a few sherberts, I asked a group of them why they were taking so much interest in my lady. They told me that most Asian women don’t have the massive scuds that the Welsh girls do. They told me that they tune into The One Show just to have a perv at Alex Jones and her big bazookas. It was when I was lying in bed that night that I had my idea to sell Welsh brides to them. As soon as I got back to Treorchy, I signed up a few of the mingers from down the pub and made myself £20,000. I haven’t looked back since.”
Brides-to-be Sandy Sweatycleft applied to be married off after her boyfriend Kyle was imprisoned for holding up a branch of Kwik Save. She told WalesOnCraic:
“I can’t wait to be wine, dined and sixty-nined by some wealthy Asian guy. I don’t care who he is. I just hope he books me a nice seat on the plane over – hopefully one with extra leg room so I can give my beaver a bit of an airing before I meet him.”
Welsh Facebook users have told WalesOnCraic that people posting their first ever Facebook profile pictures only serves to remind us how old and ugly our friends have become over the years.
The trend of people posting their first profile pictures has peaked following some stupid-arsed status nominating people to post their first ever Facebook picture.
But Welsh Facebook users have said that they really, really couldn’t give a shit. Facebook user Jessica Bigclit told WalesOnCraic:
“I really, really couldn’t give a shit about other people’s first Facebook profile pictures. If anything, it serves as a reminder as to how old and ugly my friends have got over the years. I shan’t be posting mine. I used to be lush but now I’m a fat twat. I don’t want people pointing that out.”
Another Facebook user, Danny Stinkydick added:
“My first profile picture was of me when I was half-decent looking. Today, I just look like some wrinkled up turd. I shan’t be posting mine either and I would urge others not to post theirs either.”
Schools in north Wales are set to get new state-of-the-art computers to help educate them about Information Technology.
Seven schools in Pwllheli are set to take delivery of BBC Micro computers, which local councils insist, will help develop a healthy interest in technology.
Headteacher Brian Bighead told WalesOnCraic:
“This comes two months after we were connected to the National Grid so we are delighted. It means that our students will now be equipped with the best equipment available for the new digital age. I’ve been down to Kwik Save to buy them some blank tapes so that they can save anything that they might do on them.”
But critics have pointed out that students may use them for other, less educational purposes.
Rita Drygusset said:
“We’ve heard all about these so-called computers. I’ve also heard that people can play games on these things and that’s not going to teach anyone anything. I think we should go back to the quill, which has served us well over the last 200 years.”
A Treherbert mother of six has been arrested after claiming to her insurance company that her house had been stuck by a mini tornado. In fact, her house was just a shithole that she couldn’t be arsed to clean.
Elizabeth Slackflaps, 19, called Admiral Insurance to say that her terraced home had been struck by strong winds in the early hours. Police became suspicious when they noticed that none of the other houses in her street had been struck.
PC Plod told WalesOnCraic:
“There was shit all over the place – dirty nappies, cigarette butts and copies of Hello magazine. The place was a right tip. We think that Slackflaps was just after a bit of money so she could get herself a new pair of tits.”
Slackflaps was later released on bail, but told WalesOnCraic:
“It was a mini tornado, honest. I was lying there thinking how strong the wind was and the next minute, there was shit all over the place. I don’t know why I’ve been arrested. This would never happen on TOWIE.”
Hailstones the size of King Kong’s bollocks have flattened cars and houses in Haverfordwest overnight.
The huge chunks of ice, some measuring 15ft wide, wiped out several vehicles and also took out a milkman who was out delivering milk (like he’s supposed to).
One car owner, who didn’t want to be named, told WalesOnCraic:
“It was awful. One minute I’m there up to my nuts in guts with the missis, and the next minute, my car alarm’s going off. I ran to my window and there was my pickup truck – with a massive fuckoff hailstone on it. I was mortified.”
The milkman, who was knocked flying by a 10ft hailstone, was taken to hospital. His milk float was relieved of his milk by several care home staff, who are now having a Milk Shake Morning at Leathercrotch Care Home.
Parts of Wales were also hit by ‘thundersnow’, which is a shit combination of thunder and snow. It woke several people up who are now at work grumpy.
The Samaritans have been put on high alert after it was announced that Morrissey is due to play in Wales this spring.
The miserable twat of a singer, who counts punching himself in the face as a hobby, is due to play the Motorpoint Arena in Cardiff this March. But the confidential hotline for distressed people has been placed on standby for both before and after the gig.
Smiths lover Janet GreenTeeth told WalesOnCraic:
“I can’t wait to see him so he can tell us all how much he hates us. I hate him too but in a love kind of way. I can’t wait to hear him warble on the same note throughout the entire concert – it’s what we love about him.”
But Samaritans worker Glen Smiley said:
“We’ve had to recruit extra staff after hearing the news that Morrissey is on his way to Wales. We’re opening 400 new telephone lines and we’ll also be down outside the Motorpoint offering people hugs afterwards. We’re expecting to see lots of people who still live in the 80s down there so we’ve put on a bus back to Ferndale especially.”
Police have been called to the Upper Swansea Valley village of Ystradcrave after reports of thieves making off with all the colour from the surrounding area.
Ystradcrave community councillor Rob Knob made the discovery at around 7.30am yesterday morning.
The 48-year-old trainee brush operator said:
“It was just like another day when I woke up but when I opened the curtains it was like a scene from Doctor Who; only scarier. There wasn’t any colour anywhere. Usually it’s very pretty with the greens and browns of the valley stretching towards the Brecon Beacons but now all that has gone. There’s no colour whatsoever.
“I was pretty freaked-out by it all to be honest. I once went blind for a bit after drinking furniture polish when I was a kid but this is worse.”
Sergeant Ray Chisum, of Dyfed Powys Police, said:
“We are treating this incident very seriously and will be mounting a full-scale search of the area as soon as we are able to dig our patrol car out of the snow.”
A Barry Zumba teacher has started Naked Zumba classes in a bid to get more straight men into his classes.
Darren Tightbuns, who runs SweatyCleft Fitness, is aiming to run the first full-time naked Zumba class in Wales.
He told WalesOnCraic:
“It’s the only way I can think of for getting straight guys in. I’ve tried all sorts of special offers but none of them seemed to work. I put an offer in the Barry & District last week – what a waste of money that was. So I went down Barry Leisure Centre and asked the lads down there what they’d like to see in a Zumba class and most of them said ‘hot, naked, sweaty women’. So from now on, all my classes are naked ones.”
One Zumba-goer, Anne DoubleGunt told WalesOnCraic:
“Yeah, I don’t mind getting my bits out for the lads. We’d do anything to help Darren. He’s a great lad. I do need to warn the lads though that there’ll be all sorts flying round – tits, bingo wings and massive arse cheeks. It could get ugly in there.”
But another fitness fan told WalesOnCraic:
“I don’t really fancy seeing other people’s bits and bobs to be honest. I think I’ll stay at home and watch Stars In Their Eyes. I taped it last night. They’ve just brought it back. I’m hoping that Harry Hill will be as good as Matthew Kelly was in his day.”
A Welsh zoo has been fined £20 for breaking the Trade Descriptions Act.
Pontygwynt Zoo in Monmouthshire painted a horse in black and white stripes and advertised it to the public as a zebra called Deborah.
Manager Tony FatArse told WalesOnCraic:
“We would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the public. Times are hard at the moment and we needed to try and do something to draw in the punters. One of the girls at the zoo came up with the idea so it was nothing to do with me but I did think it was a good idea to introduce something a bit more exotic than a horse. But she can pay the £20 fine though.”
The ruse was discovered by children who were feeding the zebra last week. Rain caused the black and white stripes to wash off, leaving some children distressed.
One parent told WalesOnCraic:
“I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was as if this zebra was melting. No wonder it wasn’t responding when I was calling it Deborah. The kids were in tears. I had to take them to Tesco and get some horse burgers to cheer them up.”
It turned out that the horse was in fact called Tina.
Comedian Harry Hill has been arrested for the ‘murder of Stars In Their Eyes’, according to reports.
The star, who hosted the revamped show last night, came under heavy fire for adding his brand of comedy to the show. Police arrested him in the early hours of this morning.
TV viewer Brenda BoggleEyes told WalesOnCraic:
“It was awful. I was hoping for a dated 90s version of the show – like the ones they constantly put on Challenge TV every day. But Harry ruined it. It was all about him. I shan’t be watching again.”
Another viewer told WalesOnCraic:
“I watched the first bit and then had to turn over. Sadly, it was to the BBC who were airing The Voice. There was nothing for it other than to get completely off my tits. I feel like shit today and I personally blame Harry Hill.”
Stars In Their Eyes is a singing competition where members of the general public dress up as their idols and sing one of their songs. It was formerly hosted by Matthew Kelly and one of the show’s many highlights was Chris de Burgh singing with Chris de Burgh.