A few snowy showers having around in the morning but nothing major. The sun will eventually pop his head out to say hello and things will gradually brighten up. Feeling cold though. Maximum temperature 5°C.
Down on the farm, we were all prepared for the earth-shattering blizzard that never came. So we packed away our toboggans and moped around the farm with faces like slapped arses.
Every day this week, our trainee Sports Reporter Gary TwoSheds will take a look at each of the teams in this year’s Six Nations and assess their chances of success. Today, it’s the turn of Italy.
When Italy joined the then Five Nations to create the Six Nations, most people expected Italy to be the whipping boys of the tournament. And Italy have mostly lived up to that title.
One of the most exciting things about Italy is their anthem, which is often shouted as opposed to sung.
Over the last few years, they’ve also lit up the tournament with cunning ploys like the ‘no man in a ruck’ tactic, which meant that there was no offside line. Instead, players stood well back and Italian fans followed suit by standing 10 ft back from the bar when they went to drown their sorrows after the game.
Captain this year is Sergio Parisse, often referred to as The Mighty Sergio Parisse. He’ll be leading Italy out against Scotland for their first game this weekend. Scotland, once proud Wooden Spooners themselves will be looking to make a name for themselves at home. Italy will be without their playmaker – that one who used to have massive sideboards. I forget his name. You know the one. He had dreadlocks. Ah shit. What was his name? Little scrum half fella. Ah balls. Him. They’ll be without him. He retired years ago.
They currently reside at 15th in the World rankings and although coach Conor O’Shea insists that they are making progress, Italy enter this year’s Six Nations looking to end a run of 17 straight defeats. Once again they will be defending their place in the Six Nations but we all know that should they leave the competition, it just wouldn’t be the same without them.
Image: Alessio Bragadini
Wales has been brought to its knees after suffering half an inch of falling jack shit.
In some places, 6ft of jack shit fell, leaving many struggling to cope.
One South Wales resident said:
“I woke up to find our home completely covered in jack shit. We are lucky that I went out and bought our local shop’s entire stock of bread and milk. We’d be shafted otherwise. My daughter was supposed to be going to work but phoned in to take the day off. God knows how she would have coped if she had to go in.”
Forecasters say that there’s more jack shit on its way over the next few days.
Billy BoggleEyes of the Welsh Institute of Weathery Stuff said:
“We’ve got a load of nothing coming into the country next week, bringing with it not much at all. The people of Wales can expect nothing at all to happen, as we have witnessed here today.”
Police are looking into reports that some snow fell in England.
Every day this week, our trainee Sports Reporter Gary TwoSheds will take a look at each of the teams in this year’s Six Nations and assess their chances of success. Today, it’s the turn of Ireland.
Ireland go into this year’s Six Nations as favourites. Why? Because they’re too frigging good.
Ireland really won’t give a shit about beating England in their first game because they’ve got bigger fish to fry – namely the World Cup.
That’s all I’m going to write about Ireland. They’ve got two anthems and they’re going to win this year’s title so that’s all the attention I’m prepared to give to them.
A cold and nipply start to the day with some wintry showers hanging around. They’ll gradually fade away, leaving lots of sunshine for all of us. Maximum temperature 6°C.
Down on the farm, Farmer and Mrs Honey have been struggling with the cold, especially as their boiler broke down. They’ve resorted to wrapping themselves up in several coats and hot water bottles and not moving for hours on end.
A woman from Treorchy has told her friends that she’s going to wear jeans and a nice top on her night out.
Kelly Jigglebelly is going out on Thursday to celebrate the divorce from her dickhead husband Terry.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“I’m going out on Thursday and I wanted to buy something nice to wear but I spent five hours looking around New Look earlier today but couldn’t find anything. I’ve decided to wear something that I’ve worn before but I hope that they won’t recognise it. I’ve decided to wear jeans and a nice top.”
Friend Sheila said:
“She’s a boring twat but I’ll be wearing jeans and a nice top too.”
A petition has been launched in Wales to shorten January by a few days.
Critics of the month say that January really is taking the piss now.
Organiser Jeff Smoothcleft told WalesOnCraic:
“I’m sick and tired of January. 31 fricking days? Whose fricking idea was that? The last time I got paid was in the middle of December and I had to spend all that on my fricking family for Christmas. Not that they deserved it. Over a month later, I’m still struggling to pay for beer down the pub and there’s still a few days to go before fricking payday. We demand that the government shortens January by a good few weeks or so. That way, I’ll still be able to go down the pub and afford to get pissed.”
A spokeswoman for the Government said:
“We’ll take a look at it but I’m rich so it doesn’t really affect me. Thanks.”
A polar bear has been spotted in Pontypridd.
The Arctic beast was spotted hanging around outside a Greggs shop, looking for quality food.
Eye-witness Billy Lyer told WalesOnCraic:
“I was coming down the street like I always do and I could hardly see up ahead because of the blizzard. I had my thermals and that on because I didn’t want to get stuck out in the show. Then, all of a sudden, up ahead of me, I could see a huge shape slowly making its way across the street and heading to Greggs. I thought that it was my wife because she likes to go there at the end of the day to see if they’ve got any stuff that they’re selling off cheap. But then I remembered that my wife was at home watching The Chase. I looked a bit harder and then realised that it was a polar bear. I was so shocked because I wouldn’t expect to see a polar bear here on a Tuesday.”
Experts think that the bear may have drifted south from the North Pole in search for food.
“I think it may have drifted south from the North Pole in search for food,” said Yvonne Cleverclogs. “I don’t know what he or she hoped to find in Greggs mind.”
Shops across Wales have sold out of huskies, ahead of the snow forecast to hit the country.
Half a centimetre of snow is expected to fall on Wales, causing chaos and disruption nationwide.
A spokeswoman for The Association of Shops That Sell Huskies said:
“We tend to see a rush on huskies at this time of year but the alarmist headlines put out by people like yourselves has caused some panic buying this week. Sales of huskies have gone through the roof and we’ve been struggling to keep up with demand. In some instances, we’ve even been selling poodles dressed up as huskies just to make ourselves a bit of money while we can. With all this snow forecast, you can expect us to be selling all kinds of breeds and passing them off as huskies.”
One shopper said:
“I needs a husky so I can go get my beer for Friday night. I’m not watching Wales play France with nothing but a cup of pissy tea. A husky is imperative to me right now.”