A woman from South Wales has said ‘Oo, it’s close’ for the 43rd time today.
Emily Blundergunt repeated the phrase, despite still not knowing exactly what’s ‘close’.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“Oof, it’s close. I honestly can’t remember the last time it was this close. It’s like we need a good thunderstorm to clear the air. I’ve been saying that it’s close all day today. As soon as I woke up this morning, I turned to my husband and said ‘Oo, it’s close’. Then I turned to my boyfriend and said the same thing to him too. It’s like it’s warm but it’s not warm. The sun’s not out yet it’s still hot. I’ve got sweat patches under my tits and I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep again tonight. I may sleep with one leg out of the duvet. That seems to work.”
Weather experts have predicted that it’ll be close for the next few days.
Seeing as it’s Friday, I’ve booked you all in for a lovely day with wall-to-wall sunshine and light winds. No need to thank me. Maximum temperature of 19°C.
Down on the farm, Farmer Honey’s putting the music festival on hold for the weekend so that he can get pissed. It’s been a few weeks since he got sloshed and is still recovering from the last time he had too many beers and ended up sleeping in the barn. What went on that night will remain a secret as long as he keeps up the regular payments.
Sunny spells and scattered showers are the order of the day. Some of the showers will be heavy and there’ll be a little bit of breeze thrown in for good measure. It should brighten up later. Maximum temperature of 18°C.
Down on the farm, Farmer Honey’s still working on his music festival idea. He’s watched Wayne’s World 2 twice for inspiration but has still yet to make any firm plans. The only thing he is certain of is that fact that he will need lots of mud to make it competitive with Glastonbury.
New signs featuring the picture of a cock and balls are to appear on roads across the UK to warn drivers of wanker drivers ahead.
The new signs will be placed on the outskirts of many British cities and towns as part of a pilot scheme.
A spokesman for the Ministry of Road Signs said:
“We all know those places across the UK where wanker drivers live. We thought it was only fair to introduce these new signs to give other motorists some warning as to what to expect. These new signs will feature a picture of a cock and balls to remind drivers that these wanker drivers are among us and can pull out in front of you at any given moment. We’d like to think that this will reduce the amount of accidents caused by wanker drivers, and I personally think it’s nice to see cock and balls out on the roads.”
It is estimated that there are over 3 million wanker drivers in the UK. Research suggests that most of them aren’t even aware that they are wanker drivers.
The new signs will start appearing next month.
A missing woman from Brecon has been found alive and well underneath a mountain of washing.
Nina Bumskid went missing last weekend but her husband Joe found her under a pile of dirty washing this morning.
She told WalesOnCraic:
“It was scary. I thought I’d get some washing done over the weekend and before I knew it, I was buried underneath it. I called out for help but Joe was too busy watching sport on the telly and the kids were out the back playing. The washing was too heavy for me to lift and after a few hours, I was resigned to the fact that I was stuck there. Luckily, I had a packet of mini Jammy Dodgers in my pocket, which I was able to survive on but I’ve been busting for a wee for the last five days. The only reason Joe found me was because he was looking for clean socks to wear and as I hadn’t done any washing, he went back to the dirty washing basket to find a dirty pair. I think he must have missed me terribly.”
Husband Joe said:
“Nina? Missing? Was she? Oh. I didn’t notice. Thanks for letting me know.”
Moist for some first thing in the morning but any showers will move away by lunchtime, leaving mostly sunny spells across Wales. There will be some isolated showers – just to cover my arse. Maximum temperature of 18°C.
Down on the farm, Farmer Honey’s been looking at new ways to make money over the summer so he’s come up with an idea for some kind of music festival. He’s made a list of musicians and bands he wants to play and he’s currently on the toilet thinking up a name for it. He may be there a while.
A woman from Pyle has filed for divorce from her husband after he made her triangular sandwiches for work.
Tracy Widecalves usually makes her own rectangular sandwiches but got up late after going on the lash last night.
Heart-broken husband Simon said:
“I was only trying to help. I know that she usually makes her own sandwiches in the mornings because the leaves the place like a shit-tip and I’m the one who has to clean up after her. What I didn’t know was that she makes rectangular sandwiches. Where I come from, it’s triangles all the way. I wrapped them up lovingly in silver foil and even popped a boiled egg in her sandwich box. I also left a little love note in with her packed lunch and was hoping to get a nice phone call, saying what an amazing husband I was. Instead, I got a letter from our solicitor, asking for a divorce.”
Tracy told WalesOnCraic that she’s never had triangular sandwiches in her life.
“I opened the box and said to myself ‘Is this a joke?’. It was then that I realised that it wasn’t a joke and now Simon won’t be the one laughing on the other side of his boot. Or something.”
The tropical heatwave that’s currently crippling Wales is due to last for another few weeks say experts.
The nation has been wilting under scorching 16°C temperatures, and weather experts say that we can expect at least another few months of it.
Meteorological expert Bernie Cumulus told WalesOnCraic:
“I don’t know how we’ve been surviving all these weeks. Last week, I had to open the window – it was THAT hot! My neighbour even took out his patio chairs from his shed and sat there for a while. We’re not prepared for this kind of weather. People in tropical places like Benidorm and Tenerife are used to this sort of thing. But not us Welshies. I had to turn my heating off last week and looking at my charts, I can’t see an end in sight. I think it’s all down to climate change and all those people in the 80s that used to use spray deodorants. I blame them. They didn’t think of us – the kids – did they?”
More cloud is expected to linger over Wales like a bad fart for the next few days. Schools and hospitals have been put on standby in case temperatures creep up to 17°C.
A woman from Bangor has completely planned her new kitchen while having sex with her husband.
Betti Wideflange even chose her new worktops and doorknobs while husband Terry went at it like a dog with two dicks.
Betti told WalesOnCraic:
“It was nice to get some me time while Terry was having a go. It gave me time to figure out my new kitchen from top to bottom. I’ve decided to go with neutral colours but with dark worktops because Terry’s always spilling butter and jam and I don’t want those stains showing up. While Terry was banging away, I figured out that I could get away with having a breakfast bar. I’ve always wanted one of those. I’ll pop to Homebase today and see what they say. I’ve seen some nice doorknobs that would go well with the ones I’ve got in my downstairs bathroom. Continuity is important I think – I read about origami in a Bella magazine once and I think I’m a bit of an expert now. And I’d like the ceiling all Artxed.”
Husband Terry said:
“Wow. That was great. I feel like such a stud. I love my wife and she loved that!”
Weather experts have predicted that Wales will get warm rain this summer.
The warm rain will replace the jack shit levels of sunshine we’ve been getting this summer.
Weather expert Derek the Weathersheep told WalesOnCraic:
“So far, we’ve had sod all in the way of sunshine but Mother Nature has a great way of making up for that. This summer, we can expect our rain to be nice and warm – the sort of wet warmth you get when you piss yourself in a swimming pool. With rain forecast from now until October, we’ve got plenty to look forward to. The lack of sunshine can be blamed on all kinds of things – climate change, the Government and of course, the weather. We can expect downpours of warm rain throughout the coming months. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go and check my charts.”
Wales is currently experiencing its wettest day since yesterday. Experts predict that all summers will be like this unless they’re not.