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Cold weather ‘set to last until it gets warmer’

cold-as-fuck

The current cold snap affecting the UK is set to last until we get some warm weather, according to experts.

Temperatures across Britain have plummeted to 0 degrees, prompting people to comment on how cold it is.

Head Meteorologist Brian McCloud told WalesOnCraic:

“This cold weather has come along and made us all feel very cold. Personally, I blame this Tory government who just keep on slashing away at things – in this case – the temperatures. I can only see this cold snap lasting until some warmer weather comes along. That’s just my opinion of course, not that it counts for much. I’m actually looking for a new job if you know of anything going. I’m good with my hands but can’t do anything that includes heights because I go all giddy and piss my pants.”

Tonight’s forecast – dark until morning when light will spread to most parts.


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This woman’s Ginuary is going very well

vom

A woman from Holywell is celebrating over two weeks of a perfect Ginuary.

Gladys Slckflaps has managed to drink gin for 18 consecutive days since the New Year.

She told WalesOnCraic:

“I was up..hang on…have you got my coat? I put it…oh there it is. Are you coming home with us? I’ve got some more back at my house. No. My house. What? Yes. No. 18 days? Yes that’s me. Yes sir! Show my your knickers. I want a kebab. Where can I get a kebab? Would you order me a kebab? They deliver them. None of that salad shit. No. I need some more gin. Have you got my handbag? I left it…oh there it is. Is my purse in there? There’s a tenner in there. It’s in there. Just look. Oh no. You’re right. It’s in my bra.”

Husband Terry said:

“I’m very proud of her keeping this up. If she can get to the end of the month, we’ll be getting that divorce we always wanted.”


Image: Landii

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Coffee shops to receive training on how to write Welsh names correctly

Coffee shops across Wales are to receive training on how to spell Welsh names correctly.

At present, coffee shop staff just write any old shit on the side of takeaway coffees.

Anne Harrod, spokeswoman for the Association of Coffee Shops And Stuff told WalesOnCraic:

“We’ve become aware of the problem over the last few years. Some of our staff are unfamiliar with some of your wonderful Welsh names so our staff just write what they think they heard. We need to let them know that there is no shame in asking them to spell out the names. We’ve still got 2,000 cups of unclaimed coffee waiting at some of our shops. We’ve asked some people to come in to give our staff some training. They’ll also be teaching them how to smile and be polite too.”

Glyn Guttermouth of the Welsh Names Federation said:

“I’ve been called all sorts over the last few years. Mostly arsehole though.”


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Duke of Edinburgh was ‘doing donuts’ in his Land Rover before accident

The Duke of Edinburgh was reportedly doing donuts in his Land Rover, shortly before he was involved in a road traffic accident.

The Duke was uninjured in the accident but he did reportedly swear at the emergency services.

One eye-witness said:

“There was this old geezer who came flying down the road at about 60mph. The next thing we know, he’s slamming on the handbrake and doing donuts all over the shop. He must have done at least 10 of them before he hit a car and went rolling off down the road. We went over to see him and he was fine. Then the ambulance turned up and he started shouting a bit.”

A spokeswoman for the Royal Family said:

“This is complete bollocks. The Duke would never do donuts in his Land Rover. He only does them in his Jag.”


Image: Northern Ireland Office

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Wylfa Power Station to be converted into children’s playground

wylfa

Owners of Wylfa Newydd have announced that the nuclear power station will be converted into a children’s playground.

It follows news that the highly-anticipated Hitachi deal went spectacularly tits up.

A spokesman said:

“Following the news today that Hitachi won’t be developing the site, we’ve decided to give back to the community and convert the site into a children’s playground. We’ve got a few slides and swings in a lock-up in Bangor that we’re going to use and we’d also like to bring back a Witch’s Hat. A few kids fell off them and broke their arms back in the 1980s but that’s ok. That’ll be nothing compared to the radiation.”

The new playground is expected to open in 2020 with Kanye West penciled in to cut the ribbon.