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Last Night’s TV: The Nightly Show? Surely you mean The Shitely Show?

They billed it as ‘a high tempo mixture of topical monologue, studio games, celebrity guests, stand up and VT’s’.

Cue David Walliams and his hilarious repertoire of campishly shite double entendres (tee-hee – he just said ‘hand up the arse’ when he spoke about a ventriloquist).

That’s as much as I can talk about it, it was that bad. I can’t even bring myself to review it. Please – no more.

VERDICT: The Shitely Show.

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New line-up for Twp Gear announced

The new line-up for Twp Gear has been announced by Welsh TV producers.

The Welsh motoring TV show will feature a lad who owns a Vauxhall Nova and a lanky ginger twat with a big head.

Producer Gwilym BigNose told WalesOnCraic:

“We wanted to connect with the younger motorists of Wales so we’ve got some new talent in for our show. We’ve got Craig, who owns a Vauxhall Nova with a badboy exhaust system on it. He’s also got little blue lights where his windscreen washer jets are so that everyone knows that he has windscreen washer jets on his car. We are also delighted to bring in a lanky ginger git from Aberystwyth who knows feck all about cars but he likes to talk so that will fill a few minutes.”

The show will also feature a mystery driver all dressed in white who will be referred to as The Slag. Producers are hoping to make some money from merchandising The Slag.

“We’re very excited about this new show. In fact, I’m so excited, I think a little bit of wee just came out. Excuse me.”

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Just what does Jerry Hall see in 84 year old billionaire Rupert Murdoch?

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch and former model Jerry Hall announced their engagement last night and the big question on everyone’s lips is – what does she see in the 84 year old billionaire?

News has it on the grapevine that Murdoch is planning on laying on a surprise wedding at Tonyrefail Registry Office, followed by a wake, I mean reception, at the local YMCA. A spokesperson told WalesOnCraic:

“Rupert wants his wedding in Wales because he has seen how David Hasselhoff has taken the country to heart. He wants a low-key wedding so he’s thinking of closing the M4 so that he can land his private jet. Then there will be private helicopters all the way to Tonyrefail where guests will be met with voulevants – they’ve got some great offers on in Iceland at the moment so he’ll probably get some delivered from there. Post-wedding entertainment will be in the form of Bob the Balloon Man – he makes animals out of balloons and even leaves guests with their very own balloon. You can see why Jerry has fallen for the guy – he thinks of everything.”

The wedding is expected to take place before Rupert Murdoch passes.

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Star Wars bar scene ‘inspired by night out in Wrexham’

The bar scene in the new Star Wars film was inspired by a visit to a pub in Wrexham, it has been claimed.

Maz Kanata’s ‘watering hole’ is featured in the highly-acclaimed Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The scene was a nod to the original bar scene on Tatooine in Star Wars: A New Hope, which in turn was inspired by George Lucas’s visit to Wrexham in the 1960s, says WalesOnCraic’s showbiz reporter, Brenda Widethighs.

He told WalesOnCraic:

“I can’t remember much about Wrexham because I was totally stoned the entire time I was there. I needed to be because I was afraid of the women and the sheep. I do remember one pub in particular though – I was feeling anxious because it was coming up to closing time and someone stuck on a slow song. Every woman in the building grabbed a fella and shoved her tongue down his throat. I think they were women, I couldn’t be sure. Anyway, I ran away. A few years later, I was writing Star Wars and I thought I’d feature a similar set in the film. That’s why the film is called A New Hope, because I was staying in a place in Flintshire called Hope.”

Some fans have poured scorn on the claim, saying that ‘it’s a load of bollocks’.

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Queen Elizabeth II Celebrates Becoming Longest-Reigning Monarch By ‘Getting ShitFaced And Plotting To Invade France’

Queen Elizabeth II has celebrated becoming the longest-reigning UK monarch by getting shitfaced on Strongbow and ‘plotting to invade France’ according to Welsh celebrity gossip columnist Lyndon Glittershit.

Glittershit told WalesOnCraic:

“My sources inside the palace tell me that M’am got totally shitfaced last night. She was up singing to Abba until 3am and then started waffling on about invading France and moving the Eiffel Tower to Trafalgar Square. Phillip was in bed by 10 because he has an appointment with the chiropodist this morning so palace staff had to put her to bed.”

The Queen will have reigned for 63 years and seven months, in which time she has opened such prestigious events such as the Treorchy Catholic Mothers’ Jumble Sale, as well as Port Talbot’s Dogging Jamboree.

Glittershit added:

“I expect her head is thumping this morning. If I were her, I’d stay in her posh bed all day and be waited on, hand and foot, like she does every day. I might pop down to Bargain Cards actually and get her a Get Well Card to go along with her Congratulations card.”

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Harry Hill Arrested for ‘Murdering Stars In Their Eyes’: Reports

Comedian Harry Hill has been arrested for the ‘murder of Stars In Their Eyes’, according to reports.

The star, who hosted the revamped show last night, came under heavy fire for adding his brand of comedy to the show. Police arrested him in the early hours of this morning.
TV viewer Brenda BoggleEyes told WalesOnCraic:

“It was awful. I was hoping for a dated 90s version of the show – like the ones they constantly put on Challenge TV every day. But Harry ruined it. It was all about him. I shan’t be watching again.”

Another viewer told WalesOnCraic:

“I watched the first bit and then had to turn over. Sadly, it was to the BBC who were airing The Voice. There was nothing for it other than to get completely off my tits. I feel like shit today and I personally blame Harry Hill.”

Stars In Their Eyes is a singing competition where members of the general public dress up as their idols and sing one of their songs. It was formerly hosted by Matthew Kelly and one of the show’s many highlights was Chris de Burgh singing with Chris de Burgh.

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Last Night’s Telly: Strictly Come Dancing

The nation has been waiting since last Christmas for the next serving of Strictly Come Dancing. And with good reason – it’s utter drivel.

Things started badly as I sat down to watch it when I spilled my Müller yoghurt down my new pyjama set from Primark. Things got even worse when they I tried to wipe it off with a tea towel that I’d used previously to bleach the worktops. It’s not even like I can take it back to the shop, even though I have the receipt.

So then Brucie came on telly. He read some ‘jokes’ off the autocue and they were shit. The audience still laughed until they couldn’t breathe though, that’s what they do. They also boo when someone gives constructive criticism and whoop and holler like some deranged Americans when another ‘celebrity’ is announced. By this point, the yoghurt on my pyjama top had dried and I was able to scrape it off with my fingernail.

The nation held its breath as each ‘celebrity’ was paired up with a dancing professional. Each celebrity then feigned their delight at being paired up with someone, even though they had practiced this many times during rehearsals.

At this point, I thought about having a cup of tea, but I’d realised that I’d run out of milk so I went down the Spar to buy some. While I was there, I treated myself to a Turkish Delight, which went down a treat.

By the time I’d come home, Strictly Come Dancing had finished and I was overjoyed.