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7 incredible, amazing, you-must-read click-bait facts about Welsh valley villages!

1 Welsh valley villages are only found in Wales… although there is rumoured to be a little-known community called Cwmbackhome in the French Pyrenees thought to be populated by Welsh football fans who failed to return home from the 2016 Euros. (Reports of Welsh villages in Patagonia are elaborate lies made up by S4C film crews anxious to jet off on a jolly to South America to make fictional documentaries).

2 Welsh valley villages are generally found on the side of mountains, although there are several special ‘pretend’ villages in our cities for people who are posh and don’t like walking up hills.

3 Welsh valley villages were invented by Gren and populated entirely by cartoon characters and sheep.

4 A Welsh valley village must have a boarded-up pub, rugby pitch and clubhouse, Spar, drug dealer, a chapel converted to flats, a school under threat of closure and several houses joined together.

5 Tribalism is very important and every valleys village has two sworn enemies… the villages either side of it.

6 A true Welsh valley village has at least 3 streets with gradients of 1 in 10 where wheelie bins have to be parked at 90 degrees angles to the kerb to prevent them from rolling away.

7 Every Welsh valley village has someone whose grandmother once snogged Tom Jones behind the social club.

Welsh cultural historian Dai Yesterday told Walesoncraic, ‘The first Welsh valley villages were built ages ago, before the council stuck their noses into planning, so they are all to fuck.

‘They decided to build them on hillsides so that all the shit would roll away into the river below; that’s why you always have the big posh houses on the top of the village.

‘They have enjoyed a boom of late thanks to the media flocking to them to report on how crap life is there. This has resulted in an influx in earnings thanks to the ransom money paid for their safe return. This only backfired once when one local gang, The Terry Cobner Terrace Crew, had to pay the Western Mail a fiver to take their reporter, Tefion Typo, back.’

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Cops baffled by sandcastle’s overnight disappearance from beach

Police on Gower are investigating a mysterious sandcastle theft.

Officers have been left scratching their heads after receiving a report of a stolen sandcastle from popular Caswell beach on Gower peninsula.

It is believed a holiday maker spent hours constructing an intricate mini replica of an ancient fortification only to find it completely gone the following morning.

Holidaymaker turned sandcastle builder, Doug Spade, aged 19 of Twatville in Sussex, said:

“I spent hours building a scale model of Winsor Castle. I even placed miniature figures of the Royal family on the battlement. I used the figures from our wedding cake for Harry and Meghan but used the wife’s red nail varnished to get his hair right. It looked the dog’s bollocks but I do have a red setter.

“I was all fine when we went home at around 9pm but when we came back the next morning it was all gone. The sand looked as though it had never been touched; it was like a billiard table only sand coloured. Whether it was jealously or not, I don’t know.

“I called the police and, in all fairness, a load of them came straight away and spent the whole day investigating on the beach. They took lots of crime scene photos. I’m not sure if they suspect the misses but they were mostly of her in her bikini. They also spent a lot of time quizzing the female lifeguards.”

A spokesman for the police, Sergeant Ray Chism, said:

“From what I understand the castle was well fortified, it had a moat and everything, but someone still managed to get their hands on it.

“We have spoken to dozens of people but no one saw it being carried from the beach.”

Vowing not to give up he added:

“We take all allegations of theft seriously and are determined to get to the bottom of this, even if it takes all summer.”

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Shop for headless people opens in Swansea

A new shop aiming to sell high fashion to headless people has opened in Swansea.

Necks is targeting the head in the clouds market…literally. With specialist lines of high quality clothing the new store in the city centre is already turning heads with its catchy window display.

Owner of Necks, Ed Less, said that he is targeting the French aristocracy circa the time of the French Revolution, Mr Less added:

“I saw a film all about the French Revolution and it struck me that here we have a section of the population who have no heads but a very large disposable income.

“The beauty of my idea is that these people will need help selecting outfits on account that they no longer have heads.

“That is where we come in. We will do all the head work for them! We wont to become the brand on every headless – or shoulder high as we like to term them – person’s lips.”

Mr Less, whose previous business venture providing Jacuzzis for fish failed miserably, admitted that he has had to shelve plans for a range of hats in his new store due to technical difficulties.

One satisfied customer said:

“I bought a beautiful feather boa and was running around like a headless chicken!”

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Concerns Grow For Flower Pot Men

POLICE in Aberystwyth have launched a double missing person investigation after 60s children’s television stars Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men appeared to have vanished into thin air.

The duo – real names William Snuffmovie and Benjamin Colon-Wipe – had uprooted to the west Wales town in the early 2010 in a bid to escape their drug-fuelled London past.

In an interview for CBeebies Weekly Magazine last year Mr Snuffmovie, who was once engaged to Magic Roundabout star Florence until being caught in a compromising position with Ermintrude the Cow, said:

“We were basically off our heads the entire time we filmed the show. You only have to look at the tapes to see we couldn’t string two words together.

“Most people blame Weed but she wasn’t the problem; in fact she was a calming influence on us both.”

A spokesman for the police, sergeant Ray Chisum, said:

“It’s the same old story, the pair hadn’t been seen for a while and pints of milk were piling up on their doorstep – which immediately raised suspicions because they take their coffee black.

“We broke the door down… and apologised because we had the wrong flat – I blame the schools because PC Dribble is dyslexic and took us to the wrong address, which was quite funny as it turned out because it was his parent’s house.

“Anyway, when we did get inside Bill and Ben’s all we found was two empty plant pots.”

Mr Chisum added:

“They have either vanished or were about to start a very small cannabis farm.”

The pair’s disappearance bears a haunting similarity to the fate of their former co-star, Weed, who has not been seen since falling on hard times herself and having to take a role in a Pathclear commercial.

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Greggs to make new TV show called ‘Game Of Scones’

Greggs are set to make their own TV series called Game of Scones.

The show will follow the power struggles within a local baker store. It will also feature a dwarf called Colin who is in charge of baking the steak bakes.

A Greggs spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“I don’t think people realise the kind of conflicts that arise in our stores. We’ve seen a mutiny by some staff in Ponty, who wanted to sell more flake cakes, crushed by their manager Margaret. Over in Dunvant, one of our floor managers Terry was knobbing his sister over the flapjacks. We thought that all of this would make for great entertainment for the British public. It’ll be a cross between the Great British Bake Off and Debbie Does Dowlais.”

Greggs fan Debbie Thundergunt said:

“I’m in Greggs every day and it’d be great to see how it all works behind the scenes. I want to see how they make their custard slices because I want to be able to make them at home and feed them to my fat kids for tea. The only gripe I’ve got is that I pronounce the word ‘scone’ like the word ‘gone’. Their intended pun is a pile of shit.”

The show is set to air later in 2019, probably when Channel 4 have run out of people on benefit to film.

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Police Draw Blank In Swansea Valley Colour Theft

Police have been called to the Upper Swansea Valley village of Ystradcrave after reports of thieves making off with all the colour from the surrounding area.

Ystradcrave community councillor Rob Knob made the discovery at around 7.30am yesterday morning.

The 48-year-old trainee brush operator said:

“It was just like another day when I woke up but when I opened the curtains it was like a scene from Doctor Who; only scarier. There wasn’t any colour anywhere. Usually it’s very pretty with the greens and browns of the valley stretching towards the Brecon Beacons but now all that has gone. There’s no colour whatsoever.

“I was pretty freaked-out by it all to be honest.  I once went blind for a bit after drinking furniture polish when I was a kid but this is worse.”

Sergeant Ray Chisum, of Dyfed Powys Police, said:

“We are treating this incident very seriously and will be mounting a full-scale search of the area as soon as we are able to dig our patrol car out of the snow.”